What I Want

What do I want?

I want to go back to when things seemed to be easier.
When I didn’t have to worry about food on the table, bills to pay, an appartment to clean.
When I could rely on others taking care of me.
When I could just go back to school after the summer instead of job hunting.
I want to grow in the challenges life sets before me.

What do I want?

I want to turn back time to when everything seemed okay.
When I knew who my friends were and I didn’t question everyone and everything.
When I dreamed of a husband and family some day soon.
When we had fun and made memories for ‘the good old days’.
I want to live in the here and now with its unique people and blessings.

What do I want?

I want to return to the place where I felt safe with you.
Where I was sure of my beliefs and how they were supposed to look like.
Where I could just ‘do’ and not doubt too much.
Where my feet walked on solid ground instead of the waves on the wide ocean of uncertainty.
But it’s too late.
I’ve walked out this far and I actually don’t want to go back.
I want to want you again.

What do you want?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

Author: Katha von Dessien

Teacher. Believer in the Wilderness. Third Culture Kid. World Traveler. People and Food at the Table Lover. Writer.

12 thoughts on “What I Want”

  1. I want to live in the good old days too and also in the forward motion of the future. It’s such a tension, isn’t it? This place you find yourself, of feeling a bit dangerous with God and unsure—it’s an honest, transformational place to be. I find these are the time my roots grow deep even when it feels like winter.

  2. Katha,
    what wonderous depths you’ve explored in this short but meaningful post! I’m so glad to be neighbors this week! 🙂
    What’s beautiful about God is that He made us to question, almost like a hide and seek of sorts, except He’s always going to be there to be found. And He’s definitely seeking us when we hide.
    Marie’s post had a song that MOVED me this week! She’s linked up at #4. I highly recommend reading her post if you haven’t already.
    Thank you for your visit, too. You’re a gem!
    (#16 this week)

  3. Sounds like you are in a place of great meaning as you wrestle with concepts that have stretched minds through the generations! You have lots of company for the journey – don’t be afraid to reach out and connect with others feeling a similar way – I’m in a period of re-imagining as well and I’m finding it exhilarating and destabilising at the same time…

    1. Thanks, Emma! Exhilarating and destabilizing is a good description…good to hear others are in similar places! It doesn’t make everything better, but being aware of others struggling too still changes the outlook.

  4. Ah, Katha, I’ve been there–many times. May the Holy Spirit guide you to exactly where you want to be–close to God so that everything aligns in your life. Thank you for sharing from your heart!

  5. Love this! Oh how my heart hears yours on what you share here. Yes … it’s the waves that lead us to want Him like never before! Hugs!

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