English Only

Facing the world on your own

“Is it just you?”, the waitress asks as she pulls up a chair for me by the bar.

Oh, how I hate that sentence sometimes.

Yes, it’s just me.
For a long time it’s been. Just. Me.

On bad days I hear judgment in people’s questions, wondering why in the world I am here alone. I can see them pitying me as the lonely person who doesn’t have any friends and needs to have dinner alone.
On bad days I sit by myself drowning in self-pity and envy when I see groups of people around the tables, laughing and sharing each other’s lives. They seem to be having fun and I seem like an imposter to reality because I struggle to even make it out the door.
On bad days I am overwhelmed with the mental load that I can’t share with anyone, the big questions I have to hold alone or the memories no one else will remember with me.
On bad days my hunger to explore and be around other people is almost palpable while my loneliness will probably hold me back from actually stepping out.

But.

There are also the good days when all these things don’t really bother me. On good days I tell myself that no one really gives a shit about who is and isn’t in the restaurant (no one really does! How often do you really wonder about other people when you go out?) and everybody just goes their own way.
On good days I leave my doubts at home and go out anyway because as my sister says, “You’re still alone, but at least you experience something new.” Then I treat my loneliness like a faithful companion who gets to come along but not dictate the party.
On good days I watch others and smile at their friendships. And when I’m having a really brave day, I remember my motto for this year: curiosity over fear as I approach strangers with a sense of carefreeness to embrace whatever will happen next.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today. Okay, this just tumbled out of me
in a very vulnerable moment.
Treat it with kindness.

Familiar Comfort

I just spent the weekend at my alma mater, the city where I studied and grew up quite a bit. Eventhough I moved away after graduation and know that it was right to leave, I always enjoy returning and reconnecting.
It was fun to be a tourist again in a city I know well, to walk the streets my feet are still acquainted with and yet rediscover them as if for the first time.
It was such fun to recall favorite memories at the places that have shaped who I am today; some of them heavy, some hilarious.

Most of all, it was a gift to spend time with friends who used to be and still are a huge part of my story. What a blessing to just walk in to a cooked meal and feel comfortable straight away. We talked until late at night, shared old and new stories, held space for the light and the dark.
We reminded each other that changes are a necessary part of growth and how wonderful it is that friends walk through them with you, no matter the distance.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

The path in sight

Three weeks ago the new school year started and for the first time in many years, I wasn’t part of it. My sabbatical began right after summer break and I now live without my familiar rhythms of schedules, demands and regular tasks. Instead of following other people’s expectations, I need to define my own.

People tend to ask me how I enjoy this new freedom and I often struggle to answer. Yes, I am grateful for the absence of a strict schedule, the flexibility to make spontaneous decisions and the immense privilege to explore the world.

But this freedom comes at a price and only now do I realize how much of a structure and validation my job has provided me with. This freedom, how liberating it may be, can be a challenge. I want to make the most out of it and feel pressure not to waste a single day. I research and reflect on what I really want to do, but struggle to actually decide on something. I cannot make theoretical decisions so far into the future when I don’t even know about next week.

Maybe some steps will only become clear when I actually take some steps.

Maybe sight will only be as far as I actually stumble forwards, one foot and one decision after the other.

Maybe some trips will feel like a journey into the dark and being surprised by little lights along the way.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

The Circle

Circle.
A perfectly round shape with no beginning and end.
A link between what was and what is.
A connection between you and me.

You and I, we are both in this circle.
Revolving around life.
Sometimes a bit closer, sometimes a bit further apart.
At times we dance, in other moments we fall.
We will return to the circle because we know that it carries us all.

In this circle, I cannot not see you.
I cannot not pay attention to the steps you take or look away when you fail.
I cannot not hear your sufferings and cries of agony.
Your life flows into mine and mine into yours.
Your burdens will be my pain and your triumphs will be my joys one day.
You and I – we are two parts of the same circle.
Of the same humanity.
I cannot not care or leave without breaking apart this inextricable connection between us.

So I struggle with you all the way over here.
My heart breaks as you walk through the valleys of death.
Your screams of pain resound deeply in my soul.
I wring my hands in worry and despair.
I cry for help on your behalf and fear that it’s lost in the big void.
I grow weary, mad even, that no one seems to understand that

In this circle, I cannot be without you.
We are in this together, all of human creation.
We cannot exist one without the other.
And it’s only together that we can stumble – slowly but surely – toward the light.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

It’s difficult to watch the news these days and not despair at the state of the world with its crazy leaders, wars and so much suffering. Yes, we might enjoy ourselves on the bright side of life. Yes, we might have the privilege to turn off our phones and TVs.

However, we have to realize that we’re all part of this. The people on the other side of our screens are part of the same humanity. And therefore we cannot not see them or ignore their pain.

Please don’t stop making a difference for the circle in whatever ways you can. Read (like this inspiring piece), watch, talk to others, speak up.
Please don’t stop holding space for both, the weird ambiguity of life.
Please don’t stop caring and feeling all the emotions – no matter how complex they are.

Observations from the sickbed

A couple of days ago, I tore a muscle in my leg really badly and have been bedridden for most of this week. This interrupted my usual speed of life, but it also provided me with some unexpected time to observe and reflect. I suddenly was more aware of the little favors of life.

When I waited in the ER for a couple of hours, I was entertained by some friends who sent me texts, jokes and good thoughts. We had planned to go out that night; instead, they bought food and cooked dinner over at my place for me.
When I went back to work way too early (and in a lot of pain), friends looked out for me and sent me back home to get well properly. They called or texted to check in on me and cheer me up.
When a package arrived, I mustered up my strength to walk down all the five floors to collect it, but when I opened the door, I realized that a neighbor had already carried it all the way up to my apartment – they didn’t even know I was sick this week.
When I hobbled to the grocery store in the middle of the day to avoid the busy hours with my handicap, an elderly man walks up to me in the coffee aisle. He doesn’t speak German or English, but with a bit of Italian and sign language I figure out that he needs help with buying the correct coffee for his wife. Together we “discuss” the various options and have a laugh over it.
When I suddenly had time to read in the morning with a cup of the, the most beautiful sunshine lights up my little reading nook.

Little favors that lit up my life. They made this week so much better than anticipated, despite my injury I was connected to the kindness of friends and strangers. I have received favors, and I want to pass them on to others. It doesn’t take much to brighten someone’s day and remind us all of our shared humanity – a simple but fundamental truth in turbulent times such as these.

What kind of favors have you received this week? What can you pass on to others?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

Little Life Savers

There are days when everything seems easy, work flows and you just cross items off your to do list.
There are days when life seems to stagnate and nothing seems to move at all. And then there are days when you can barely keep your eyes open at 8pm and your body just begs you to go to bed already.

We cannot always choose what our days look like, but we can practice how to react to unforeseen challenges and exhausting moments.

Last year, I was often burned out and couldn’t even name what I wanted or needed when I came home completely tired. I knew I was restless, but I couldn’t tell what would calm me down.
So I started writing a list of things that might help me. When I felt energized and rested I decided to prepare for the moments when I wouldn’t be. I tried to be as specific as possible.
Cooking some comfort food –for me, that would be potato dumplings and brown sauce.
Reading a book instead of staring at the screen.
Dancing to 70s music.
Putting on makeup, just for me.
Flicking through old photo books to remind myself that hard times with pass and the sun will come back eventually.
Writing.
Calling a friend and sitting on their couch.
Asking for a hug.
Staring out the window, take one deep breath after the other.
Taking a day in the middle of the week to explore a new city with an old friend.
Praying.

What are specific things you do to get yourself through challenging times?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

Pulling away the cover

During my morning meditation I practice to be still.
To listen to my breaths coming and going in a steady rhythm.
To calm my thoughts about the day ahead of me or memories from yesterday.
To listen to what’s around and inside me.

When I allow stillness to settle in, I suddenly notice a lot.
A train rattling by in the distance.
The oven clock ticking so much louder all of a sudden.
The first rain drops on the window.
The birds chirping in the trees on your street.
The wandering thoughts slowly by slowly returning to the present, sitting with me in that moment.

My life is filled to the brim with schedules, to do lists and worries. This world is full of unsettling election results, unresolved wars and so many question marks about the future.
My vision is blurred by too much action, but practicing stillness can help to adjust my perspective.  

There’s so much to discover if I allow myself to truly see.
To pull away the cover of busyness, planning and worry.
To give my undivided attention to the moment right in front of me.
To not shy away from the dark spots I might find there.
To always look for the glimpses of hope leading me towards the light.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

Leaving “Almost” Behind

I get it.
We want to know for sure, to have a definite answer.
We want to be certain of what’s right and wrong.
Almost is not good enough for us, we need 100%.

There’s safety in black and white.
There’s a community with those who are in.
We don’t want to be outside in the dark where everything is unsure.
No one wants to be left alone.

But what if we stepped outside the familiar realm into the great unknown?

We crawl through the dust and reach for something – anything – that will hold us.
Our feet touch ground we’ve never felt before. It’s uncomfortable at first, but it quickly warms up and feels soft.
It carries us to new places where we discover that there’s always more to the story than what we’ve known.
There are new voices, new perspectives, new colors.
The black and white picture suddenly lights up and comes to life in ways we’d never expected.
We confront giants and watch as they become companions on our journey.
We find others on this path to freedom.
We jump across the cliff and… fly.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

Little moments of rest

How do you know when you need a break? How does your body tell you that it’s enough and you need to take a step back? I believe that our body is a vital part of us and we should listen more closely to her.

For me, it’s headaches.

This morning, I woke up with a sharp pain piercing through my head, forcing me to lie down again instead of starting my day.
It’s Friday, the end of a long and demanding week. I had a lot to think of, many unforeseen tasks that meant long hours at work and very little time to take a break. Now my body screams to slow down and I’m a bit angry at myself for having waited so long.

We need periods of respite in our lives. And this starts with little moments of rest when we allow our mind and body to slow down and step away from the world for a moment.
Like eating lunch away from the desk and savoring every bite.
Like going to bed at a decent time and not binge another episode.
Like holding your face into the sun and let it warm you.
Like shedding a tear when the pressure is just too much.
Like doing one thing at a time instead of staring at multiple screens.
Like exchanging the phone for a book in the evening.
Like taking a deep breath when the chaos runs high.

It doesn’t have to be much, but over time these small things build a habit of listening and granting ourselves permission to rest in the midst of full schedules, minds and lives. They will still be there, but we’ll approach them differently.

What are your little moments of respite this week?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

You’re worth it

On Wednesday I felt like celebrating. I invited some girls from my book club over and enjoyed getting dressed up. I set the table with nice silverware and opened a bottle of sparkling wine.
We spoiled ourselves with salmon and burrata.
We enjoyed cocktails and toasted to our friendship.
We laughed at silly stories and nodded at shared experiences.
We shared a bit of life.

A table full of great food, conversations and life.

Yes, it was Valentine’s Day.
Yes, the news around the world still sound bleak.
Yes, it was in the middle of the week.

And yet, we celebrate.
We’re caught in comparisons and competitions (especially as women!), always modest and humble.
We take care of everyone but ourselves.
We believe far too often that we’re not worth it.
We’re surrounded by so much darkness, chaos, exhaustion and uncertainty, so maybe the biggest act of defiance is to pause for a moment, spoil ourselves and celebrate life and friendships in the midst of it all.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.