Rest – Page 3

So…what’s next?

I had my last exam on Monday.
This means I graduated. I am done with uni.
After a year of getting up early, studying several hours a day, and exam over exam I am finally finished.

For the last few weeks people have been asking me how I feel.
Relieved? Happy? Free? Excited?
To be honest, my answer was no.
Here’s how I feel: I am afraid.
Terrified and uncertain.
Not sure of the future and myself anymore.
About to step out on the waters and doubting how crazy the waves are going to be.
Between knowing and not knowing.

I remember feeling like that after I graduated from high school.
Leaving the old, known world behind.
Stepping outside the comfortable system of school.
Leaving behind the security of knowing who I was, who those around me where, and how I was supposed to act and behave.
I thought I could never fit into another system again.

But I did.
I entered university and was shocked to hear I would have to study for five years.
Five long years in one place.
These long years became very short.
And they were filled with lots of friendships, meeting wonderful people and being incredibly blessed by what they bring to my life.
There were many hours of reading and “aha” moments along the way. I must say I liked digging into theories, exploring complexities, and ending up with new knowledge.
I liked studying and being nerdy sometimes.
There, I said it. I will miss this place.

But these years were also filled with quite a bit of challenges, disappointments and tough realizations. The growth I experienced in the last five years didn’t come cheap, but mostly through struggle and endurance.
These five years shaped me and taught me how to be, act, and behave in this new phase of my life.
And now they are over.

I am once again at a crossroads in my life, leaving behind the old and awaiting the new.
So what’s next is taking my time.
Time to look back at what I leave behind.
To be grateful for the many blessings and experiences.
To seek true rest and enough stillness to hear the Lord’s voice again. One of the hardest and most needed things. If I don’t do it now I might never do it and I will hit rock bottom again and again.

It might take some time to allow my heart to disengage from the old and prepare itself for the new.
And then hopefully the feeling of fear and uncertainty will make way for true joy and excitement. There is a new system and a new me waiting out there, and it might just get better. Even though uni is over I will continue learning. From people and from life.

I guess many of these thoughts are true for all those finding themselves at a crossroads in life. Some sort of transition into a new country, culture, or phase of life.
Know that it’s okay to take your time.
Disengage properly, so you can be ready for what’s to come.
I would love to hear your experiences!

Okay…for all who were wondering: Those are some of the thoughts floating around in my mind at the moment. I will update you shortly on what the next steps will look like in practice…

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Am Montag hatte ich meine letzte Prüfung.
Das heißt, ich habe nun meinen Abschluss, die Uni ist vorbei.
Nach einem Jahr früh aufstehen, mehrere Stunden am Tag lernen und einem Examen nach dem anderen bin ich endlich fertig.

Die letzten Wochen haben mich Leute gefragt, wie ich mich fühle.
Erleichtert? Froh? Frei? Aufgeregt?
Ehrlich gesagt, war meine Antwort nein.
So fühle ich mich: Ich habe Angst.
Ich fühle mich unsicher und fürchte mich.
Ich habe keine Ahnung, wer ich bin oder wie die Zukunft wird.
Ich fühle mich, als ob ich aufs Wasser gehe und zweifle, wie krass die Wellen um mich schlagen werden. So zwischen wissen und nicht wissen.

Ich erinnere mich, dass es mir ähnlich ging, damals nach dem Abitur.
Ich ließ die alte vertraute Welt hinter mir. Ich ging hinaus aus dem bequemen Schulsystem und ließ damit die Sicherheit zurück, zu wissen, wer ich war, wer die Leute um mich herum waren und wie ich mich zu verhalten hatte.
Ich dachte, ich würde nie wieder in ein System reinpassen.

Aber genau das passierte.
Ich begann das Studium und war schockiert zu hören, dass es fünf Jahre dauern würde.
Fünf lange Jahre an einem Ort.
Diese langen Jahre wurden plötzlich aber ganz kurz.
Und sie waren gefüllt mit vielen Freundschaften, ich habe wunderbare menschen getroffen und wurde so gesegnet mit dem, was sie in mein Leben gebracht haben.
Es waren viele Stunden voll mit Lesen und Aha-Momenten. Ich muss sagen, mir macht es Spaß, mich in Theorien und komplexe Dinge hineinzudenken und am Ende mehr Wissen zu haben. Okay, ich sag es einfach: Ich werde diesen Ort vermissen.

Aber diese Jahre waren auch voller Herausforderungen, Enttäuschungen und harten Eingeständnissen. Das Wachstum, das ich in den letzten fünf Jahren erlebt habe, war nicht billig, sondern kam vor allem durch Kämpfe und Ausdauer. Diese fünf Jahre haben mich geprägt und mich gelehrt zu sein und zu handeln in dieser neuen Phase meines Lebens.
Und jetzt sind sie vorbei.

Ich stehe mal wieder an einer Kreuzung in meinem Leben, lasse das Alte zurück und warte auf das Neue.
Was also als nächstes kommt ist Zeit. Ich nehme mir Zeit.
Zeit, um auf das zurückzuschauen, was ich zurücklassen.
Um dankbar zu sein für die vielen Erfahrungen und Segen.
Um wirkliche Ruhe zu suchen und genug Stille, um Gottes Stimme wieder zu hören. DAs ist eins der meistgewollten und auch der härtesten Dinge. Aber wenn ich es jetzt nicht tue, werde ich es vielleicht nie tun und immer wieder hinfallen.

Es dauert vielleicht eine Weile, meinem Herz zu erlauben, sich bewusst vom Alten loszulösen und sich auf das Neue vorzubereiten.
Und dann wird hoffentlich das Gefühl der Angst und Unsicherheit Platz machen für wahre Freude und Spannung. Es gibt ein neues System da draußen, das auf mich wartet und es wird wahrscheinlich nur besser. Obwohl die Uni vorbei ist, lerne ich weiter. Von menschen und vom Leben.

Wahrscheinlich sind die meisten dieser Gedanken ähnlich für all diejenigen, die auch an einer Kreuzung in ihrem Leben stehen. Irgendeine Art von Übergang in ein neues Land, Kultur oder Lebensphase.
Es ist okay, dass du Zeit brauchst. Löse dich gut und vollständig, damit du bereit bist für das, was kommt.
Ich würde gerne deine Erfahrungen hören!

Okay…für alle Fragenden: Das sind ein paar der Gedanken, die mir gerade im Kopf rumgehen. Aber bald gibt’s mehr, wie das Ganze in der Praxis aussieht….

[Five Minute Friday] Still

Do you hear that?
Nothing.
Silence.
Stillness.

This week has been somewhat strange.
After an immensely busy year it is the first time I paused.
After a year of studying I could wake up in the morning and do nothing. Or whatever I wanted.
Well, I got sick. Back pain kept me in bed for most of the week and I was forced to rest.
To be still.
And I realized I am really bad at it.

The thing I had yearned for was finally here.
That feeling I had looked forward to all year whenever things were just too much for me: “Soon you’ll be off and can be still”. Well, here it is.
And I don’t know how to handle it.
I am actually quite afraid of it.

I am between wanting and not wanting.
So wanting to get out of my busy life, away from the voices and tasks and things thrown at me.
Shutting off the sounds that make it impossible for me to hear what’s really important.
Being attentive to God’s whisper once again.
So anxious of really being still.
Cutting everything off and being left with…nothing.
Afraid that the stillness will not lead to something.
That God won’t show up.
That I am not willing to go far enough.

It is a challenge to be still.
It is hard to really seek stillness.
And yet I think we sometimes need to let go of the not wanting and walk towards the wanting.
Cut off some of the noise and expect HIM to come out of the stillness.
Because if I am still, really still, I can hear him calling.
Can you hear it, too?

(I am off for two months now before student teaching begins, and I am looking forward – with an incredibly anxious and wanting heart – to a time of rest and stillness. I don’t know what will happen, but I definitely want to try and listen to the call.)

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Once again I am linking up with a fabulous writer community over at Kate Motaung’s Five Minute Friday – come and join us!

[31 Days] Day 20 Bug

It’s Day 20 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

Today you can read the second part of a series done by Wera.

We have known each other for years through the TCK camps we attended together. But only recently we talked and found this strange desire of rest inside of us. Are we allowed to rest or do we seem to have this bug inside of us that just makes us move all the time?

I am very happy that Wera shares her thoughts here with us! Here’s Part 1, in case you missed it!

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Of course I know that part of that longing can never be satisfied by any earthly thing or person, and that there is a spiritual dimension to rest which is not dependent on life circumstances.

It is an intrinsic part of the human experience to carry a longing inside of us that we cannot quite define and that will never be fulfilled, but that nevertheless keeps driving us to look for something else in life – and I think TCKs feels this more acutely.

And yet my (albeit limited) experience of living in the same place for a bit longer has also taught me that there is a certain rest that comes with knowing your way around a place, knowing how people tick, and knowing who you are in relation to that particular place. And there is even more rest in deep friendships in which we are intimately known, and feel safe, understood and loved.

But it takes time for this kind of intimacy and trust to grow.

And yes, in the time that it takes to build strong relationships, routine also settles in and life can get dry and repetitive, and with that come the itchy feet.

And yet there is something very beautiful in connecting more deeply with a place and its people over a longer period of time, and although it sometimes sucks, it’s an experience that’s worth sticking around for.

I’ve noticed that for me, less adventure and less change often seem to bring more rest for my soul and personal growth of a different type – the type that strengthens my roots rather than my wings.

And the older I get, the more my soul seems to long for rest over adventure.

At the moment I oscillate between feeling thirsty for adventure and full of excitement and energy for all the things I could do with my life now that I’ve finished university, and between feeling overwhelmed at the vastness of options in front of me and apprehensive about a lack of stability in the next few years.

Most people at my stage in life have at least some basic variables in place (they tend to have some fairly set ideas about where to live, who with, and/or what they want to do), but I seem to lack any sort of parameters in my life.

And whilst part of me is excited and grateful to be so free and independent and not tied to any particular place, person or profession, part of me is also envious of friends who are already much more settled or heading in a clear direction in life.

I’m beginning to accept that my attitude towards moving has become more complex and somewhat paradoxical, and that it’s okay to be confused about what I want.

We’ll see which of these contrasting feelings and desires end up dominating my life.

But for now, I’m going to acknowledge, and welcome, the fact that alongside my continuous longing for change and adventure, a new longing for rest and stability has also crept up – and it seems to be growing.

How do you deal with your feeling of restlessness? Is the strange desire for rest familiar to you?

[31 Days] Day 19 Rest

It’s Day 19 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

Today you can read the first part of a 2-day series done by Wera. She is German but grew up in Guinea-Bissau and likes to pretend that she’s British. She’s just graduated from Durham University with a BA in Arabic and politics, and is currently working as an aupair in Spain.

We have known each other for years through the TCK camps we attended together. But only recently we talked and found this strange desire of rest inside of us. I am very happy that she shares her thoughts here with us!

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Feeling restless is an intrinsic part of my identity.

As a TCK who has moved frequently, I’ve experienced and internalised a colourful (and sometimes confusing) mixture of cultures, habits, beliefs, traditions, languages and relationships.

Constant change and diversity seem to be of a somewhat addictive nature, and I have often noticed in myself a deep restlessness and a strong urge to move and experience something new that seems to kick in after around two years of staying in the same place.

By the time I was 12 I’d already moved about a dozen times, but then my family settled more permanently in Germany. After a couple of years it dawned on me that I would essentially have to stay in Germany for several more years until I finished high school.

Not only did that thought fill me with dread, but I couldn’t even truly conceive of it, having never lived anywhere for more than three years at the very most.

I promptly began to think about ‘escape routes’, and ended up going to England for an exchange year at the age of 15. What was meant to be just one year abroad to get some restlessness out of my system turned into a string of adventures in various countries.

Seven years later, I’ve just moved for the eighth time since, this time to Spain, after having lived in the UK, France and Palestine. When people hear my life story they often ask me which country I’d like to settle in eventually. I never really get that question.

I just cannot imagine life without moving frequently, so I usually joke that even if I found paradise, I’d still get bored and restless and would want to move after 2-3 years.

However, as much as I struggle to imagine being settled or even living anywhere more long-term (which I’d define as 3+ years), I’ve recently discovered in myself a strange new desire quietly creeping up alongside the one for adventure and change – a desire for stability and rest.

I’ve just graduated from university and am currently working as an aupair in Spain for a few months; after that I hope to find a job teaching English in the Middle East for a couple of years before maybe doing an MA in goodness-knows-where. My parents and siblings are about to be scattered across three different continents.

So the next few years look unlikely to hold much constancy for me, and I’m surprised to now notice in myself not just excitement, but also exhaustion, at this thought.

After all my experience of moving, I know the joy of engaging with and learning from people with a different culture and worldview to mine – but I also know the frustration of not being able to fully express myself and being misunderstood because of language and cultural barriers.

I know the thrill that comes from exploring new places and experiencing a new way of life – but I also know what it feels like to be lonely and homesick.

And when I say ‘homesick’, what I mean is not a longing for a particular place or particular people, but for a particular feeling – one of rest, of belonging, of being seen and understood for who I really am, and accepted and loved as such.

Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow!

[Five Minute Friday] Exhale

I remember when I was in grade 12/13 in high school (in the US, that is a senior), I had a German teacher who started every lesson with a peculiar ritual: one minute of silence.
Sit on your chair, be quiet, and simply listen to your own breathing.
Inhale.
Exhale.
And again.

What seemed rather odd at first became my favorite part of the school day.
Looking forward to this one minute of pause, rest.
Doing nothing.
Just being.
Just listening to that breath that got me through the day.
That breath showing me that I was still alive.
Inhaling and exhaling was my way to show the world that I was still going, that I would continue to pick up the small and big fights it offered me.

I guess we need that moment of silence even when we’re out of school.
Life is just busy, throwing challenges at us, keeping on us a constant run.
We need that pause button, that short moment of rest.
Exhale and let go of things that bother us, that we can’t handle anymore.
Like that breath leaving our mouth feeling how that weight is lifted off our shoulders.
Take in new air, new perspectives, fresh voices.
Grasp inspiration and vision.
Inhale and show the world that we’re still alive.
That we keep going.
And that we’ll continue to pick up the small and big fights it offers us.

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It’s Friday and I am linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker. One prompt, five minutes of writing. No editing. Happy Friday!