Katha von Dessien

[Five Minute Friday] Notice

I have a hobby I don’t always take the time for.
But when I do it, it’s always very fulfilling and interesting.
I like to watch people.
After a full day of shopping or just running around town, it feels good to sit down, have a cup of coffee, and just watch people.
The other day I met with a friend and we sat there for about two hours just watching.

We were in a new city, but even if you are in your own town you’ll notice so many things.
There are so many people on the streets you’ve never seen before.
Every day you walk these streets, and yet you’ll never be able to have seen everyone in this town!

There are single people. Couples walking hand in hand.
Wives dragging along their husbands into yet another shop.
There are children window shopping for toys and candy.
There are senior couples taking it slow.
There are three old ladies who enjoy a night out in town as if they were just 22 years old (these three seriously made me laugh and hope I will be like this one day!).

You notice so many things around you if you take the time to stand still for a while.
Each of these people has a story, a life behind this moment I get a glimpse of.
I am overwhelmed by seeing everyone.
Trying to figure out how they live, what brought them here today, how they might feel.

And then I am reminded of my heavenly Father who says of himself that he notices everything and everyone.
He sees more than a glimpse.
He sees your whole life, your deepest feelings, the full story.
And YOUR story matters to Him.

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It’s Friday, so I am linking up with a great group of writers over at Kate Motaung‘s place. Come on over and read some more inspirational thoughts!

So…what’s next?

I had my last exam on Monday.
This means I graduated. I am done with uni.
After a year of getting up early, studying several hours a day, and exam over exam I am finally finished.

For the last few weeks people have been asking me how I feel.
Relieved? Happy? Free? Excited?
To be honest, my answer was no.
Here’s how I feel: I am afraid.
Terrified and uncertain.
Not sure of the future and myself anymore.
About to step out on the waters and doubting how crazy the waves are going to be.
Between knowing and not knowing.

I remember feeling like that after I graduated from high school.
Leaving the old, known world behind.
Stepping outside the comfortable system of school.
Leaving behind the security of knowing who I was, who those around me where, and how I was supposed to act and behave.
I thought I could never fit into another system again.

But I did.
I entered university and was shocked to hear I would have to study for five years.
Five long years in one place.
These long years became very short.
And they were filled with lots of friendships, meeting wonderful people and being incredibly blessed by what they bring to my life.
There were many hours of reading and “aha” moments along the way. I must say I liked digging into theories, exploring complexities, and ending up with new knowledge.
I liked studying and being nerdy sometimes.
There, I said it. I will miss this place.

But these years were also filled with quite a bit of challenges, disappointments and tough realizations. The growth I experienced in the last five years didn’t come cheap, but mostly through struggle and endurance.
These five years shaped me and taught me how to be, act, and behave in this new phase of my life.
And now they are over.

I am once again at a crossroads in my life, leaving behind the old and awaiting the new.
So what’s next is taking my time.
Time to look back at what I leave behind.
To be grateful for the many blessings and experiences.
To seek true rest and enough stillness to hear the Lord’s voice again. One of the hardest and most needed things. If I don’t do it now I might never do it and I will hit rock bottom again and again.

It might take some time to allow my heart to disengage from the old and prepare itself for the new.
And then hopefully the feeling of fear and uncertainty will make way for true joy and excitement. There is a new system and a new me waiting out there, and it might just get better. Even though uni is over I will continue learning. From people and from life.

I guess many of these thoughts are true for all those finding themselves at a crossroads in life. Some sort of transition into a new country, culture, or phase of life.
Know that it’s okay to take your time.
Disengage properly, so you can be ready for what’s to come.
I would love to hear your experiences!

Okay…for all who were wondering: Those are some of the thoughts floating around in my mind at the moment. I will update you shortly on what the next steps will look like in practice…

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Am Montag hatte ich meine letzte Prüfung.
Das heißt, ich habe nun meinen Abschluss, die Uni ist vorbei.
Nach einem Jahr früh aufstehen, mehrere Stunden am Tag lernen und einem Examen nach dem anderen bin ich endlich fertig.

Die letzten Wochen haben mich Leute gefragt, wie ich mich fühle.
Erleichtert? Froh? Frei? Aufgeregt?
Ehrlich gesagt, war meine Antwort nein.
So fühle ich mich: Ich habe Angst.
Ich fühle mich unsicher und fürchte mich.
Ich habe keine Ahnung, wer ich bin oder wie die Zukunft wird.
Ich fühle mich, als ob ich aufs Wasser gehe und zweifle, wie krass die Wellen um mich schlagen werden. So zwischen wissen und nicht wissen.

Ich erinnere mich, dass es mir ähnlich ging, damals nach dem Abitur.
Ich ließ die alte vertraute Welt hinter mir. Ich ging hinaus aus dem bequemen Schulsystem und ließ damit die Sicherheit zurück, zu wissen, wer ich war, wer die Leute um mich herum waren und wie ich mich zu verhalten hatte.
Ich dachte, ich würde nie wieder in ein System reinpassen.

Aber genau das passierte.
Ich begann das Studium und war schockiert zu hören, dass es fünf Jahre dauern würde.
Fünf lange Jahre an einem Ort.
Diese langen Jahre wurden plötzlich aber ganz kurz.
Und sie waren gefüllt mit vielen Freundschaften, ich habe wunderbare menschen getroffen und wurde so gesegnet mit dem, was sie in mein Leben gebracht haben.
Es waren viele Stunden voll mit Lesen und Aha-Momenten. Ich muss sagen, mir macht es Spaß, mich in Theorien und komplexe Dinge hineinzudenken und am Ende mehr Wissen zu haben. Okay, ich sag es einfach: Ich werde diesen Ort vermissen.

Aber diese Jahre waren auch voller Herausforderungen, Enttäuschungen und harten Eingeständnissen. Das Wachstum, das ich in den letzten fünf Jahren erlebt habe, war nicht billig, sondern kam vor allem durch Kämpfe und Ausdauer. Diese fünf Jahre haben mich geprägt und mich gelehrt zu sein und zu handeln in dieser neuen Phase meines Lebens.
Und jetzt sind sie vorbei.

Ich stehe mal wieder an einer Kreuzung in meinem Leben, lasse das Alte zurück und warte auf das Neue.
Was also als nächstes kommt ist Zeit. Ich nehme mir Zeit.
Zeit, um auf das zurückzuschauen, was ich zurücklassen.
Um dankbar zu sein für die vielen Erfahrungen und Segen.
Um wirkliche Ruhe zu suchen und genug Stille, um Gottes Stimme wieder zu hören. DAs ist eins der meistgewollten und auch der härtesten Dinge. Aber wenn ich es jetzt nicht tue, werde ich es vielleicht nie tun und immer wieder hinfallen.

Es dauert vielleicht eine Weile, meinem Herz zu erlauben, sich bewusst vom Alten loszulösen und sich auf das Neue vorzubereiten.
Und dann wird hoffentlich das Gefühl der Angst und Unsicherheit Platz machen für wahre Freude und Spannung. Es gibt ein neues System da draußen, das auf mich wartet und es wird wahrscheinlich nur besser. Obwohl die Uni vorbei ist, lerne ich weiter. Von menschen und vom Leben.

Wahrscheinlich sind die meisten dieser Gedanken ähnlich für all diejenigen, die auch an einer Kreuzung in ihrem Leben stehen. Irgendeine Art von Übergang in ein neues Land, Kultur oder Lebensphase.
Es ist okay, dass du Zeit brauchst. Löse dich gut und vollständig, damit du bereit bist für das, was kommt.
Ich würde gerne deine Erfahrungen hören!

Okay…für alle Fragenden: Das sind ein paar der Gedanken, die mir gerade im Kopf rumgehen. Aber bald gibt’s mehr, wie das Ganze in der Praxis aussieht….

[Five Minute Friday] Still

Do you hear that?
Nothing.
Silence.
Stillness.

This week has been somewhat strange.
After an immensely busy year it is the first time I paused.
After a year of studying I could wake up in the morning and do nothing. Or whatever I wanted.
Well, I got sick. Back pain kept me in bed for most of the week and I was forced to rest.
To be still.
And I realized I am really bad at it.

The thing I had yearned for was finally here.
That feeling I had looked forward to all year whenever things were just too much for me: “Soon you’ll be off and can be still”. Well, here it is.
And I don’t know how to handle it.
I am actually quite afraid of it.

I am between wanting and not wanting.
So wanting to get out of my busy life, away from the voices and tasks and things thrown at me.
Shutting off the sounds that make it impossible for me to hear what’s really important.
Being attentive to God’s whisper once again.
So anxious of really being still.
Cutting everything off and being left with…nothing.
Afraid that the stillness will not lead to something.
That God won’t show up.
That I am not willing to go far enough.

It is a challenge to be still.
It is hard to really seek stillness.
And yet I think we sometimes need to let go of the not wanting and walk towards the wanting.
Cut off some of the noise and expect HIM to come out of the stillness.
Because if I am still, really still, I can hear him calling.
Can you hear it, too?

(I am off for two months now before student teaching begins, and I am looking forward – with an incredibly anxious and wanting heart – to a time of rest and stillness. I don’t know what will happen, but I definitely want to try and listen to the call.)

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Once again I am linking up with a fabulous writer community over at Kate Motaung’s Five Minute Friday – come and join us!

[Five Minute Friday] Turn

I love driving.
Cruising on African sand roads and navigating the potholes is one of the most exhilarating experiences in life.
Sometimes, though, driving can be nerve wrecking. Like driving through a city you’ve never been to. With a car full of people and everyone seems to have an opinion on “don’t drive too fast”, “I think we should stop here”, or “look out for the traffic lights”. And then of course, there’s the GPS which has a mind of its own.

Far too quickly I get lost, take the wrong turn and don’t know where I am anymore.
Generally, I have a very good sense of orientation and like to guide people.
Driving and navigating in busy traffic at the same time is really hard. So when I get stuck I need to park somewhere, shut off the engine, figure out where I am and start over.

Sometimes life is like driving.
Every new day is a trip into the unknown, we don’t know the “life city” with all its roads ahead of us. We might have a general road map, but this can change at any minute.
There will be construction sites – things we need to work on which slow us down.
There might be potholes – broken things in our life that get to us again and again.
Or traffic jams – voices all around us, telling us what to do and what not, trying to push us in a certain direction…
We try to get through, we try to navigate this madness called life, but very often we are confused.
We take the wrong turn. And we’re lost.

I have taken quite a few wrong turns in life.
And that’s okay. Life’s not meant to be one straight path.
There will be turns and curves, hills and speeding lanes.
When life gets too busy, when I am lost in traffic or have just taken a wrong turn I stop.
I remember what this “drive” is all about.
I turn towards the One with the master plan, who calms all the other voices and brings peace to my troubled soul.
No matter how many wrong turns I take, He takes them with me, and his grace will lead me home.

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It’s Friday and I am linking up with Kate Motaung and a great community of writers from all around the world. One prompt, five minutes of writing, no editing. Why don’t you join us?

That time I participated in a blogging challenge…

If you’re used to getting a daily email from me last month you might have realized that it was a bit quiet around here for a week. I needed a break after blogging every day in October.
At first I didn’t even want to participate in this #write31days challenge. I had experienced how friends had struggled last year, how it had ‘ruined’ their passion for writing, how time consuming it was. I was in the middle of my state board exams (meaning: studying every day for the most important exam in your career) and October was just a busy month with birthdays, weddings, travels…no way I would have time for elaborate blogging.
But when Kate Motaung put out her prompt words for “31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes” I couldn’t resist. These words just started speaking to my TCK heart and stories, thoughts, ideas came to my mind. And so they ended up in this space.

It’s been an experience, and I thought I would share a few of the lessons I’ve learned from it. I’ll also share some of the blogs I’ve discovered during this challenge, which might be a good read for you, too!

No matter how busy you are, you need a creative outlet!
After a long day with my books and notes it was a really good distraction to put some thoughts on paper. Completely different topics and writing style. Some days were hard and I needed to challenge myself to put thoughts into words, other days were fun and my hands seemed to be dancing on the keyboard. Writing needs time and practice, and these 31 days definitely helped me to get some more flow in my writing.

Blogging is a lot of work.
Luckily I had about two weeks before the challenge started so I pre-wrote some posts already. Coming up with a topic and complete post everyday that fits into an overall series can be really hard sometimes. The challenge offered me a bit of a ‘behind-the-scenes’ view of the blogging world. What does it mean to have a monthly outline for your topic? Who do I link up with? What about graphics, pictures, layout? Suddenly a few written lines of a post turn into a piece of work before you hit ‘publish’. A published post is only the beginning, afterwards there are comments and questions and answers. And then obviously there are thousands of blogs out there you could read. Which ones do you pick? Some of the work I enjoyed, some made me question the concepts behind it.

How much work does it really take?
In the last few years the blogosphere seems to have exploded; everyone can write about almost everything in any space of the internet. I really enjoyed reading a lot of great posts this month, hosted in beautifully created spaces of the web, crafted with powerful words and images. But what does it take to have a blog with good traffic and readers? Simply a good layout? Relevant topics? Pinnable images and tweetable quotes?
I was a bit overwhelmed at all the “advice” other bloggers gave to increase the numbers of readers, turn your blog into a business or book and many other topics. Is it really all about self-advertisement? Do I want to sell myself in this little space I call mine?
These questions lead me back to my motivation for doing all this. Why do I write in the first place and who do I write for?
I don’t want to write for statistics, likes, or tweets. This is not a business with a product called ME. What I want to take away from this challenge is my hope to stay true to myself.
Not losing my voice in numbers of visitors, positive or negative comments, facebook pages, tweets and likes. Instead, what I want to put on paper are my passions, things I struggle with, wonder about. Unfinished thoughts, open questions, lessons learned. They might speak to you in the situation you’re in at the moment. They might say nothing at all to you right now. That’s okay. I am absolutely grateful for everyone who’s been reading along – thank you for all your comments, input, and encouragement! I hope you’ll continue this journey with me, as shaky as it might be…

There’s a blogger community out there!
I’ve linked up with other bloggers before, but this challenge really made me aware of so many amazing writers out there! I had the privilege to have some friends and fellow bloggers join me on my own blog, and I was so blessed by their words, experiences, and wisdom. In case you missed them, please go back and read their work!
Johann shared a poem he wrote on the TCK identity question, Daniel wrote about fears, Katrin contributed a poem about God in the midst of TCK life, Wera did a series on TCKs and restlessness, Rachel told us about her struggles with joining in, and Marilyn gave us an insight on returning to your host country. All of them have fantastic voices and I hope you enjoy their writings!
In the middle of studying and blogging I didn’t have much time to read many of the other bloggers’ works that participated in the challenge, too. Nearly 1600 people joined and wrote about all kinds of topics, ranging from devotions to travel secrets to pumpkin recipes. We all connected on Facebook, and it was good to receive encouragement when things got tough. Plus, I got to discover some amazing writers I wouldn’t have found otherwise! I tried to read a variety of things, but it wasn’t easy to keep up with everything and there are still about a hundred posts in my reader waiting for me. I did however choose to read a few series every day, and I am glad I did!

Here are a few of my picks…

…Kate Motaung: the host of Five Minute Friday wrote on her life in South Africa, which was like homecoming for me. So many stories to relate to and so much to laugh about!

…Liz von Ehrenkrook: We had briefly connected before, but her series really challenged me! She wrote on 31 Days of Breaking Religion, questioning why we believe what we believe and what faith is all about. We had some great discussions and I am so glad we “met”!

…Shelly Miller: Shelly shares the story of her family moving to London, including all the delays, open questions and life’s beauty in between. She has a talent of putting things into beautiful words which often spoke to me. Shelly also hosts “The Sabbath Society” and her emails on Fridays are perfect to start off Sabbath (whatever day you decide to take it).

…Christy Campbell: Christy is a traveler and her series was all about secrets to more adventures in life. Some really great advice in there and even better stories! I am also featured with a guest post.

…Renee Emerson: I am not even close to finishing this series, but the start was so good! Renee and Brian write about writing as an act of worship. Lots of good input and some great practical exercises. Definitely want to continue reading!

…Kristin@theincrediblek: Kristin had 31 days of encouragement on her blog, and even though I haven’t read all of them yet they are really good! Many stories and practical ideas to encourage other people and change your own life on the go.

I hope you have some time to check them out!
31 Days are over but blogging isn’t, and I will continue writing. Not every day, but whenever I feel I need processing…:) So stay tuned for more thoughts soon!

[Five Minute Friday] Leave

It’s the last Friday of October and as usual, I am linking up with Kate Motaung and a fantastic writer community. It’s also the last day of October, which means it’s Day 31 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! You made it to the end, yay! If you’re just starting now, you can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

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We went to see the animals at Lake Victoria.

We went to sit at the beach.

We went for dinner at a nearby hotel.

It all seemed unreal. Our last day in Uganda.

And finally, finally we went to the airport.

I watched my parents check us in, drop off our luggage, say goodbye to friends and teammates. And then we walked down to the gates.

I felt like in a trance.

This was happening, but not to me.

We were just dropping someone off and tonight I would sleep in my bed in our house in beautiful Namutamba and everything would be alright.

It was already dark outside when we walked onto the airfield and towards the plane.

The tender summer breeze brought the smell from the Lake and you could see the lights glitter on the water’s surface.

We boarded the plane, had layovers in Nairobi and Amsterdam, and then we were home.

Really?

I didn’t realize what had happened to me until a week later.

I asked my mom when we’d be going back, but she said, “We’re not going back.

We will stay here now.”

That’s when it hit me.

I had really left.

And I hadn’t even said goodbye.

I am not a cryer normally. Which doesn’t mean I am not sad.

But now I cried.

For all the friends I hadn’t hugged one last time.

For my best friend who I had left the day before as if I didn’t know we wouldn’t meet again the next day.

For the village I had called my home.

For all the memories I had made there and would never be able to repeat.

For the piece of my heart I had left in the Pearl of Africa, Uganda.

I have had to leave quite a few other places since then.

My family, South Africa, my teenage years, the US, university.

Familiar faces, cozy houses, a certain lifestyle.

Dreams of how my life should look like, dear relationships, broken hopes.

I’m sure if you added your losses we’d get an entire novel together.

Make sure you say goodbye.

You never know if you’ll have the chance again.
Make sure you cry.

Crying is a way to cleanse the soul and I have come to appreciate my tears sometimes. After the tears have ceased, another feeling wells up inside of me: thankfulness.

My heart is overwhelmed with deep gratitude.

For the beautiful places I got to live in.

For the amazing people I had the privilege of meeting and who continue to be in my life. For the sweet memories I could make and can now hold on to.

For God, who continues to walk with me and already knows where I’m heading to next.

Well, and now I am leaving this series.

It’s been a great month and I’ll surely reflect a bit about it after I had a short blogging break. 🙂

THANK YOU for staying with me on this journey, for your comments and thoughts, all your encouragement!

I am leaving you with hopefully a lot of impressions, things to ponder, and the wish to embrace your TCK life a bit more…

What did you learn in the course of this series?

[31 Days] Day 30 Unite

It’s Day 30 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

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A few weeks ago I was at a friend’s birthday party when it happened.

We were having a barbecue in the park and some friend had brought another friend.

We introduced ourselves and started talking.

We had just met and yet we felt like we had known each other for years.

And so we spent the evening talking about our lives, exchanging fun stories and challenges.

Because we knew the other would understand.

This immediate connection is something so special among TCKs.

It unites us no matter the countries we lived in, no matter the amount of time we spent abroad, no matter the place we’re in right now.

It fascinates me every time I meet a TCK.

May it be on a TCK camp where it takes one night of games and introductions to form intimate bonds with “strangers” that have become my second family over the years.

May it be in unexpected places, like birthday parties, train rides, university seminars.

In our globalized world there are more and more TCKs around us – missionary kids, diplomat kids, business kids, immigrant kids or people growing up around many cultures.

We are all united by this one bond: we’ve seen what’s out there.

It doesn’t have to be far, it just has to be outside our own little world and comfort zone. Once you’ve been out there, you feel a connection to others who have gone, too.

Whenever I meet a TCK my heart rejoices (and sometimes I also break into a smile, hehe). Here is this one person who gets me, who can laugh at the fun stories and won’t look away at the hard ones.

Here is this one person who can relate my stories to their own and it helps, encourages, maybe even comforts.

Meeting a fellow TCK is sometimes like meeting a friend for the first time and the sudden depth doesn’t feel awkward at all.

I hope for every TCK out there that you meet others with similar stories, that you find out about who you are and have others around you to connect to, to share with, to bond with.

A big shoutout to my TCK friends all around the globe – it is a blessing knowing you and walking a bit of life together!

Can you relate to this? It might also be true for other relationships when both aren’t TCKs. Any thoughts on this?

[31 Days] Day 29 Roots

It’s Day 29 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

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Roots.
Short and weak at first, looking for some ground to be planted in, to be nurtured in.
Roots.
Growing strong and deep with time, digging themselves deep into the ground, spreading out, building a firm foundation underground for whatever is seen above the ground.

Roots being pulled and replanted into a different soil and the whole process begins anew. By the time these roots have found some ground and planted themselves again, they are uprooted again.

The image of roots and the feeling of rootedness is powerful in a TCK life.
It can be quite nice to have versatile roots – you don’t cling to unnecessary things or places, you can just move and experience new great things.

It can also be very hard, though.
Not having firm roots often makes me feel like having no foundation.
My roots have been planted in so many soils, but do they hold me?
Whenever I am re-planted people just see what’s above the ground. But they don’t see where I’m coming from, they don’t know my life stories, my childhood dreams, my roots. Do I belong even though I haven’t always been around?

We’ve talked quite a bit in this space about the feeling of restlessness and rootlessness so many TCKs experience. It’s not just a current research topic, it’s connected to so many personal stories of friends or my own.

As some of you may have heard, I graduated from university last week. What this was and is like I will be writing about after the end of this series. But now it’s time to enter the next phase of life, which is not as easy at it seems.

After years of moving around, never staying in a place for more than five years I find in myself a desire to stay.

To not pack my bags in a while but actually decorate my room.
To set my roots down and see what happens.
To invest in the people I am surrounded with and experience friendships that don’t depend on Skype and time zones.

I have talked to quite a few TCK friends lately and they said similar things.
And together we wondered about ourselves and this feeling.

Because we are not supposed to feel like it.

A certain restlessness seems to be engraved in our genes and we are driven to move on. So what is this sudden change of heart?
Are we just getting older?
Or are we simply discovering a deeper desire to belong inside of us?

We have to understand that our past doesn’t have to dictate our future.

Enjoying the present doesn’t mean we condemn the past.

So if we discover this longing inside of us, if we decide to take this bold step and put our roots down for a while – it doesn’t mean that we cut off the parts of the root that have been grown in other wonderful places.

These experiences shaped, strengthened and colored our roots – and it might be time to plant a bit of that in this one place for the moment.

If we allow our roots to settle down for a while we will experience a bit of that rest we’ve been longing for all along.

Firm roots will allow our flowers to bloom.

[31 Days] Day 28 Expect

It’s Day 28 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

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I came home from a year in South Africa being in love with the country and its people. The goodbye was incredibly hard and the re-entry to Germany was, too.

I settled back into life, began university, started making new friends.

But this deep longing and feeling of homesickness were my constant companion.

A few months later I had my debrief with the mission agency and they told me that for various reasons I would have the chance to go back for a short time. What a game changer! The summer semester couldn’t go by faster as my eyes and heart were set on July 29th, departure for my second home South Africa.

A week before I left I had dinner with a few friends; we sat outside in the summer night and talked about my trip. And then one friend asked:

What do you expect of this trip?

This question stuck with me during my trip, which turned out to be different than I expected.

Did I go back to cure my homesickness?

Did I expect I would go back and everything would be alright again?

Did I expect time would have stopped and I could just continue where I had left things?

It was a bit of a homecoming.

Flying into Johannesburg and driving to the farm from the airport felt so familiar.

I recognized houses, towns, shops.

Seeing “my” town again made my heart leap.

And holding dear friends in my arms again felt a bit like healing.

So yes, a bit of my homesickness was stilled, at least for two months.

It was also a bit like a revelation.

A shattering of expectations.

The bubble of nostalgic idealization burst and I was left with reality.

Things had changed, people had left and the perfect community we had had a year before did no longer exist.

The people had made the experience so unique, and without them I couldn’t just simply replicate it.

Things that had bothered me in the first year were still there, and I wondered how I could’ve idealized them, too.

So no, my expectations were shattered. But in a positive way.

When I returned to Germany the second time I knew a little bit better how to handle my homesickness.

I still missed friends and certain things deeply, and they will always be close to my heart. However, I don’t give in to nostalgic longing for things anymore that are more of a burden than a blessing.

My expectations were refined.

For those of you who returned “home”, what were your expectations and experiences?

[31 Days] Day 27 Visit

It’s Day 27 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

Today I am very honored to introduce my last guest blogger to you. We have never met in person, but I follow her blog which always encourages me. A TCK herself and mom to TCKs, Marilyn just has so much wisdom and expertise which she knows how to put into touching and powerful words. Marilyn writes at her own blog Communicating Across Boundaries, but I am incredibly blessed to have her over at my small place today. When I read her post for the first time it deeply resonated with me, and I hope you’ll enjoy it, too. Thank you so much, Marilyn, for your wisdom! Please read more about her at the

end of the post.

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“So – are you visiting?”

The question took me completely by surprise.
We had returned to Cairo for our first trip two years after leaving.
Cairo had been our home for seven years.

photo credit: Marilyn Gardner

It was in Cairo that we had watched three of our five children take their first steps.
It was in Cairo where our youngest two were born, three years apart.
It was our community in this city that had loved us and cared for us through pregnancies and sickness; through post-delivery chaos and family crises; and through packing up and leaving when the time came.
The apartment we lived in still had markings of our children’s measurements on the doorpost. We had seen these just a day before while with our friends.

Cairo had been home for a long time and it broke our hearts to leave.
We said goodbye to all those things we loved so deeply.
Rides in huge, wooden boats called feluccas on the Nile River; Egyptian lentils (Kosherie) with the spicy tomato sauce and crispy fried onions to top it off; friendships that had been forged through hours of talking and doing life together; a church that was one of a kind with people from all over the world.

So when the woman asked me the question I didn’t know what to say.
A lump came into my throat and I willed myself to hold back the tears.

“Yes. Yes – we are visiting.” Pause “We used to live here…..” my voice trailed off.

The words ‘Visit’ and ‘Live’ are worlds apart.
Visit means stranger, tourist, one who goes and stays in a place for a “short time.”
The dictionary definition is clear on this.
It goes on to add “for purposes of sociability, business, politeness, curiousity…”

By contrast, the word live means “to dwell, to stay as a permanent resident.”

It was like being slapped on the face by someone you trust.
We were no longer permanent residents in Cairo, Egypt.
Our visas, stamped into our blue passports, no longer gave us legal resident status. Instead, they gave us only temporary permission to be in the country.
We did not have permission to dwell, to live, to work.
We only had permission to stay for a short time – to ‘visit.’

The grief that washed over me was acute and I wanted to bury myself in it.
I wanted to be able to grieve with abandon, to cry the tears I had wanted to cry since leaving two years prior.
I wanted to cry tears that would water the dusty ground that surrounded me, ground that had not seen water for a long time.
But I couldn’t.
Because indulging in the grief at that moment would have taken me away from the place that I loved, the people that I loved.

When a third culture kid suddenly finds himself or herself a stranger, a visitor in a land they once claimed the grief is acute and necessary.
And there is no way around but through.
Trying to avoid the reality is not helpful.

But this I know: More difficult than a visit would have been no visit at all, far harder than facing my current reality would have been dreaming a dream in a country far removed and never getting to experience this beloved place again.
So I held in the grief until a better time, swallowed hard, and went on my way.

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Marilyn Gardner is an adult third culture kid who grew up in Pakistan and raised her own third culture kids in Cairo, Egypt before moving to the United States. She is author of the recently released book Between Worlds: Essays on Culture and Belonging available now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Powell Books.