Katha von Dessien

[#write31days] Day 28 Set Yourself Boundaries

Welcome to Day 28 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Okay people, it’s time to face our worst enemy. The one person we can’t get away from. Ourselves.
How do we take care of ourselves and set the needed boundaries?

Listen to Your Body
The reason why so many people suffer from burnouts and lacking boundaries is because these ‘illnesses’ are unseen for a long time.
We know we’ll be coming down with a flu when our throat starts itching and our nose running.
We know we’re seriously hurt when we feel pain or see blood.
How do we know that our soul is hurting?
It often takes a long time for us to notice that something’s wrong, so we need to take our body serious. Our outside mirrors what is inside, the good and the bad.
So listen to what it has to tell you.
And then take action.

Whenever I get up in the morning (most of the time it’s way too early) I always look forward to going back to bed at night.
Sleep is one of the best inventions ever. No better cure for heavy legs or a headache.
No better way to rest.
No better resource to restore the energy I need every day.
So don’t cheat yourself out of these precious hours of sleep. Don’t survive on five or six hours when you could really use eight. A rested body will get you through a busy day; it will be a good foundation for your restless soul and mind.

A body can’t survive on nothing. We need sustenance to keep going, we need regular exercise to keep in shape.
When life gets stressful we cut things. Less appointments, less time for everything. And somehow we never have enough time to eat, so we either don’t eat at all or stuff ourselves with junk food because it’s available.
We’re not supposed to survive on junk. Eating is more than stuffing ourselves with food, it is taking care of ourselves and treating ourselves by picking and preparing what we eat.

Especially in the last two years I discovered how much I love cooking. Trying out new recipes with new spices or crazy looking ingredients. There are amazing flavors out there and it would be sad to just stay within the ordinary.
Most of all, though, I love cooking for and with people. Creating something new together and sharing more than a meal. We share life and a bit of ourselves. We’re all stuffed afterwards – with food, with joy, with hope, with beautiful friendship.

Fill Up Your Account
Taking care of yourself is more than food and sleep. Life and its challenges withdraws from our account day in and day out, so we need to make sure we fill up our account.
Even though our calendars might be full already, we need to make sure that not all of these appointments only withdraw from our account. Balance them out with appointments that deposit something in our account.

Make appointments to have coffee with a friend once a week.
Some time when you can share what’s going on, what you struggle with, assure each other that you don’t walk alone.

Take an hour for a walk in the woods and enjoy the beauty of nature.
Go to the gym or for a run to get some stress relief in the midst of all the thinking you’ve got to do.
Make sure you book your vacation and don’t just let it go by.

Don’t be afraid to explore new things, get to know yourself a bit better. Find out what fills up your account, even if it’s unusual. Pick up a new hobby or revive an old one. Don’t settle until you find something that gives you rest. True rest for your mind, body, soul and spirit.

Don’t Fight Alone
It’s never easy breaking out of old habits and establishing new ones. Some statistics say it takes three weeks of practice to do something new. These weeks can be tough and we often give up because we feel we’re all alone out there.
But we’re not.
If you decide to set boundaries and take better care of yourself, make sure to take people with you. Ask friends to walk with you, encourage you, pray for you.
Maybe you’ll even find some others who have gone through similar things, learn from their experiences. Meet others with the same challenges to exchange ideas and uplift each other.
Be accountable to others. Allow them to ask how things are going and challenge you to keep going. They are not there not control or punish you, but isn’t it nice to have cheerladers along the way as you start this new journey? 🙂

Take a look at your schedule. Do you have appointments in there that will deposit something into your account or only withdrawals? Is there anything you could do to find more rest for yourself?
I dare you to explore something new this week, no matter how small it may be. Cook a new recipe, invite some friends over and experience the blessing of fellowship.

[#write31days] Day 27 Boundaries at Church

Welcome to Day 27 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Leading worship, running Sunday school, a morning and an evening service, small group, weekly meetings to prepare for a major church outreach, having coffee with your accountability/prayer partner…it’s very easy to get caught up in that huge organism called the church.
Yes, all of these things are good. But sometimes we are so busy with church work that we forget what it’s all about: we DO church, but we no longer ARE the church.

If you’ve been part of this organism for a while (or maybe even your entire life) you carry your scars with you. Church is a smaller or larger group of people, just people. Human beings with flaws and problems. Ordinary you and me’s that can hurt you, insult you, overlook your talents, abuse your talents, teach you questionable things. Being scarred by people who call themselves Christians – the ones with the message of love – can be really hurtful. So we withdraw.
Yes, sometimes we need to leave hurtful environments behind. But let’s not leave for the wrong reasons and miss out on the beauty a messy group of desperate people can turn into.

God is Okay with No Work
Church normally is a smaller or larger bunch of people meeting once or several times per week to worship, read Scripture and pray. This does involve work, but sometimes it gets a little out of hand.
Of course, we all want our church to be open for everyone. Of course, we want to spread the news to our neighbors and homeless people and refugees. Of course we want to support the elderly, the single moms, and others in need. Of course we want the music on stage to sound professional.
When these ‘of courses’ turn into constant meetings and duties; when Sundays are no longer a day of rest but hard Christian work – then you need to set boundaries.

Church is a place where people meet to seek God, to lift each other up and challenge them in their faith life. Before church and other believers faith is a personal thing, the relationship between God and you.
A relationship that needs to be maintained and taken care of. It can get rooky, there will be ups and downs. Just like every other relationship it takes work and time. But how can you maintain this relationship if you’re so busy in church? No ministry and full church plan will help you fix your faith life.
Saying NO is perfectly okay. The bible talks about boundaries and saying NO does not mean being selfish.
Faith is not about performing – even in a Christian, churchy context – but about being. It’s about discovering the amazing talents you’ve been given and using them WISELY to worship the Lord and bless others with them. Overusing or neglecting them will only destroy them and harm you in the end.

Let the Good In, but also Take It Out
In the last year I really struggled to go to church. I was so busy with my own life, I was dealing with so many things that I didn’t feel like mingling with others. My heart was too empty to sing joyful worship songs. My hands were too exhausted to lift them in praise. My words sounded too shallow to even pray. Meeting other believers and talking about faith seemed like the last thing I wanted in my life.
So I often stayed home, trying to worship, read the bible, or pray.
It was hard.
Pushing through tough times alone can be incredibly exhausting. Finding the Lord in times of darkness and questions and doubt can be a real struggle.

We are not supposed to struggle alone.
Life is hard and full of questions and doubts and darkness – but we have been given each other to stumble through it together. Sometimes with feeble voices, sometimes with uneasy feet, sometimes with doubtful hearts.
So reach out to each other, ask for help. Don’t withdraw from the strength and encouragement that comes from community.
A faith community.

Church is so much more than the building we go to every week. It is so much larger than the few people we gather with on Sundays. It is so much more unexpected than the four-chord-worship-songs or bible verse interpretations.
The Church is wherever people gather in Jesus’ name – in a café, in a living room. In their pyjamas, in their best suits, in their work clothes. In good and in bad times. With honest hearts, lifting up empty hands to the well that will never run out.
Open your boundaries and let the Good come in.

How does your relationship to the church look like? Do you maybe have to do less to take care of your faith life? Do you maybe have to be courageous and reach out to an unexpected faith community?

[#write31days] Day 26 Boundaries with Friends

Welcome to Day 26 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Every day we meet new people. Every day we connect with long lost people. Some of them are acquaintances, others are supposed to become friends. How do we make good friends and how do we set appropriate boundaries?

Stop Chasing
I am a people person. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. I love seeing them thrive. I am a giver. I like to invest in others through talking, texting, writing, meeting…
Until last year.
I was so exhausted from my life and investing all the time that I just had to stop. For once I needed others to invest in me. This often didn’t happen and many friendships shattered at this T-junction. I tried to keep going, keep investing, keep hoping for others to show up.
I beat myself up, I whined and complained about friends who never called. I sent out emails and texts and then pitied myself when I got nothing in return. It led to nothing but disappointment, self-questioning, and emptiness.
Most of all, I overlooked the people who did come alongside me. Texts I did not appreciate, invites I did not accept, help I did not take – because I was too busy chasing the attention of the wrong people.
Don’t chase the wrong people. Instead of complaining about what (or who) you don’t have, focus on those you do have.
Be bold enough to let those go who don’t respond. Don’t force something that’s not supposed to be. Cut ties that will only lead to emptiness and disappointment.

Open your eyes to the ones who really care about you and not just your presents. Be grateful for them and accept their help.

Rather Few than Many
As much as Facebook tries to tell us that the more ‘friends’ you have the better – few are actually better than many.
You simply can’t invest in everyone. Keeping up with many people takes a lot of time, emotions, and energy. You’ll just get lost in too many stories, questions, and problems and won’t have time to just share life together. Having fifty friends won’t fill your life, but actually leave you empty and exhausted.

Sometimes we have to say NO to friends. They are adults and can’t drop all their problems off to us. Yes, friends help each other out and care. But bearing each other does not mean taking over each other’s lives. Sometimes friendship can also mean telling some hard truths.
The older I get the more I realize the benefit from choosing my friends. I don’t have many, but those I have I really want to make an effort. Really listen, really care, really invest. This takes time and energy. But I know it’s worth it because I know they’ll do the same in return.

What Is a Friend?
I have talked to quite a few people about this topic and we often ended up at the same question: What actually makes a friend? What do we expect from our friends and how can we be better friends?
We meet lots of people every day, but not everyone will become our friend. With some people we connect for a while, but very few are meant to get close to us.

This does not happen just like that. It takes an effort on both sides.
No matter what you expect of others as friends – we have to start being good friends ourselves.
Friends are there for you. Just you, not your work, your contribution, your effort.
Friends are honest; they are willing to go deeper. Not all at once, but step by step. They are bold enough to let you in on their mess and don’t turn their backs when they’ve seen yours.
Friends can take a NO. No matter how much we like each other we also need some time to withdraw and recharge.

Setting boundaries with friends is tough because we’re often afraid to lose them. But what if it helps us to make our own expectations clear and refine the friendships we’re actually supposed to have?

Think about the friends you have. Do you chase the wrong people? Do you appreciate the ones who invest in you? Do you need to make a decision to be a good friend to few?

[#write31days] Day 25 Sabbath

Welcome to Day 25 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Setting healthy boundaries also means taking care of yourself. This also includes taking time off, making time for the things you enjoy. Things that restore your soul.
Luckily, God has set an entire day aside just for us. A whole day with lots of time to spend with Him, refresh our spirits in His presence, relax and restore. Restoration looks different for everyone; it’s just important that you find something that gives you energy, joy, and peace.
One thing that restores me is cooking. During the week it’s mostly just quick and simple, but on Sabbath I actually take time to find a cool recipe (or tweek with an old one), invest time in the kitchen, and have people around me to enjoy it with. So the Sundays of October will be filled with recipes – and if you enjoy cooking, too you might want to cook along! And if not, just give it a try, you might actually like it!

Lemon Ginger Syrup
It’s October and slowly it’s getting colder. Fall and winter also mean cold season; not the most pleasant thing to wake up with a sore throat, right? Last year I stumbled upon this recipe and this syrup has become my secret weapon against a cold. Why not try it some time?

Ingredients for 2 bottles
1 cup of freshly cut ginger
1 cup of sugar (or more, depends on your sweet tooth 🙂 )
2 cups of water
4 lemons
2 limes

Cut the ginger into small pieces and the lemons and limes into slices
add sugar and water and bring everything to boil in a pot
let it simmer until it thickens
let it cool over night
fill syrup into bottles, squeeze the fruits for some extra juice

25d

serve either cold with sparkling water or add to hot water

[#write31days] Day 24 Boundaries at Work

Welcome to Day 24 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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We leave the house early in the morning to go to work, or we switch on the computer and work from home. We come home late at night, only to find a family waiting for some of our company or more emails requiring our immediate response. We work, we run, we press on – often more than we can handle. How do set the right boundaries to make more time for the really important people and things in life? How do we handle the seemingly overwhelming piles of work in front of us?

Work is NOT your Life
Choosing a job is not easy, especially young people struggle with having just too many choices. Choices and freedom are great, but with them a certain idea has been implanted in us: We are what we do.
Your work defines your value, so you better work until you’re at the top of the list.
Your performance defines who you are, so you try to outrun everyone else and make yourself indispensable. The one a company can’t do without, the name on everyone’s lips – isn’t that a great place to be?

Well, we are not what we do.
Our value has been defined long before we ever picked up a shovel or learned how to type. I don’t need to find the perfect job which will fulfill me 100%. This is simply impossible, there’s no human being or job that will keep you happy 24-7 for the rest of your life.
Yes, find a job that makes you happy most of the time. A work you’re good at and can contribute something to. But don’t let the certificates, the work hours, or the appraisal of colleagues deceive you that this is who you are.
You are not your job.

Resting in yourself will give you the freedom from switching off the computer once in a while, locking the office door, and just leave.
It will keep your mind at ease at night when you can stop worrying about all the things not done yet, all the things gone wrong during the day. These things happen, but they change NOTHING about who you are.

There’s a life beyond work, there are people apart from our colleagues who want to spend time with us. Make sure that you enough time for them and for life itself. Life can look different for all of us, discover what restores life in you: a breakfast with your family, a few hours in the gym, a cup of coffee with a friend, reading a book just for fun, taking a vacation…live life!

Create Space
I recently read an article about the different spaces in our lives. Most people have a ‘home space’ and a ‘work space’ (except those who work from home). You work in the latter and live in the former. According to the article, this was no longer appropriate for our postmodern society. Eight to five is so yesterday; employees of today would work wherever as long as you got a notebook and wifi.

I am not sure I fully agree.
Yes, I am glad that we’re not bound to one specific space and time for work. I actually enjoy the flexibility I have with working and taking breaks.

Yet, I feel that the two spaces often overlap quite a bit, maybe even take over. Work doesn’t just stay at school or in the office; it follows me home, dominates conversations at the dinner table and has main roles in my dreams at night.

If we realize that the ‘work space’ takes over and controls the ‘home space’ it’s time to set boundaries. ‘Work space’ is once again a place for work. Where I give my best at assignments, focus on tasks and interact with colleagues. Work. Only.

At a certain time I stop, switch off the computer, lock the door.

Go home.

‘Home space’ is a place for life. Where I relax, sleep, do hobbies and interact with friends and family. Life. Only.

Since these two spaces tend to overlap more and more, it is even more important for us to set boundaries. Welcome and appreciate both spaces for what they are – and create space for growth, productivity, creativity, joy. Not doing that will only limit our space and ultimately life’s quality.

Prioritize Well
Defining spaces and using them well can be quite tough in daily life. Work just piles up, colleagues are on our toes about deadlines, and we don’t know where to start.

Germans are often called organized, and since I am German I actually learned to appreciate this stereotype. I love lists. Writing tasks down and doing them one by one doesn’t only make you feel good, it also helps you to prioritize.

At first there’s only a giant pile of work, calls, demands, questions. It can easily become overwhelming if you don’t know where to start. So I write them all down and organize them according to topic and urgency.
Yes, the work is still there, but not everything is equally important. Writing things down somehow tames the unknown, the seemingly impossible is nothing more than letters on a piece of paper. Jobs and assignment, but nothing life changing that has the right to bother me during the night or disturb precious time with family and friends. Prioritizing highlights the really important things and makes the minor issues shut up.

How does your week look like? Do you separate work and life or the two spaces overlap? Are you a planner or do you feel overwhelmed by everything you have to do?

Make a list with everything you have to do today or this week and prioritize, so you’ll have more time for what’s really important.

[#write31days] Day 23 Joy

Welcome to Day 23 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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It’s also Friday today, so I am linking up with my friends at Five Minute Friday.

It’s fall. Leaves are turning brown, yellow, and red. The sun shines less often, the sky is often dark and cloudy. Slowly by slowly, it’s getting colder.
People replace their shimmering thin summer clothes with gray or brownish thick coats. They pull out gloves and hats to cover themselves.
Heads vanish under giant hats and caps, faces are bowed low.
Smiles disappear from faces, who would have anything to be happy about in this weather?

It seems like joy is sucked out and in comes grumpiness, haste, worry about what will be tomorrow.

This is what I see around me, this is how I often feel. As soon as it is October I become moodier. Some call it “Winter blues”, others just call it ‘life’.

There will always be times when joy disappears, life just sucks it out of us and we’re left with empty, desperate, needy souls.

Joy doesn’t come easy, but is often found in unexpected places. If we train our hearts and eyes to look for it, we’ll find more joy than we think.

A group of students who enjoyed a lesson and laughed with me.
A text from a friend saying ‘Just thinking about you’.
A care package with delicious foods to get you through a busy week.
A ray of sunlight on a really cloudy day.

A reminder that He is still sovereign and His joy does not depend on mere happenings.

[#write31days] Day 22 Boundaries at Home

Welcome to Day 22 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Saying NO to the people closest to you – your family – is probably the hardest. But saying NO doesn’t mean cutting off all ties or breaking off relationships. Setting boundaries means to change relations a little bit for the better.

Honor Your Parents but Don’t Be Your Parents
As I grow older I am especially intrigued to see how the relationships to my different family members change. My parents – the heroes who took care of me and my little world – are fellow adults with normal problems, normal jobs, and normal joys. My siblings – little kids I used to read to and feed – are now grown up with own lives, own apartments, own opinions.

Even though we have no problem living and acting as adults every day we seem to undergo a strange transformation as soon as we enter our parents’ house: we once again become children with our specific role within the family. May it be the caring eldest one, the rebellious middle-child, or the spoilt last one. I guess we can never fully escape our roles, but maybe we can learn to break free from certain limitations these roles bring.

Yes, we are supposed to honor our parents. We follow their advice while we live with them, and many times I still appreciate calling my mom about a recipe or relationship advice or doubts in my faith. Does this mean I have to do everything they say and talk to them every night? No.

Yes, we should invest in the relationship with our parents, we have the chance to gain wonderful friends with them. Does this mean I have to listen to every single problem of my parents? No.

Yes, we should love and care for our parents since they have taken care of us for a long time. Does this mean I have to be my parents’ marriage counselor and fix their relationship problems? No.

Honoring your parents can mean to say NO sometimes. Allow yourself to get some distance and love them still. Allow them to take responsibility for their lives and actions. Being there for each other does not mean taking over each other’s lives and problems.

Sometimes we also have to say NO to brothers and sisters, who expect us to solve their problems. We don’t say NO to them or our relationship. We say NO to a certain behavior that renders them helpless and us pressured.

Move Out and Move On
We are all born into families to parents and siblings we can’t choose. For a certain number of years they take care of us and teach us everything we need to know about life. But then it’s time to move out. Part of growing means cutting ties with home and creating your own home. Some can’t wait until they finally have their own place, others really struggle.

Cutting ties with home is far more than just having a new address in a different town. I guess especially as a student you feel like in between as you don’t have your own family yet, but you don’t fully belong with your parents anymore. This in-between stage somehow keeps us from becoming our own people, making our own decisions, even though they might not always be what our parents might envision.
Moving on doesn’t mean cutting all ties. We will always be connected to our family and eventually we’ll just add more people to the family by getting married and having children.
Nevertheless, we need to create a life of our own. Instead of going home every weekend we need to become comfortable in our own four walls. Make it cozy, decorate the way you want. Make it a home you enjoy coming back to.
We need to make our own decisions. We all appreciate our parents’ advice, but sometimes it’s all on us. Our names on the papers, our money at stake, our final say. Growing up comes with a lot of burdens, but also freedoms. Let’s accept both.
We need to take responsibility. Don’t cry for Mom and Dad as soon as a problem arises. Experience the joy that comes from persevering until the end and growing along the way.
I guess many of us can say that moving out has changed a lot in the relationships with home. Mostly for the better. We meet as fellow adults. Whenever we get together, we focus on the precious time, the important things, the blessings.

Of course it’s not easy saying NO to the people closest to us. We don’t want to insult or upset anyone. Yet love and care do also mean honesty and courage at times. Setting boundaries does not kill relationships, it refines and redefines them. They help us to enjoy our families again.

How about your family? Are there areas where you need to say NO to parents or to siblings? Do you have to cut some ties with your family and actually move on?

[#write31days] Day 21 Keep Your Balance

Welcome to Day 21 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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In the last twenty days we have covered what boundaries are, boundary problems we can have, and some of the lies we believe about boundaries. Now we tackle the last third of the month and will take a closer look at how we can set healthy boundaries in various areas of our lives.

As I have practiced setting a few more boundaries in my life during the last year I have found one image particularly helpful. It somehow serves as an analogy on your boundary journey.

Your Life Is Like a Bank Account

Imagine your life is a bank account.You can put money in, money that will help you buy food, pay your rent, go on vacation, buy gifts for others…

In a similar way, you can ‘put money’ in your life. Things that get you through the day, that motivate you, that strengthen you. People who encourage and challenge you, who walk with you, support you.

This can look different for everyone.
I love sleep. Every morning when I get out of bed I am already excited to go back to bed at night. Sleep is a wonderful thing, it recharges your body with energy, cures sickness, and just feels good. 🙂 So I need a lot of it.
I love people. Having conversations over coffee or dinner are my favorites. Listening to their stories of what God is doing in their lives makes me excited and immensly grateful to share in His great story. Asking questions and getting challenging answers pushes me forward in my growth journey.
And I love serving others, investing my time and thoughts into their lives, giving advice and seeing someone thrive is a blessing you can’t get anywhere else. Giving someone the gift of your time or an unexpected surprise is an even greater gift to me.
But I also like to withdraw. Sometimes I just want to be alone with nothing much going on. I just want to be and remind myself that I don’t always have to do.
I need music in my life. If I don’t listen to it somewhere you’ll definitely hear me humming a tune. Sitting down at the piano and playing just for fun helps me express my feelings. Sometimes it’s soft melodies, sometimes it sounds more like I’m beating the poor thing.
I love to read. Diving into a thick novel and into a completely different world created by a genius human being. I need God’s word reverberating in my life and soul as I take a walk or simply go about my day. Knowing His presence won’t ever leave me fills me with peace beyond understanding.

Doing these things, being with these people ‘puts money’ into my life account. They refresh me, restore me, build me up, keep me going forward.

In order to buy food and clothes and pay rent and whatnot, you need to withdraw money from your bank account. This is a natural thing, we do it every day.
Unless we live in a cave all by ourselves without a job and any human interaction, living life withdraws something from our life account.
It takes our physical energy to go to work and run around all day. Sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less. But you definitely know you’ve done your days work when you fall into bed at night with heavy feet.
It takes our mental energy to plan our days and weeks and make time for everything. Of course there are things like work and meetings and church. Appointments we can’t really cancel. And of course, there are friends we want to meet, go to the gym, do another hobby…But do we plan time for yourself? Do we actually pencil ‘relax and do nothing’ into your calendar? Do we try to go to bed early and have enough sleep every night or do we stay up because there’s always more to do?
It takes our emotional energy to engage with people. As I said earlier, I am a people person. And yet, somewhere in the last two years I have learned that it’s hard work to be with people.
Getting to know them and asking the small talk question is hard.
Waiting patiently until they are willing to go deeper is exhausting. Listening carefully to someone while your mind is tempted to drift off is a tough discipline to manage.
Investing in people and relationships means giving away your time, your thoughts, your love – a bit of yourself.

Putting money in and withdrawing money from our bank account is a natural thing, we do it all the time. And normally, we don’t really think about it.
Until there’s nothing left.
Someone who has no money in his account will dread a visit to the bank because he can’t take anything out. Someone who doesn’t care and goes way over his limit will eventually drown in debt.

Giving away our energy and receiving some along the way is also a natural thing. Normally, we don’t really think about it.
Until our account is out of balance.
When we take more from others than we’re supposed to, we’ll get too comfortable, proud, and content with ourselves. Our account is about to burst and no one will share our blessings. When we withdraw more than we have, give away more time, thought, and energy than we actually have, we will break down and eventually be bankrupt. In psychological terms, you call this a burnout.
This is the time to set boundaries.

Think about your own ‘life account’. What are the things and people that ‘put money’ in? What are the things and people that ‘withdraw money’? Is your life balanced or are you heading towards bankruptcy?

[#write31days] Day 20 “I Am Selfish”

Welcome to Day 20 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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As good and hard-working people and friends we obviously want to do our jobs well and be there for our friends. Our Christian faith commands us to love others – isn’t it egoistic to set boundaries then?

Lie #4: Setting Boundaries is unbiblical and selfish
If you talk to non-Christian friends around you what Christianity is all about they’ll probably give you one word: love. Probably one of the most overused and yet underrated words in your society, bashed in media and politics. “Those Christians” are supposed to love everyone.
If you go to church on Sunday or listen closely to sermons and Christian songs; if you browse Christian media you’ll find one slogan: We must love each other because we’ve been loved first. The brothers and sisters in our congregations, the people in our neighborhoods, the refugees flooding our countries – they all deserve our attention and help. In the Bible we can read to bear each other’s burdens, to love others like we love ourselves, so let’s do that.

These are the voices we hear around us. We’re supposed to love, care, and bear – so what if we want to set boundaries? How about that other voice saying “You can’t set boundaries. Saying NO is not biblical, it’s just a selfish move. You choose to care more about yourself than to love others.”
What do we do with these voices? Are the boundaries we set selfish and unbiblical?

I believe the Bible is true, love is the key.
Often underrated in its original form, it can truly make a difference. Love is the thing that can set us apart, that can turn lives around, that can shine light into the darkness.
I also believe that our love’s supposed to be practical. Let’s support each other by listening, helping out, spending time and effort on those in need. Acting out love speaks louder than our words.

But the same Bible that commands us to love also talks about protection.

Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23

Taking care of others, loving them unconditionally, bearing their burdens is an act of life. A helping hand is life-giving to someone else. But we’re only able to share life with all its joys and hopes when we have enough life left to give.

Imagine a basin full of water, a reservoir to provide and nourish many. But just one small leak can turn it all around. The life-giving water is running out, and eventually the abundance that was once there is gone. An empty basin can support and help no one.
You’re a basin filled with with life and many good things. You’re supposed to give and love others. But you need to protect yourself from any leaks that could come from busyness, false beliefs, pushy and demanding people.
Closing yourself off once in a while is only selfish if you choose to remain in that comfort zone, if you hide the treasures you’ve been given to share.
Withdrawing into the safety of saying NO sometimes is a necessary step to protect and recharge the abundance inside of you. Well-nourished souls will always come back stronger, more alive and more passionate to share than those running on mere reserves.

Another trap is the word “care” in itself. What does it mean to care for someone else, to love someone else?
Yes, often it means getting your hands dirty, giving someone practical help. Yes, sometimes it means taking on more work than usual to give someone relief.
Taking care does not mean taking responsibility for everything and everyone. Caring too much will ultimately not help the other person, but keep them from maturing and acting responsibly themselves. Saying NO is therefore not an act of selfish egoism, but rather a step to teach others how to be responsible. One step at a time. One NO at a time.

Is the thought of selfishness familiar to you? Where do you give more than you’re actually able to? To which people do you have to say NO in order to teach them maturity?

[#write31days] Day 19 “I Don’t Want to Drive Others Away”

Welcome to Day 19 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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The problem with setting healthy boundaries, is not always connected to the work or the lack of rest – if we’re really honest and take a closer look at our heart we find a fear that drives us to never say no and just keep going.

Lie #3: My No will drive away friends, spouses, or colleagues
In the course of the last year I have practiced to say NO a bit more often.
NO to extra assignments and responsibilities.
NO to jumping on every band wagon and event.
NO to people wanting my help, my time, my effort, my creativity, my emotions.
This wasn’t an easy process.

One of the strongest forces holding me back from setting boundaries was that voice inside of me, telling me:
“If you say NO now, people won’t like you anymore.
If you no longer invest in this friendship it’ll break apart and friends will turn their backs on you.
If you cut back on your time in church, at work or other ministries, no one will ever ask you for a leadership role ever again. They’ll find people better than you and you can’t return in the future.”

Thoughts like this kept me going for a long time, but the last year has taught me that I couldn’t just go on. So I had to take a step back and dig deeper. Why did I allow these lies settle in my heart and mind?

Behind the concern for a project or other people lies fear.
Fear to be rejected by others because I can’t give anything at the moment.
Fear to be replaced by other skilled people and losing a place of passion and influence.
Fear to be abandoned by friends when you need them the most ebcause you’re at the receiving end of a friendship for once.

And underneath is an even deeper fear.
Fear of losing my identity, the definition of who I am.

The reason why I fear rejection, replacement, and abandonment is definition gone wrong. A certain position in a ministry, a place and work I’m good at tell me who I am. I can’t deny that it’s flattering to receive compliments for my work at x or my talent in y. It feels encouraging and uplifting to be good at something. We all need a bit of appreciation once in a while, but if we don’t pay attention – if we don’t set good boundaries – the chase for appreciation will define and drive us to a wrong end.
A certain intimacy and dependency are a necessary foundation for any relationship. It requires effort, initiative, and investment. Things we’re willing to give and receive for people we love and care about. Ultimately, however, no matter how close a bond is – these people don’t define who we are. And nothing we do (or don’t do) should change our status in this relationship. Or as my friend Liz once said:

We are human beings, not human doings.

This is not to say that life can be rough and relationships can look like abattlefield. And yes, sometimes friendships break apart and we’re left alone.
But who we are deep down inside, away from anyone else, has been defined a long time before you ever had any human contact.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

When we hear this voice inside us trying to hold us back from setting boundaries, we need to look deeper.
We need to examine and ask ourselves: What is the real fear behind it? Who or what do I allow to define who I am?

God is a good person to talk to, he is our creator and knows who he made us to be. So let’s be brave and face our fears, admit where our definition has gone wrong. And then allow His truth to illuminate our darkness and replace the lies buried inside of us.

Who or what defines you? Where have definitions gone wrong and you need to address deeper fears?
Take some time to ponder these questions together with God.