It starts with the little things.
When I get up in the morning, but my body is still weary from the day before – I know it’s time to rest.
When my hair starts falling out and my wrists starts itching – I know it’s time to rest.
When I snap at people for no obvious reason – I know it’s time to rest.
When I forget about people because I am so focused on the product – I know it’s time to stop. Continue reading “Listen to the Little Things”
Of Losing and Finding
In the last few years I had to deal with loss quite a bit.
I saw friends losing loved ones, and having nothing but pain leaves you speechless.
I lost relationships I thought I could count on, leaving me disappointed and disillusioned.
I moved and traveled to places, leaving me with a deafening feeling of not belonging anywhere.
I transitioned from university into work life and never imagined this change would impact me so much.
I am losing, or rather rediscovering, my faith and sometimes I feel like walking alone on a wide open sea. Continue reading “Of Losing and Finding”
What I Want
What do I want?
I want to go back to when things seemed to be easier.
When I didn’t have to worry about food on the table, bills to pay, an appartment to clean.
When I could rely on others taking care of me.
When I could just go back to school after the summer instead of job hunting.
I want to grow in the challenges life sets before me. Continue reading “What I Want”
The Wonderful Exhausting Pilgrimage of Life
I got off at the airport and picked up my rental car.
And then I started driving.
It had been four years since I had driven on the left side and I was surprised how quickly I got back into the rhythm. It was dark, but with a GPS and a sort of sense of direction I found my friends’ cottage I would be staying at for the next few days.
‘Pilgrims Rest’ said the sign on the door.
How appropriate. Continue reading “The Wonderful Exhausting Pilgrimage of Life”
The ‘Treasures’ of Traveling
When I travel I dive into the smell and taste of new food. I take in the breathtaking beauty of vast landscapes. I enjoy meeting people and listening to their stories.
When I travel I take a few pictures and collect souvenirs.
Not the objects you’d expect.
I collect stories.
In the midst of people, in a public square, on a bench at the coast – I sit down and write down all these treasures that beg to be told.
I just came back from a vacation. Two weeks in the UK with many great adventures and encounters. So here a few of my ‘treasures’ from London.
//
A street in Aldgate at rush hour with one office building next to another.
Facades of steel and glass designed for people with long hours and large paychecks. In between the skyscrapers you can still detect remnants of the people who used to live here: small brick houses with coal stained chimneys next to modern art temples of money and business. Instead of tiny shops you find exclusive bars and high-class take away restaurants for the people who can’t ‘waste’ time on meals.

Instead of low-class workers you now see men and women in elegant suits hurrying down the streets – coffee in one hand, blackberry in the other. They are no longer walking, they are running as if they can’t get away form this place fast enough. Their expensive costumes are paired with bulky trainers because their feet just can’t take it anymore after a day in high heels.

This is a place for business, strictly business.
This is London.
//
A street in West End at night.
Picadilly Circus is pulsating with cars, with tourists, with life. The streets are heavily trafficked by the all too familiar red Double-decker buses and black cabs. They. Are. Real.

People are invited to get lost in the crowds or spend a lot of money in the many shops within the neo classicist buildings. If you just stop for a moment you can pick up a variety of languages and faces from all over the world. In between the shops you can see the shiny billboards of the many theaters celebrating the arts in countless musicals.

The stories range from murder mysteries to romance to historical dramas. You dive into a world where everything’s shiny, all conversations are put into song, and in the end it will all work out well. Afterwards you walk out into real life again, carrying the stories with you and wishing that sometimes life would have a score to it.
This is a place for dreams.
This is London.
//

The smells of Whitechapel.
You take the Tube to the East End and when you get off the train it feels like you step into a whole different world. Just a few blocks away from the sophisticated business quarters at Aldgate the streets are suddenly crowded with people wearing long beards, turbans, hijabs, or burkas. The mosque is located right next to the Synagogue. Shop signs are in Tamil or Arabic and advertise restaurants which sell pilaw and masala instead of pie.

The area where workers from the nearby dockyards used to live a century ago is now home to people from all over the world, forming an incredible mixture of languages, religions, and cultures. It’s one of the poorest suburbs, but also the one where world travelers might feel most at home.
This is a place for diversity.
This is London.
//

The Mall around Buckingham Palace.
Thousands of people from around the world press their faces against the iron gates to just get a glimpse of the Changing of the Guards. Men in red embroidered coats and large fur hats march up and down to the ‘James Bond’ tune. The ceremony seems like a relict from the past, and yet the monarchy is as present in the British society as ever. The English love their Queen and you can’t help but admire this lady who’s seen and lived through so much and managed to stay true to herself and her values nevertheless. Across St. James’s Park you can see Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament. The old buildings have seen great events and heated debates, and they will soon be the place of a historical decision when the British vote on the Brexit. London and its population are crucial to the polls, and Europe is awaiting the results.

This is a place for glamor and decisions.
This is London.
//

The sounds of Covent Garden around noon.
The Piazza that used to be London’s biggest fruit and vegetable market is now filled with many elegant stalls selling everything from imported shawls to handmade jewelry. Instead of groceries you can taste original fish and chips, inhale the rich flavors of tea, or admire the delicate shapes of wooden toys. The surrounding pubs are flocked with business people and groups of friends enjoying a light lunch and a pint. Yes, it’s only noon, but it’s never too early to start drinking Ale.

Covent Garden is the stage for all the artists who haven’t made it to the West End yet. The streets become their entertainment – jugglers, magicians, comedians, and opera singers. If you allow yourself to pause and sit down for a moment you discover something beautiful: a soft melody in the midst of the street noise. A song that makes you wonder like a child. A small glimpse of the extraordinary in the ordinary.
This is a place for celebration.
This is London.
//
Four days in this beautiful, complex, enchanting and intriguing city. I take away sore feet, tanned skin, and a few pictures. There’s still so many places to discover, so many stories to tell. I’ll be back.
If We Don’t Grow We’ll Die
It’s just been two weeks since I finished my teacher training, and it still feels unreal most of the time. Am I really done after such a long time of studying and practicing and learning?
Well, the certificate is done. But I guess I am not done learning. In fact I never want to be done.
There is a saying, “if you stop learning you’ll die.”
I don’t want to die.
Instead I want to continue learning.
I want to make myself available for new experiences that might come in unexpected times and places.
I want to keep my eyes open for the beautiful, the broken, the hope that’s so often forgotten.
I want to challenge myself to go outside my comfort zone and test the waters.
I want to let others tell me their story and share more of life together.
I don’t want to die.
Instead I want to continue growing.
I want to dig my roots deep into the ground so that I’m able to soar to new heights.
I want to plant myself in a fruitful community that allows us to help each other grow.
I want to get to know myself and God more and not shy away from the dark unknown corners.
I want to learn to root myself in who I was made to be and not who others want me to be.
Writing for Five Minute Friday today.
I Am Not Anne
When I was a young girl, my favorite book was Anne of Green Gables. I loved reading about the adventures and mishaps of Anne, an eleven year old orphan who’s adopted by two elderly siblings. She isn’t wanted at first, but eventually moves in with the Cuthberts and changes life in the small town of Avonlea quite a bit. With her very open and curious personality she falls into a few traps along the way, but somehow she always manages to win people over. No mater how selfish, bitter or traditional people are – Anne finds ‘kindred spirits’ everywhere.
I have always found Anne’s character quite appealing, considering the fact that she moves into a very tight-knit community. Everybody knows everyone in Avonlea, and everyone is somehow related. This comes with the usual conflicts and gossip: once you do something ‘wrong’ (which basically means something different than traditions) everyone knows about it. And everyone is entitled to have an opinion on it.

Anne doesn’t care. She does things differently, ignores rules, or revises old traditions. She confuses people with her extroverted character and ideas, but in the end she brings the community closer together. People suddenly help each other out and care for each other.
Grandma’s place reminds me a lot of Avonlea. A small village in the middle of nowhere where everyone knows everyone. There are conflicts and there’s gossip. There’s one right way to do it, and a lot of confused stares and hushed comments if you do it differently.
There’s close community and a lot of help, too. You can call people anytime if you need homemade food, farming supplies or practical help. People reach out and are willing to care about each other. My Grandma and my mom as well are used to simply picking up the phone and calling for help. They have no problem walking into other people’s yards.
They are at home there.
As much as I enjoy Grandma’s place I realize it’s not my Avonlea.
When I was there a few weeks ago Grandma asked me to pick up some honey from the neighbor. “You can walk through the backyard”, she said.
I really wanted to.
Instead, I stood there and hesitated.
Unable to walk through the yard I realized that I know of people, but I don’t really know them. I am not the kind of person who just walks into people’s yards and lives. I am not the kind of girl who turns others into ‘kindred spirits’.
I am not Anne.
I have had my shares of adventures and mishaps (and I hope I’m not done yet!). I have walked into cultural traps and caused more confusion than understanding. I have felt unwanted and lost in tight-knit communities.
And yet I have discovered that there’s more of an Anne inside of me than I thought.
I do have a way to look at the world that some might call daydreaming, idealistic, or naïve. I call it finding beauty in the mundane. With the right mindset you can see past the worries, pain, and problems life so often throws at us.
I do clash with people’s mindsets and opinions because I sometimes do things ‘differently’. But it’s such a blessing to see how others live and think – why don’t we learn more from each other? And more than that, why don’t we practice caring about and for each other?

Most of all, I did and do find ‘kindred spirits’ everywhere. It normally happens when I least expect it. At a friend’s birthday party, on my way home from work, in a comment below a blog post.
‘Kindred spirits’ who have traveled the world, who have lived in different countries and fell in love with several cultures at the same time.
Who know what it means to feel lost and want to belong so badly.
Who do things ‘differently’ and yet don’t want to give up themselves.

Who might be afraid to walk through the neighbor’s backyard, but would have no problem finding a place to stay on any continent.
Who have discovered that our Avonlea is bigger than one geographical location – it can be found whenever we let each other in on the new, weird, exciting, exhausting experiences life might bring.
That Moment You Don’t Want to Feel
You know what the worst part of transition is?
That one moment when you realize it’s actually gone.
You have left and cannot return.
You have lost something or someone and you’ll never get them back.
The moment when the missing sets in and it hurts so badly.
I miss a lot of things and people.
I miss the relaxed time table of student life.
I miss the many friends in the many places I’ve lived in.
I miss the smell of certain places.
I miss the opportunities I didn’t take advantage of and which might have led to greatness.
I miss my childlike faith which seems so far away from me at the moment.

Missing is not a good place to be stuck in and we shouldn’t dwell on everything we don’t have all the time because it makes us blind for the wonders around us.
And yet we need to miss things and people.
Acknowledging that we miss them is the first important step in the grieving process. Allowing the motions to sweep our feet away until peace and gratitude settle in our hearts.
It’s okay to miss people, places, things, life stages, emotions.
Because I’d rather feel this than nothing at all.
What are the things and people you miss?
Writing for Five Minute Friday today.
This Is Not Real
I walked out of the building and just stood there.
This was not happening.
This could not be real.
Just a few minutes ago the examiner had said, “Congratulations, you have passed.”
You see, this “Congratulations” was the last one to a long series of practical and oral exams as part of my teacher training.
And now it is over.
I am a teacher now.
Time to grow up and be a ‘real’ adult.

I can’t really describe how I feel.
I am still dizzy from excitement and a bit giddy that everything went to well.
I am still doubting that this really happened and it’s really over.
And yes (you know me), I am a bit nostalgic.
And era in my life comes to an end. Two decades of learning and training and education. From now on I get to teach and to train and to educate.
This is exciting, but immensely scary at the same time.
Life is full of transitions and changes, and you know what, that’s good.
Time passes by so quickly, and if we’re not careful, it passes us by.
So let’s enjoy now because you can never get it back.

Live in the moment.
Take in the beauty of today.
Spend time with the people around you.
Be thankful for the time that has passed by, for all the goodness you have seen, for all the grace you have received.
For all the treasures you’re able to pass on to the next day or person.
Writing for Five Minute Friday today.
And Yet
Just one small candle, its flame hardly seen against the bright blue sky.
But it was there.
Shining.
Making a statement.
Twenty something students and I had just visited a concentration camp to get a first hand experience what our dark past had been like. The memories of torture, suffering, and death where looming over the hill. The lives of so many who had died here were still somehow present.
And now we were here to remember them.
It was an eerie feeling.
These people had died at the hands of those who no longer seemed to be people.
They were animals.
They had taken away whatever humanity had still been left in the victims and treated them like a piece of waste.
No dignity, no honor, just shame.
Silence.
We remember those who suffered in the past, but realize the suffering of today as well.
The people who are forced into slave labor.
The people who suffer in prostitution or the porn industry.
The many refugees who wait at the gates of Europe and are met with nothing but hatred and spite.
The people who don’t fit into our little view of the world and we so often judge.
People are still cruel today.
Humanity and dignity is lost in so many places.
And yet.
One small candle makes a difference.
As more and more people light candles we come closer together.
We are all individuals, but we are also all together.
And together we can make this dark world a little brighter, a little better.
Writing for Five Minute Friday today.