Just Life – Page 16

[Five Minute Friday] Notice

I have a hobby I don’t always take the time for.
But when I do it, it’s always very fulfilling and interesting.
I like to watch people.
After a full day of shopping or just running around town, it feels good to sit down, have a cup of coffee, and just watch people.
The other day I met with a friend and we sat there for about two hours just watching.

We were in a new city, but even if you are in your own town you’ll notice so many things.
There are so many people on the streets you’ve never seen before.
Every day you walk these streets, and yet you’ll never be able to have seen everyone in this town!

There are single people. Couples walking hand in hand.
Wives dragging along their husbands into yet another shop.
There are children window shopping for toys and candy.
There are senior couples taking it slow.
There are three old ladies who enjoy a night out in town as if they were just 22 years old (these three seriously made me laugh and hope I will be like this one day!).

You notice so many things around you if you take the time to stand still for a while.
Each of these people has a story, a life behind this moment I get a glimpse of.
I am overwhelmed by seeing everyone.
Trying to figure out how they live, what brought them here today, how they might feel.

And then I am reminded of my heavenly Father who says of himself that he notices everything and everyone.
He sees more than a glimpse.
He sees your whole life, your deepest feelings, the full story.
And YOUR story matters to Him.

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It’s Friday, so I am linking up with a great group of writers over at Kate Motaung‘s place. Come on over and read some more inspirational thoughts!

So…what’s next?

I had my last exam on Monday.
This means I graduated. I am done with uni.
After a year of getting up early, studying several hours a day, and exam over exam I am finally finished.

For the last few weeks people have been asking me how I feel.
Relieved? Happy? Free? Excited?
To be honest, my answer was no.
Here’s how I feel: I am afraid.
Terrified and uncertain.
Not sure of the future and myself anymore.
About to step out on the waters and doubting how crazy the waves are going to be.
Between knowing and not knowing.

I remember feeling like that after I graduated from high school.
Leaving the old, known world behind.
Stepping outside the comfortable system of school.
Leaving behind the security of knowing who I was, who those around me where, and how I was supposed to act and behave.
I thought I could never fit into another system again.

But I did.
I entered university and was shocked to hear I would have to study for five years.
Five long years in one place.
These long years became very short.
And they were filled with lots of friendships, meeting wonderful people and being incredibly blessed by what they bring to my life.
There were many hours of reading and “aha” moments along the way. I must say I liked digging into theories, exploring complexities, and ending up with new knowledge.
I liked studying and being nerdy sometimes.
There, I said it. I will miss this place.

But these years were also filled with quite a bit of challenges, disappointments and tough realizations. The growth I experienced in the last five years didn’t come cheap, but mostly through struggle and endurance.
These five years shaped me and taught me how to be, act, and behave in this new phase of my life.
And now they are over.

I am once again at a crossroads in my life, leaving behind the old and awaiting the new.
So what’s next is taking my time.
Time to look back at what I leave behind.
To be grateful for the many blessings and experiences.
To seek true rest and enough stillness to hear the Lord’s voice again. One of the hardest and most needed things. If I don’t do it now I might never do it and I will hit rock bottom again and again.

It might take some time to allow my heart to disengage from the old and prepare itself for the new.
And then hopefully the feeling of fear and uncertainty will make way for true joy and excitement. There is a new system and a new me waiting out there, and it might just get better. Even though uni is over I will continue learning. From people and from life.

I guess many of these thoughts are true for all those finding themselves at a crossroads in life. Some sort of transition into a new country, culture, or phase of life.
Know that it’s okay to take your time.
Disengage properly, so you can be ready for what’s to come.
I would love to hear your experiences!

Okay…for all who were wondering: Those are some of the thoughts floating around in my mind at the moment. I will update you shortly on what the next steps will look like in practice…

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Am Montag hatte ich meine letzte Prüfung.
Das heißt, ich habe nun meinen Abschluss, die Uni ist vorbei.
Nach einem Jahr früh aufstehen, mehrere Stunden am Tag lernen und einem Examen nach dem anderen bin ich endlich fertig.

Die letzten Wochen haben mich Leute gefragt, wie ich mich fühle.
Erleichtert? Froh? Frei? Aufgeregt?
Ehrlich gesagt, war meine Antwort nein.
So fühle ich mich: Ich habe Angst.
Ich fühle mich unsicher und fürchte mich.
Ich habe keine Ahnung, wer ich bin oder wie die Zukunft wird.
Ich fühle mich, als ob ich aufs Wasser gehe und zweifle, wie krass die Wellen um mich schlagen werden. So zwischen wissen und nicht wissen.

Ich erinnere mich, dass es mir ähnlich ging, damals nach dem Abitur.
Ich ließ die alte vertraute Welt hinter mir. Ich ging hinaus aus dem bequemen Schulsystem und ließ damit die Sicherheit zurück, zu wissen, wer ich war, wer die Leute um mich herum waren und wie ich mich zu verhalten hatte.
Ich dachte, ich würde nie wieder in ein System reinpassen.

Aber genau das passierte.
Ich begann das Studium und war schockiert zu hören, dass es fünf Jahre dauern würde.
Fünf lange Jahre an einem Ort.
Diese langen Jahre wurden plötzlich aber ganz kurz.
Und sie waren gefüllt mit vielen Freundschaften, ich habe wunderbare menschen getroffen und wurde so gesegnet mit dem, was sie in mein Leben gebracht haben.
Es waren viele Stunden voll mit Lesen und Aha-Momenten. Ich muss sagen, mir macht es Spaß, mich in Theorien und komplexe Dinge hineinzudenken und am Ende mehr Wissen zu haben. Okay, ich sag es einfach: Ich werde diesen Ort vermissen.

Aber diese Jahre waren auch voller Herausforderungen, Enttäuschungen und harten Eingeständnissen. Das Wachstum, das ich in den letzten fünf Jahren erlebt habe, war nicht billig, sondern kam vor allem durch Kämpfe und Ausdauer. Diese fünf Jahre haben mich geprägt und mich gelehrt zu sein und zu handeln in dieser neuen Phase meines Lebens.
Und jetzt sind sie vorbei.

Ich stehe mal wieder an einer Kreuzung in meinem Leben, lasse das Alte zurück und warte auf das Neue.
Was also als nächstes kommt ist Zeit. Ich nehme mir Zeit.
Zeit, um auf das zurückzuschauen, was ich zurücklassen.
Um dankbar zu sein für die vielen Erfahrungen und Segen.
Um wirkliche Ruhe zu suchen und genug Stille, um Gottes Stimme wieder zu hören. DAs ist eins der meistgewollten und auch der härtesten Dinge. Aber wenn ich es jetzt nicht tue, werde ich es vielleicht nie tun und immer wieder hinfallen.

Es dauert vielleicht eine Weile, meinem Herz zu erlauben, sich bewusst vom Alten loszulösen und sich auf das Neue vorzubereiten.
Und dann wird hoffentlich das Gefühl der Angst und Unsicherheit Platz machen für wahre Freude und Spannung. Es gibt ein neues System da draußen, das auf mich wartet und es wird wahrscheinlich nur besser. Obwohl die Uni vorbei ist, lerne ich weiter. Von menschen und vom Leben.

Wahrscheinlich sind die meisten dieser Gedanken ähnlich für all diejenigen, die auch an einer Kreuzung in ihrem Leben stehen. Irgendeine Art von Übergang in ein neues Land, Kultur oder Lebensphase.
Es ist okay, dass du Zeit brauchst. Löse dich gut und vollständig, damit du bereit bist für das, was kommt.
Ich würde gerne deine Erfahrungen hören!

Okay…für alle Fragenden: Das sind ein paar der Gedanken, die mir gerade im Kopf rumgehen. Aber bald gibt’s mehr, wie das Ganze in der Praxis aussieht….

[Five Minute Friday] Still

Do you hear that?
Nothing.
Silence.
Stillness.

This week has been somewhat strange.
After an immensely busy year it is the first time I paused.
After a year of studying I could wake up in the morning and do nothing. Or whatever I wanted.
Well, I got sick. Back pain kept me in bed for most of the week and I was forced to rest.
To be still.
And I realized I am really bad at it.

The thing I had yearned for was finally here.
That feeling I had looked forward to all year whenever things were just too much for me: “Soon you’ll be off and can be still”. Well, here it is.
And I don’t know how to handle it.
I am actually quite afraid of it.

I am between wanting and not wanting.
So wanting to get out of my busy life, away from the voices and tasks and things thrown at me.
Shutting off the sounds that make it impossible for me to hear what’s really important.
Being attentive to God’s whisper once again.
So anxious of really being still.
Cutting everything off and being left with…nothing.
Afraid that the stillness will not lead to something.
That God won’t show up.
That I am not willing to go far enough.

It is a challenge to be still.
It is hard to really seek stillness.
And yet I think we sometimes need to let go of the not wanting and walk towards the wanting.
Cut off some of the noise and expect HIM to come out of the stillness.
Because if I am still, really still, I can hear him calling.
Can you hear it, too?

(I am off for two months now before student teaching begins, and I am looking forward – with an incredibly anxious and wanting heart – to a time of rest and stillness. I don’t know what will happen, but I definitely want to try and listen to the call.)

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Once again I am linking up with a fabulous writer community over at Kate Motaung’s Five Minute Friday – come and join us!

[Five Minute Friday] Turn

I love driving.
Cruising on African sand roads and navigating the potholes is one of the most exhilarating experiences in life.
Sometimes, though, driving can be nerve wrecking. Like driving through a city you’ve never been to. With a car full of people and everyone seems to have an opinion on “don’t drive too fast”, “I think we should stop here”, or “look out for the traffic lights”. And then of course, there’s the GPS which has a mind of its own.

Far too quickly I get lost, take the wrong turn and don’t know where I am anymore.
Generally, I have a very good sense of orientation and like to guide people.
Driving and navigating in busy traffic at the same time is really hard. So when I get stuck I need to park somewhere, shut off the engine, figure out where I am and start over.

Sometimes life is like driving.
Every new day is a trip into the unknown, we don’t know the “life city” with all its roads ahead of us. We might have a general road map, but this can change at any minute.
There will be construction sites – things we need to work on which slow us down.
There might be potholes – broken things in our life that get to us again and again.
Or traffic jams – voices all around us, telling us what to do and what not, trying to push us in a certain direction…
We try to get through, we try to navigate this madness called life, but very often we are confused.
We take the wrong turn. And we’re lost.

I have taken quite a few wrong turns in life.
And that’s okay. Life’s not meant to be one straight path.
There will be turns and curves, hills and speeding lanes.
When life gets too busy, when I am lost in traffic or have just taken a wrong turn I stop.
I remember what this “drive” is all about.
I turn towards the One with the master plan, who calms all the other voices and brings peace to my troubled soul.
No matter how many wrong turns I take, He takes them with me, and his grace will lead me home.

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It’s Friday and I am linking up with Kate Motaung and a great community of writers from all around the world. One prompt, five minutes of writing, no editing. Why don’t you join us?

[31 Days] Day 23 Free

It’s Day 23 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!
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I had some interesting conversations with my sister and some friends in the last few weeks that got me thinking.

“I think I am not a TCK anymore.”

This sounded weird to me at first, harsh even.
How can you just let go of everything you’ve experienced, not acknowledge your past and the many blessings that came with it?

But I think this is not what they meant.
To call yourself a TCK can easily become your excuse.
Your protective shield.
Your wall to hide behind.

No, I won’t settle here because I am bound to move all my life anyway.
No, I won’t meet new people because my best friends live on another continent anyway.
No, I will never fit in here because as a TCK I cannot fit in anywhere.

If being a TCK leads to hiding and excuses, then you use the wonderful experiences you had as a stumbling block to move on and might keep yourself from many more blessings.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting everything else.

As TCKs we should be free of the constant victim and excuse mentality, holding us back from enjoying life, as fragmented and multi-faceted it may be.

So what makes a TCK a TCK?
I am not quite ready to give up the term yet.
I am ready to let go of calling myself a victim and rather see myself as benefactor of this life I’ve been given to live.
Yet, the older I get and the more I enter into new stages of life I feel I cannot NOT be a TCK.
Here and there, in small and big thoughts, decisions, factors I see how my past shapes my present and my future.
This is nothing to be scared of or hide behind, but I feel TCKs should be aware of this and embrace the “TCK seeds” that now bear fruits.

This is an issue I am not done with yet, and I would be really interested to hear from YOU!
Are you an older TCK and have had similar questions? How do you define yourself as a TCK? How do you have problems with the TCK identity?

[31 Days] Day 15 Away

It’s Day 15 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

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Do you have good friends?
The ones you can call in the middle of the night?
The ones you can walk over to for a spontaneous chat?
The ones you can be quiet around and still be understood?
The ones who make you laugh?
The ones who know things about you you’re not when aware of yourself because they grew up with you?
The ones who help you in the small and big crises life can bring?

I hope that we all have at least one friend like that.
You might be able to just walk over to your friend or call at no cost.

Well, TCK friendships are often a bit harder.
We travel a lot and friendships normally have an expiry date.
Far too soon you or the other person mögt away and friendship has to be redefined.

Quite often I discover a desire inside of me to be near my friends.
But where are they?
I don’t always have money to fly around the world and attend a friends wedding.
I first have to think about time difference before I call a friend to tell her good news. When I need a shoulder to lean on, a distant face on a computer screen just isn’t the real deal.

Friendships change so quickly.
As the quote says I sometimes feel like my part is ripped into pieces; everywhere I plant myself I leave a piece of my heart behind with beloved people.
And the more I move the more I yearn for these pieces far away.

But it works.
It’s still worth it planting myself in new places and discovering wonderful new friends. And the scarce time I get to spend with dear friends virtually is still a blessing.
Especially since we know that far away won’t last forever.
One day we will all be together and our hearts will be whole again.

How do you live friendships with people far away?

[Five Minute Friday] New

It’s Friday, so this means there will be a “normal” Five Minute Friday post here today. Join fellow writers over at Kate‘s!
But it’s also Day 3 of the 31 Days series in the Life of a TCK, so obviously it will all go under this theme. Never heard of the series? No problem, you’re welcome to join in! Find more infos here, then subscribe to get all the posts in your inbox!
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Six years after I had left Uganda I once again stepped onto African ground.
Somehow my heart had drawn me to South Africa, so I would spend a year there doing voluntary work in a township near Pretoria.
While packing, while saying goodbye, while anticipating the adventure – my heart sang: Africa, I am coming back.

I thought I knew Africa.
I thought I knew how things would be, what clothes to wear, what life to live, what people to meet.
Well, in some respect yes.
From the moment my team leader picked me up from the airport and we drove through the countryside I felt at home. Driving on the left side just seemed so much more natural to me than the right (and I still prefer it until today).

But in so many respects no.
Houses looked different, the roads had less potholes and more asphalt, and the people were different.
There were white people who called themselves African, a concept that did not fit in my picture of black-African; white- foreigner.
It took me a while to get used to the mambo jambo of the Rainbow Nation South Africa.

This would not just be another year in Africa. This was something new.
I was no longer the missionary kid tagged along by the parents and seeing what they did.
This was me being the missionary and doing the work, including all the joys and hardships.

Different good or different bad? Definitely good. But so new and challenging.

This experience is true for many TCKs who move between cultures and lived in even more countries than me.
You cannot compare one or the other.
Every bit of their lives is different and new.
And that’s okay, it keeps you fresh and challenges a different bit inside of you.

This experience is also true for just life with all its different transitions and life phases.
New job, graduating from college, getting married, having a child, retiring.
We think we know life and yet we always have to discover that there are new facets to it every day.
Different good or different bad?
Hopefully good.
And new and exciting.

[Five Minute Friday] Because

I remember certain conversations (or rather arguments?) with my sister or my mother when I was younger.
Normally we would fight about who would play who when we played “House”, who was supposed to clean the stairs, who would have to watch our little brother…

In the German language there’s this wonderful word that can solve every argument. DOCH (as English speakers, try to pronounce it, it will sound like a machine gun).
To any why question or why not not question, or even to a “you will threat” you can simply say Doch. It stands for everything you might be for or against. And for a child’s strongest will.

In English I sometimes miss this word, but BECAUSE is a pretty good contestant.
And interestingly, I still find myself in arguments (or was it rather conversations?).
This time, however, I am at the other end, and my partner is the Lord.
We talk about life, why things are hard sometimes.
Why I can’t be somewhere else now.
Why he still hasn’t done this and that.
Why I haven’t grown in such and such way.

And his answer often includes BECAUSE.

Luckily, he gives more than just this word.
Whenever the Israelites argued with the Lord, he sure gave them a whole list on why’s.
The Bible is full of BECAUSE.

Don’t hate yourself BECAUSE I love you.
Don’t give up BECAUSE I am with you.
Don’t be afraid BECAUSE I will carry you through the fire.
Give freely to others BECAUSE I have given everything for you.
You’re not worthless BECAUSE I have redeemed you.

His BECAUSE silences any kind of why or what we could ever come up with.
I am glad that the Lord and I can talk, yes even argue at times. But I am even more grateful that he wins every time.

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Linking up with Kate Motaung for five minutes of writing, no editing, and sharing with a wonderful community!

[Five Minute Friday] Ready

There I was, at the airport, about to take the biggest step of my life.
I would get on that plane to Johannesburg, South Africa, to spend the best year of my life.
Finding God, finding people, finding myself.
But was I ready for that? After months of planning and paperwork it all still seemed unreal. Maybe even frightening. What was I thinking?

I guess we all know these moments.
The first steps into the adult world after school.
One last major exam that makes up our university degree.
The walk down the aisle into married life alongside a person you’re still in the process of getting to know.
The first day on the first job.
The first child.
The sudden diagnosis that turns your life around.
The realization that life on this earth has an expiration date.
Are we ready for all that? Will we ever be?

It doesn’t take much to make our lives spin. Often it’s the little things that push us off the cliff and make us lose ourselves.
It reminds me of little birds that are pushed out of the nest at some point.
Sounds cruel, but it forces them to spread their wings and actually fly.
Taking the plunge makes them realize that the air carries them and there’s a whole new world out there to be discovered.

Life and its changes is like that bird mother pushing us out of the nest.
Again and again, with big and small things.
Shaking up our comfortable nests. Making us take the plunge.
But only then can we realize that there’s something there.
When we spread our wings we realize there’s something underneath carrying us.
The One who was always there and always will be.
His comfort enables us to spread our wings and fly.
Into the next step of life, into a world out there to be discovered and conquered.

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After a short break I am back to the Five Minute Friday community with Kate Motaung! One word. Five Minutes of Writing. No editing. Linking up with fellow writers. Come and join us!

Hold your breath because I’m holding it, too

My brother just turned 18.
This is not just a big deal for him but also for me (and maybe my sister). We are his big sisters and watched him grow up. And I guess, every parent or big brother and sister can relate to such feelings.

I remember the times I took care of him, put him to bed, took him out for a fun day, made him food…he was the little one and I had to watch over him.
Well, he’s all grown up now and things have changed.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re still close and I love my little brother who’s so much taller than me now. We might even have more fun today, I often can’t do anything but laugh at his jokes and entertainment. And marvel at the same time at his wisdom and thoughts he throws into a heated discussion.

But I don’t have to watch over him anymore.
I see him making his own decisions, going on adventures, making his own mistakes.

And I can’t deny that I’m worried. Honestly, I’m quite scared at times. I don’t really know about what, there’s just this feeling.

This feeling of holding your breath and see life taking place.
Absolutely necessary but so hard at times.
Holding my breath means letting go.
Knowing that in the end God is taking care of him.
Walking where I can’t go.
Watching over him when he’s out of my sight.
Holding him close to his side in his almighty hands.

While I wonder about life and its fears and worries I suddenly hear this quiet voice in me: God’s teaching me a lesson.

Hold your breath for him.

Because that’s what I do for you. Every single day.
I hold my breath when you walk through the day, take on challenges, meet people,
and do your work.
I hold my breath when you take risks and step out onto the water.
I hold my breath when you walk away from me, my beloved child.
I walk with you, watch over you, and wait until you come back to me.

I want to learn to see the Father holding his breath and watching over me as I take on life everyday.
And even more, I want to learn and try to hold my breath for others, knowing that He will watch over them as they take on life.

Mein Bruder wurde gerade 18.
Das ist nicht nur ein wichtiges Ereignis für ihn, sondern auch für mich (und vielleicht meine Schwester). Wir sind seine großen Schwestern und haben ihn aufwachsen sehen. Und ich denke, dass alle Eltern oder großen Geschwister ähnliche Gefühle kennen.

Ich erinnere mich an all die Male, wo ich mich um ihn gekümmert, ihn ins Bett gebracht, eine Ausflug mit ihm gemacht, für ihn gekocht habe…er war der kleine und ich musste auf ihn aufpassen.

Jetzt ist er groß und Dinge haben sich verändert.

Versteh mich nicht falsch, wir stehen uns immer noch sehr nah und ich liebe meinen kleinen Bruder, der nun so viel größer ist als ich. Vielleicht haben wir heute sogar mehr Spaß, oft kann ich einfach nur über seine Witze und Entertainment lachen. Und gleichzeitig staunen über seine Weisheit und Gedanken, die er in eine hitzige Diskussion einbringt.

Aber ich muss nicht mehr auf ihn aufpassen.
Ich sehe, wie er eigene Entscheidungen trifft, Abenteuer eingeht, eigene Fehler macht.

Ich kann nicht leugnen, dass ich mir Sorgen mache. Ganz ehrlich, habe ich manchmal Angst. Ich weiß nicht genau um was, aber da ist dieses Gefühl.
Dieses Gefühl, die Luft anzuhalten und Leben geschehen zu lassen.
Es ist absolut notwendig, aber oft auch so schwer.
Die Luft anzuhalten heißt loszulassen.
Zu wissen, dass Gott sich letztlich um ihn kümmert.
Dorthin geht, wo ich nicht bin.
Über ihn wacht, wenn ich ihn nicht im Blick habe.
Ihn nah an seiner Seite und in seinen allmächtigen Armen hält.

Während ich über das Leben und seine Sorgen nachdenke, höre ich eine leise Stimme in mir: Gott zeigt mir etwas neues.

Halte die Luft für ihn an.

Denn das ist es, was ich für dich tue. Jeden einzelnen Tag.
Ich halte die Luft an, wenn du durch den Tag gehst, Herausforderungen annimmst, Leute triffst und arbeitest.
Ich halte die Luft an, wenn du Risiken eingehst und aufs offene Wasser trittst.
Ich halte die Luft an, wenn du von mir wegläufst, mein geliebtes Kind.
Ich geh mit dir, wache über dich und warte, bis du zu mir zurückkommst.

Ich möchte lernen, den Vater zu sehen, wie er für mich die Luft anhält und über mir wacht, während ich jeden Tag das Leben in die Hand nehme.
Und noch mehr möchte ich lernen, die Luft für andere anzuhalten in dem Wissen, dass ER über sie wacht, während sie das Leben in die Hand nehmen.