Five Minute Friday

Would You?

What would you say
if I
decided to come back?
Would you
welcome me
into your open arms?
Would you
embrace me
until I stopped
shaking?
Would you
tell me that
your love
for me
has
never
stopped
no matter
how far away
from you
I had run?
Would you
remind me
that there is
always,
always grace?
Would you
show me
what it means
to love
again,
to be in this relationship,
to believe?
Would you have
faith
for me
when I lose it
yet again?
Would you
reveal new facets about
yourself
to me?
Would you
allow me to find
you,
to know you
again?
Would you
take me by the hand
and walk with me
into this
wide space
in front of us?
Would you
show me how
beautiful
and deep
life with you can be?
Would you
teach me that being with
you
is
was
and will always be
worth it?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.
Inspired by a story.

For the Wanderers and Wonderers [A Deconstructionist Psalm]

I leave the safe shore behind and wade into the waves.
Through bitterness and hurt I develop critical thinking and courage to not remain silent. I face my fears and name my anger.

I am walking away and I am walking further. And I am wondering when I will arrive.
And if I do, where will I be?

I ask the uncomfortable questions and sit a long time waiting for the answers.
I live with silence.
I open the boxes that contain my knowledge about You, the facts and stories I have been taught over the years, the things I no longer am sure of.
I take them in my hands, one by one, turn them over and examine them from all angles.
I sift through the mess that is my heart to get to the real emotions hiding in the corners.

I let go of what doesn’t carry me anymore, of false assumptions, of too small ideas of You. I reach out to others in the wilderness and enjoy our honest conversations for once.
I embrace a bigger picture, a bigger You, a bigger love.

I am walking away and I am walking further. And I am wondering when I will arrive.
And if I do, where will You be?

I can’t deny that this journey has been painful and exhausting.
What happens after letting go?
What do I do with the remains of my faith?
I wonder if I will ever get to a point when I’ll feel whole again.
When the broken pieces have been reconstructed and transformed into something stronger and more beautiful than imagined.
When I have developed new ways to find You, to believe in You.

I am walking away and I am walking further. And I am wondering if this is what I’m meant to be – a wanderer, a wonderer, a person completely herself. A traveler who knows deep in her heart that You are the only constant on this journey.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

Life Lessons

It’s been quiet around here. Maybe a bit too quiet.
I was shocked to see that I hadn’t written anything since May, but well…life happened. This school year, I took on an extra Erasmus+ project which allowed me to travel all across Europe and gave me access to historic sites, well-connected people and great learning experiences. On the other hand, it also kept me away from my life at home and time to practice my writing.

Last Friday was the last day of school and there are six weeks of no agenda and to-do-lists ahead of me.
I can’t believe how much I need this right now.

In the last lesson I asked my students what they have learned about the world, each other and themselves this year. So they wrote down facts and skills they have taken away from my class.

But what have I learned this year?

Never stop learning.
As a teacher, your job is mainly to rearrange complex facts into learning tasks and smaller steps. It is quite easy that you forget to be a learner yourself, to take time to really dig into a topic and experience that satisfaction when you comprehend something new. The project I was in taught me a lot about history and the value of modern democracy. It felt so good to be somewhere new and to discover things I hadn’t heard about before.

Self-care has to be a priority.
It was probably my busiest year yet because I had so many things going on on the side. On the calendar it looked like a few trips and appointments that would be manageable – being in the midst of them sometimes felt like hell. There were several days when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. It’s been a few years since my beakdown and I never wanted to let it come that far again. Well, it was close. I need to take better care of my time and allow enough moments of rest in between.

People are life’s greatest adventure.
This year has been a lot about people. The material and schedules become less important as I grow aware of my students’ lives, personalities and challenges. In one class, students were really open and allowed me glimpses into their thoughts and emotions, which is an immeasurable gift I’ll treasure forever. I was lucky to travel a lot with the same group of students and got to know them beyond the school context. This has been enriching and life-giving.

This life is about you. So who do YOU want to be?
However, I can’t deny that people can be exhausting and draining your energy. You give so much and often receive so little in return. If your emotional tank is depleted it can become frustrating, and sometimes I found myself angry and disappointed by so little feedback or gratitude. I discovered how much I depend on people’s appreciation and recognition. Don’t we all want to be seen and feel like we matter? I began to compare myself to friends and colleagues who seemed to be so much better and so much more loved (which is a lie, but your mind can go crazy if you don’t monitor your emotions). I had to confront my own neediness and feelings of envy – and I’m glad to have some friends who called me out on it and reminded me of the really important things in life: it’s not about the others, this is about you. Who are you and what kind of person do you want to be?

Find your people and share yourself with them.
When things get tough and life tosses you around, surround yourself with people who remind you of truth in the midst of lies and light in the darkness. Be brave to share yourself with others, the good and especially the rough parts, and allow them to love you either way.

Make space at the table.
Even though it hurts when your work goes unnoticed, I don’t want it to stop me from being generous. Instead of letting bitterness settle in my heart, I want to look out for the beauty around me and speak it. I want to notice people’s service and applaud it. I want to pull others from the shadows into the light where everybody is welcome and everyone is seen.

There was one field on the evaluation form that allowed students to leave comments. Many left it blank, but a few wrote things that warmed my heart:
“You’re a great teacher.”
“Thank you for being so patient with us.”
“Thank you for all the opportunities you gave us this year.”
“I will miss you.”

Life is probably only as dark as the way you choose to look at it and people can surprise you if you allow them to. Here’s to a beauty-filled summer break ahead!

What have you learned this year? I would love to hear from you!

It’s been a while since I joined my friends at Five Minute Friday. Kate celebrates her five year anniversary of hosting this writing family this week – come and join the party!

My People.

So what is culture anyway?

It is the relationship between a country on the map and its people?
Is it the languages we speak or the food we eat?
Is it our skin color or the nationality in our passport?
Is it the rules we follow or the beliefs we hold?
Is it the way we see the world?

These factors might not tell so much about culture, but actually more about the boxes we like to sort ourselves and others into and our us vs. them mentality.

So what is culture anyway?

Memories come to mind of returning to my passport country and feeling totally lost even though I looked the part and spoke the language.
That weekend so long ago when I met other third culture kids for the first time and felt at home straight away.
All the jokes you don’t have to explain.
Your story that is celebrated and accepted without questions or remarks.
That feeling of being understood even though you haven’t said a word.
So many conversations that blew my mind when people took me to places and thoughts I had never imagined.
The questions you asked and then you’d stare into the starry night sky together, wondering whether you’d ever receive an answer.
That certainty when you know that your heart and doubts and questions would be held well by those who love you still.
All those moments around a table or in the middle of nowhere when we could be our multicultural, mixed up and colorful selves.

These are my people.
This is my culture.

What is yours?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today (even on a Tuesday).
Photo Credit: Edgar Castrejon (Unsplash)

Make Your Words Count

When I was still in school, my German teacher would always tell me I didn’t write enough. While others put down eight, ten or even eighteen pages at times, I was done after three to five pages. And yet, I managed to say what I meant and was able to score good grades nevertheless.

How many words does it take to say enough?

We probably all know people in classrooms, meetings or conferences that keep on rambling even though everything important has already been in their first few sentences. They just keep repeating themselves, but more words doesn’t always mean more content.

Make your words count.

And then there are times when we just can’t say enough about something so beautiful, breathtaking, delicious, amazing. We just need ot use our words to remind ourselves and others of the wonders this world has to offer and not everything is as dark as it seems. Our words can uplift, encourage and create.

Make your words count.

And sometimes words fail us. We experience things that don’t need words. Suffering that words cannot fathom, darkness that swallows our every thought, questions too big to put into coherent sentences. All we can do is to be silent and bear witness to what is happening.

Let your Yes be a Yes and your No be a No.
Make your words count.

This is part of the Hopewriters Spring Writing Challenge. But incidentally, it also fits nicely to today’s prompt on Five Minute Friday. Come write with us!

One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Five

One thousand one hundred and thirty five.
1135 is the amount of people who went to work one morning in Dhaka/Bangladesh in April 2013 and never came back. Just like every other person, they wanted to make money to take care of they families and have a future. So they worked insane hours in the most horrible conditions and were separated from their families for many months to somehow make ends meet. They remained unseen until this day in April when their factory building collapsed and buried them under it.

Why should an incident that happened so far away from our home turf touch us?

These men and women were making clothes, shoes, bags and other kinds of accessories we enjoy buying from companies with big names. They suffered and sadly lost their lives to provide a luxury that we so often don’t even know how to handle.

This tragic incident has touched people all around the world and compelled them to take action. Things like the Fashion Revolution Week that wants to raise awareness for this issue that includes us all.
They speak about where we buy our clothes and how much we actually need.
They ask big labels to be more transparent about their production line and a look behind the scenes.
They push for legislation that is beneficial for both producer and consumer.
They help us understand the ugly truth: We are the ones who benefit from this broken system, so we are also the only ones who can change the system.

Maybe it makes you uncomfortable to think about these questions.
Maybe it takes a bit of work to do your research before you buy.
Maybe you will have to give up a bit of comfort to change the way you buy and consume.

Maybe this topic touches something inside of you that you rather stay away from.
A sense of responsibility.
A wind of change.
A nudge to action.
A step towards transformation.

That’s the day they become seen.
That’s the day their voice becomes heard.
And it should roar like a lion, demanding a change.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

There are many ways for you to participate in the Fashion Revolution Week (and beyond).
Ask the brands you wear #whomademyclothes.
Choose companies that produce ethically (a list can be found here).
Buy second-hand or go to a clothes-trade.
Think about how much you really need and treasure what you already have.

The Twist inside of Us

I sit at the table, a stack of papers in front of me. The red pen is dancing across the white sheets as I cross out something here or correct something there.
I am grading papers – one of the uncomfortable parts of my teaching job.

The more I have to tell others what they did wrong, the more I realize how twisted the mindset behind it is. We focus so much on our mistakes, call out what is not going well and complain about everything we lack. We have drilled our minds to watch out for the negative and always strive for improvement.

And while I’m not saying that we shouldn’t grow and learn and change ourselves, I wonder if this mindset tells us something about a belief we have installed in our society and allowed to trickle down into the very core of our DNA: We are not good enough. There’s always something wrong about us.

This lie has shaped our identity from early on and affects the way we perform in school, engage in our relationships, practice our faith. In this fast-paced world of ours, we only seem to matter if we become faster, better, more effective at hiding our weaknesses.

But what if we shone some truth on this lie?
What if we celebrated our strengths and put them to good use?
What if we practiced more gratitude for the many great things we’ve been given?
What if we handed out compliments instead of criticism for a change?
What if we believed in the old words of “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing”?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

The “Good Life”

How do we measure a life?
What determines the label ‘good’, ‘successful’, ‘amazing’?

The titles in front of our names?
The numbers on our bank accounts?
The mountains we have climbed in our careers?
The accomplishments we can brag about?
The size of our homes, cars, fridges?
The value of stuff we can afford?
The photos of our many glamorous vacation spots?
The relationship status?

What about the many little moments of happiness that show us what is really important?
The seemingly mundane days when we simply show up for work and are present in what we do?
The many conversations that give our soul depth and new perspective?
The valleys that have taught us growth and endurance?
The cracks in our surface that allow the light to shine through?
What about the miraculous symphony of joy and pain that make life so incredibly rich?

Maybe life isn’t supposed to be good.
Maybe it was created to be abundant.

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.
Photo Credit: Unsplash

The Reward of Letting Go

I have given you my everything
performed on big stages
attended all the must-have-been-there events
showed my face with all the right people

I have read so much about you and
was quick to give an answer
or judgment
said all the rights things and
maybe
often said too much

I have worked hard for you
exhausted myself over hours
and days
and years
not realizing that life inside of me
was
running
out

I let go of my certainties and safe answers
opened my mind to what if and maybe
fell silent when voices around me grew louder
allowed doubt to sneak in

I left behind the old trodden paths
the places that told me who I was
the world of black and white
the safe realm of knowing it all

I wondered if I had made the right choice
if returning to the old ideas would make the wilderness any more bearable
if I simply thought too much and
somehow lost myself along the way
to
find that

I have discovered infinite beauty in mundane places
the rich colors life has to offer
the depth that is born out of darkness
the light that shines through the cracks

I have inhaled the scent of freedom
the life-changing difference of must and may
the peace that is found in stillness
and an honest “I don’t know yet”

I am learning that the reward of letting go
is getting to know you all over again
falling deeper into your unfathomable vastness
only to be held by who you’ve
been all along

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.

We Need More Life in Our Days

Adulting is a funny thing. We can’t wait to be done with school, graduate from university and find our first job. We move into our first home and finally create the life we’ve always dreamed of.
And before we know it, we’re knee deep in busy work schedules, endless to-do lists, messy apartments, tired feet, complicated relationships, challenging life questions.
We try to keep up with the insane pace life seems to dictate, wondering where in the world our time has gone.

I recently had an epiphany about that.

After some very intense weeks at work, I decided life could not be this way. I had worked for school all week and prepared some more for it on the weekends. If I wasn’t too exhausted from working and worrying, I managed to squeeze some cleaning in between. Everything else – connecting with friends, reading, meeting for coffee, shopping, summer plans – had been pushed to the next school break.

Wait, what? All the things that somehow made life enjoyable and ‘normal’ would only happen every seven-eight weeks? Insane.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

Annie Dillard. The Writing Life.

Yes, there is still a lot to in my days and I can’t just drop everything and leave (and I also don’t think it should be). But I want to give my tasks the appropriate place in my week, so that I still enjoy doing them at the end of the day. I want to create rhythms, so that my days actually have more life.

Like setting time aside to answer emails and do school work. And not be bothered by it outside of these times.
Like unsubscribing from emails I don’t read anyway and rather focus on some healthy food for thought.
Like being present for the tasks and people in front of me.
Like being more conscious about what I buy and eat.
Like treating myself sometimes .
Like taking time to reflect and practice gratitude.
Like cleaning out the messy parts and making space for new thoughts and new life.
Like taking a walk after a few hours at the desk.
Like being still and resting in the peace of the Almighty.

Something fundamental had clicked inside of me: I don’t have to live that way – haunted by my lists and unfinished business. I actually have the privilege to work and create and network – all in its appropriate time.

When I told a friend about my epiphany, she just smiled and said, “You know, I’ve been watching you work and toil for months now and wondered when you’d come around.” Well, I finally did. It just takes a while to grow – especially as an adult.

Which rhythms can you create to give your days more life?

Writing for Five Minute Friday today.
Incidentally, Emily P. Freeman has just released a podcast episode on theme days on The Next Right Thing, if you’re interested! 🙂