#write31days – Page 5

[#write31days] Day 22 Boundaries at Home

Welcome to Day 22 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Saying NO to the people closest to you – your family – is probably the hardest. But saying NO doesn’t mean cutting off all ties or breaking off relationships. Setting boundaries means to change relations a little bit for the better.

Honor Your Parents but Don’t Be Your Parents
As I grow older I am especially intrigued to see how the relationships to my different family members change. My parents – the heroes who took care of me and my little world – are fellow adults with normal problems, normal jobs, and normal joys. My siblings – little kids I used to read to and feed – are now grown up with own lives, own apartments, own opinions.

Even though we have no problem living and acting as adults every day we seem to undergo a strange transformation as soon as we enter our parents’ house: we once again become children with our specific role within the family. May it be the caring eldest one, the rebellious middle-child, or the spoilt last one. I guess we can never fully escape our roles, but maybe we can learn to break free from certain limitations these roles bring.

Yes, we are supposed to honor our parents. We follow their advice while we live with them, and many times I still appreciate calling my mom about a recipe or relationship advice or doubts in my faith. Does this mean I have to do everything they say and talk to them every night? No.

Yes, we should invest in the relationship with our parents, we have the chance to gain wonderful friends with them. Does this mean I have to listen to every single problem of my parents? No.

Yes, we should love and care for our parents since they have taken care of us for a long time. Does this mean I have to be my parents’ marriage counselor and fix their relationship problems? No.

Honoring your parents can mean to say NO sometimes. Allow yourself to get some distance and love them still. Allow them to take responsibility for their lives and actions. Being there for each other does not mean taking over each other’s lives and problems.

Sometimes we also have to say NO to brothers and sisters, who expect us to solve their problems. We don’t say NO to them or our relationship. We say NO to a certain behavior that renders them helpless and us pressured.

Move Out and Move On
We are all born into families to parents and siblings we can’t choose. For a certain number of years they take care of us and teach us everything we need to know about life. But then it’s time to move out. Part of growing means cutting ties with home and creating your own home. Some can’t wait until they finally have their own place, others really struggle.

Cutting ties with home is far more than just having a new address in a different town. I guess especially as a student you feel like in between as you don’t have your own family yet, but you don’t fully belong with your parents anymore. This in-between stage somehow keeps us from becoming our own people, making our own decisions, even though they might not always be what our parents might envision.
Moving on doesn’t mean cutting all ties. We will always be connected to our family and eventually we’ll just add more people to the family by getting married and having children.
Nevertheless, we need to create a life of our own. Instead of going home every weekend we need to become comfortable in our own four walls. Make it cozy, decorate the way you want. Make it a home you enjoy coming back to.
We need to make our own decisions. We all appreciate our parents’ advice, but sometimes it’s all on us. Our names on the papers, our money at stake, our final say. Growing up comes with a lot of burdens, but also freedoms. Let’s accept both.
We need to take responsibility. Don’t cry for Mom and Dad as soon as a problem arises. Experience the joy that comes from persevering until the end and growing along the way.
I guess many of us can say that moving out has changed a lot in the relationships with home. Mostly for the better. We meet as fellow adults. Whenever we get together, we focus on the precious time, the important things, the blessings.

Of course it’s not easy saying NO to the people closest to us. We don’t want to insult or upset anyone. Yet love and care do also mean honesty and courage at times. Setting boundaries does not kill relationships, it refines and redefines them. They help us to enjoy our families again.

How about your family? Are there areas where you need to say NO to parents or to siblings? Do you have to cut some ties with your family and actually move on?

[#write31days] Day 21 Keep Your Balance

Welcome to Day 21 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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In the last twenty days we have covered what boundaries are, boundary problems we can have, and some of the lies we believe about boundaries. Now we tackle the last third of the month and will take a closer look at how we can set healthy boundaries in various areas of our lives.

As I have practiced setting a few more boundaries in my life during the last year I have found one image particularly helpful. It somehow serves as an analogy on your boundary journey.

Your Life Is Like a Bank Account

Imagine your life is a bank account.You can put money in, money that will help you buy food, pay your rent, go on vacation, buy gifts for others…

In a similar way, you can ‘put money’ in your life. Things that get you through the day, that motivate you, that strengthen you. People who encourage and challenge you, who walk with you, support you.

This can look different for everyone.
I love sleep. Every morning when I get out of bed I am already excited to go back to bed at night. Sleep is a wonderful thing, it recharges your body with energy, cures sickness, and just feels good. 🙂 So I need a lot of it.
I love people. Having conversations over coffee or dinner are my favorites. Listening to their stories of what God is doing in their lives makes me excited and immensly grateful to share in His great story. Asking questions and getting challenging answers pushes me forward in my growth journey.
And I love serving others, investing my time and thoughts into their lives, giving advice and seeing someone thrive is a blessing you can’t get anywhere else. Giving someone the gift of your time or an unexpected surprise is an even greater gift to me.
But I also like to withdraw. Sometimes I just want to be alone with nothing much going on. I just want to be and remind myself that I don’t always have to do.
I need music in my life. If I don’t listen to it somewhere you’ll definitely hear me humming a tune. Sitting down at the piano and playing just for fun helps me express my feelings. Sometimes it’s soft melodies, sometimes it sounds more like I’m beating the poor thing.
I love to read. Diving into a thick novel and into a completely different world created by a genius human being. I need God’s word reverberating in my life and soul as I take a walk or simply go about my day. Knowing His presence won’t ever leave me fills me with peace beyond understanding.

Doing these things, being with these people ‘puts money’ into my life account. They refresh me, restore me, build me up, keep me going forward.

In order to buy food and clothes and pay rent and whatnot, you need to withdraw money from your bank account. This is a natural thing, we do it every day.
Unless we live in a cave all by ourselves without a job and any human interaction, living life withdraws something from our life account.
It takes our physical energy to go to work and run around all day. Sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less. But you definitely know you’ve done your days work when you fall into bed at night with heavy feet.
It takes our mental energy to plan our days and weeks and make time for everything. Of course there are things like work and meetings and church. Appointments we can’t really cancel. And of course, there are friends we want to meet, go to the gym, do another hobby…But do we plan time for yourself? Do we actually pencil ‘relax and do nothing’ into your calendar? Do we try to go to bed early and have enough sleep every night or do we stay up because there’s always more to do?
It takes our emotional energy to engage with people. As I said earlier, I am a people person. And yet, somewhere in the last two years I have learned that it’s hard work to be with people.
Getting to know them and asking the small talk question is hard.
Waiting patiently until they are willing to go deeper is exhausting. Listening carefully to someone while your mind is tempted to drift off is a tough discipline to manage.
Investing in people and relationships means giving away your time, your thoughts, your love – a bit of yourself.

Putting money in and withdrawing money from our bank account is a natural thing, we do it all the time. And normally, we don’t really think about it.
Until there’s nothing left.
Someone who has no money in his account will dread a visit to the bank because he can’t take anything out. Someone who doesn’t care and goes way over his limit will eventually drown in debt.

Giving away our energy and receiving some along the way is also a natural thing. Normally, we don’t really think about it.
Until our account is out of balance.
When we take more from others than we’re supposed to, we’ll get too comfortable, proud, and content with ourselves. Our account is about to burst and no one will share our blessings. When we withdraw more than we have, give away more time, thought, and energy than we actually have, we will break down and eventually be bankrupt. In psychological terms, you call this a burnout.
This is the time to set boundaries.

Think about your own ‘life account’. What are the things and people that ‘put money’ in? What are the things and people that ‘withdraw money’? Is your life balanced or are you heading towards bankruptcy?

[#write31days] Day 20 “I Am Selfish”

Welcome to Day 20 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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As good and hard-working people and friends we obviously want to do our jobs well and be there for our friends. Our Christian faith commands us to love others – isn’t it egoistic to set boundaries then?

Lie #4: Setting Boundaries is unbiblical and selfish
If you talk to non-Christian friends around you what Christianity is all about they’ll probably give you one word: love. Probably one of the most overused and yet underrated words in your society, bashed in media and politics. “Those Christians” are supposed to love everyone.
If you go to church on Sunday or listen closely to sermons and Christian songs; if you browse Christian media you’ll find one slogan: We must love each other because we’ve been loved first. The brothers and sisters in our congregations, the people in our neighborhoods, the refugees flooding our countries – they all deserve our attention and help. In the Bible we can read to bear each other’s burdens, to love others like we love ourselves, so let’s do that.

These are the voices we hear around us. We’re supposed to love, care, and bear – so what if we want to set boundaries? How about that other voice saying “You can’t set boundaries. Saying NO is not biblical, it’s just a selfish move. You choose to care more about yourself than to love others.”
What do we do with these voices? Are the boundaries we set selfish and unbiblical?

I believe the Bible is true, love is the key.
Often underrated in its original form, it can truly make a difference. Love is the thing that can set us apart, that can turn lives around, that can shine light into the darkness.
I also believe that our love’s supposed to be practical. Let’s support each other by listening, helping out, spending time and effort on those in need. Acting out love speaks louder than our words.

But the same Bible that commands us to love also talks about protection.

Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23

Taking care of others, loving them unconditionally, bearing their burdens is an act of life. A helping hand is life-giving to someone else. But we’re only able to share life with all its joys and hopes when we have enough life left to give.

Imagine a basin full of water, a reservoir to provide and nourish many. But just one small leak can turn it all around. The life-giving water is running out, and eventually the abundance that was once there is gone. An empty basin can support and help no one.
You’re a basin filled with with life and many good things. You’re supposed to give and love others. But you need to protect yourself from any leaks that could come from busyness, false beliefs, pushy and demanding people.
Closing yourself off once in a while is only selfish if you choose to remain in that comfort zone, if you hide the treasures you’ve been given to share.
Withdrawing into the safety of saying NO sometimes is a necessary step to protect and recharge the abundance inside of you. Well-nourished souls will always come back stronger, more alive and more passionate to share than those running on mere reserves.

Another trap is the word “care” in itself. What does it mean to care for someone else, to love someone else?
Yes, often it means getting your hands dirty, giving someone practical help. Yes, sometimes it means taking on more work than usual to give someone relief.
Taking care does not mean taking responsibility for everything and everyone. Caring too much will ultimately not help the other person, but keep them from maturing and acting responsibly themselves. Saying NO is therefore not an act of selfish egoism, but rather a step to teach others how to be responsible. One step at a time. One NO at a time.

Is the thought of selfishness familiar to you? Where do you give more than you’re actually able to? To which people do you have to say NO in order to teach them maturity?

[#write31days] Day 19 “I Don’t Want to Drive Others Away”

Welcome to Day 19 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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The problem with setting healthy boundaries, is not always connected to the work or the lack of rest – if we’re really honest and take a closer look at our heart we find a fear that drives us to never say no and just keep going.

Lie #3: My No will drive away friends, spouses, or colleagues
In the course of the last year I have practiced to say NO a bit more often.
NO to extra assignments and responsibilities.
NO to jumping on every band wagon and event.
NO to people wanting my help, my time, my effort, my creativity, my emotions.
This wasn’t an easy process.

One of the strongest forces holding me back from setting boundaries was that voice inside of me, telling me:
“If you say NO now, people won’t like you anymore.
If you no longer invest in this friendship it’ll break apart and friends will turn their backs on you.
If you cut back on your time in church, at work or other ministries, no one will ever ask you for a leadership role ever again. They’ll find people better than you and you can’t return in the future.”

Thoughts like this kept me going for a long time, but the last year has taught me that I couldn’t just go on. So I had to take a step back and dig deeper. Why did I allow these lies settle in my heart and mind?

Behind the concern for a project or other people lies fear.
Fear to be rejected by others because I can’t give anything at the moment.
Fear to be replaced by other skilled people and losing a place of passion and influence.
Fear to be abandoned by friends when you need them the most ebcause you’re at the receiving end of a friendship for once.

And underneath is an even deeper fear.
Fear of losing my identity, the definition of who I am.

The reason why I fear rejection, replacement, and abandonment is definition gone wrong. A certain position in a ministry, a place and work I’m good at tell me who I am. I can’t deny that it’s flattering to receive compliments for my work at x or my talent in y. It feels encouraging and uplifting to be good at something. We all need a bit of appreciation once in a while, but if we don’t pay attention – if we don’t set good boundaries – the chase for appreciation will define and drive us to a wrong end.
A certain intimacy and dependency are a necessary foundation for any relationship. It requires effort, initiative, and investment. Things we’re willing to give and receive for people we love and care about. Ultimately, however, no matter how close a bond is – these people don’t define who we are. And nothing we do (or don’t do) should change our status in this relationship. Or as my friend Liz once said:

We are human beings, not human doings.

This is not to say that life can be rough and relationships can look like abattlefield. And yes, sometimes friendships break apart and we’re left alone.
But who we are deep down inside, away from anyone else, has been defined a long time before you ever had any human contact.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

When we hear this voice inside us trying to hold us back from setting boundaries, we need to look deeper.
We need to examine and ask ourselves: What is the real fear behind it? Who or what do I allow to define who I am?

God is a good person to talk to, he is our creator and knows who he made us to be. So let’s be brave and face our fears, admit where our definition has gone wrong. And then allow His truth to illuminate our darkness and replace the lies buried inside of us.

Who or what defines you? Where have definitions gone wrong and you need to address deeper fears?
Take some time to ponder these questions together with God.

[#write31days] Day 18 Sabbath

Welcome to Day 18 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Setting healthy boundaries also means taking care of yourself. This also includes taking time off, making time for the things you enjoy. Things that restore your soul.
Luckily, God has set an entire day aside just for us. A whole day with lots of time to spend with Him, refresh our spirits in His presence, relax and restore. Restoration looks different for everyone; it’s just important that you find something that gives you energy, joy, and peace.
One thing that restores me is cooking. During the week it’s mostly just quick and simple, but on Sabbath I actually take time to find a cool recipe (or tweek with an old one), invest time in the kitchen, and have people around me to enjoy it with. So the Sundays of October will be filled with recipes – and if you enjoy cooking, too you might want to cook along! And if not, just give it a try, you might actually like it!

Salmon Avocado Pasta

Ingredients for four people
4 salmons, washed
500 g Spaghetti
2 avocados
1 tomato
1 onion
1 clove of garlic
2 tsp white yoghurt
parmesan
salt, pepper, chili

boil the spaghetti in lightly salted water
season the salmon with salt, pepper, and chili (you can always add herbs if you feel like it)
fry the salmon pieces with butter/oil in a pan until soft and well-done

carve out the avocados, mash them
cut tomato and onion into tiny chunks and add them to the avocado
crush garlic and add to the mixture
add yoghurt and season with salt and pepper

arrange everything on a plate and sprinkle it with parmesan
serve with white wine

[#write31days] Day 17 “Work First, Rest Later”

Welcome to Day 17 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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On Thursday we talked about a lie that often keeps us from setting healthy boundaries. Today, we’ll look at another popular example.

Lie #2: Work First, Rest Later”
I am writing this post on a Saturday, weekend. A full week of work is behind me, and as I look at my apartment, there’s even more waiting for me. It seems like a battle is going on in my mind:
“Come on, it’s the weekend. Rest a bit.” – “But look at all the work, when else do I have time to do housework, clean, stow things away?”
“There’s always time for this, but this time is not now. Now you’ll relax and do something fun, then you can always work later on.” – No, let me first file these papers and do a bit of cleaning, then I can sit down.”
This happens several days per week, so this post is definitely for me. 🙂

I don’t advocate a “do nothing” attitude here. There is a time when you need to pull through and work; leaving things unfinished isn’t a good virtue either. Nevertheless, the “work first, rest later” argument is dangerous. Why? Because work never ends. There’s always more. Something small, something urgent. It never ends.
Why are we so inclined to use the THEN, LATER lie so often?

Rest is for lazy people
This used to be a saying older people would tell younger ones when they struggled at work or wanted to give in. People who had grown up after the war had to rebuild their homes they could then relax in. As long as they were able and fit they would work, work, work. At a factory Monday to Friday, in their gardens or at their house during the weekend. Rest was something they didn’t really know, and maybe weren’t even allowed to long for.
In Southern Germany where I live, especially, rest seems to carry a negative connotation.
Rest is for quitters. For people who can’t go til the end. For lazy ones who can’t persevere. For weak ones who don’t have what it takes.
This attitude is somehow instilled in us Germans, without any formal or conscious teaching. Social conventions are embedded deeply in our genes and lifestyles. And somehow this old saying and attitude has taken over the lives of managers, office workers, business people. Yes, even ‘ordinary’ people like you and me.
Rest is for the weak and the lazy. And we don’t want to be called that, right? So we better work, work, work.

Interestingly, if you ask older people for advice what they would do differently in their lives, they say, “Don’t take work so seriously. Take a break and truly rest once in a while.” Our world is really upside down…

I can’t enjoy rest when work is still ahead of me
I always admire people who seem to have a special gift: they can turn their backs on work and simply look the other way. As if they were blind and work did not exist. Then they sit down and relax.
I am not one of these people.
I come home, and not matter how determined I am to sit down and rest – I just can’t. I see files to be stowed away, the dirty floor to be cleaned, laundry to be folded, emails to be written, calls to make.
There’s just so much more work ahead of me! As long as my to do list is full I can’t sit back and relax. My mind would not be able to shut down because all my thoughts would revolve around the things I still have to do. I would not be able to stop planning, thinking, and worrying.
The false conclusion I often draw from this, however, is to finish all my work first before I give myself some rest.
This doesn’t happen often because, as I said, when does work ever end?
If we don’t practice shutting off our minds and hearts once in a while we’ll never find true rest.

Too exhausted to rest
For a while we might be able to keep going, and rest ahead of us motivates us and pushes us forward.
But only for a while.
If we keep going and going, if we don’t stop working and thinking and worrying – we won’t find rest in the end.
We’ll run out of energy and joy and love, we’ll burn out of passion and fire for what we do, and we will be too exhausted for rest.
We won’t know anymore what it means to rest, to refresh our soul with living water, to refill our mind with life-giving thoughts, to recharge our bodies with supernatural strength.
Let’s not push til the very end, until we break down. Let’s have breaks in between, like a well in the desert, like a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Times and places that will help us recharge and refocus for the next step ahead.

Do you rest even though there’s still so much work to be done? What keeps you from letting work be for a while and rest for a bit?

[#write31days] Day 16 Green

Welcome to Day 16 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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It’s also Friday today, so I am linking up with my friends at Five Minute Friday.

These last two weeks have been extremely busy for me. Getting up way too early in the morning, running around all day, falling into bed at night, totally exhausted. My work is not physically heavy, yet it takes a lot of energy. Assignments to hand in, lessons to plan, talks with students, meetings with colleagues…there’s not much time left and a casual date with a friend suddenly becomes a big deal.

Isn’t life crazy sometimes?
These weeks when we feel it has ropes tied around us and pulls from all sides at the same time?
We can’t help but feel torn.
And incredibly overwhelmed.
In doubt that we can do it all, that we will ever manage, that we are good enough.

When we are trapped in this ‘prison of busyness’ we need to get out.
No, I don’t mean leave everything behind. Often we can’t change all at once.
But little breaks here and there.
An hour where work is not allowed to bother us.
A nap in the middle of the day to refresh us.
A book that will direct our thoughts to another world.

A walk in the woods, leaving the confinements of our own four walls and experiencing the vast beauty of nature. Breaking out of our small headspace to discover there’s so much more. Exchanging the dull gray colors of our daily lives for a whole array of green, yellow, and orange. Woods in the fall are magnificent!
Whenever I take a walk there, things suddenly fall into place.
I look at the trees and they seem to be telling me, “Don’t worry about today or tomorrow. We have been here long before yesterday, we’ve seen it all. And yet we are still here. And so will you.”
Taking a break doesn’t have to be much.
Just do something to expand your view and redirect your focus to the really important things from time to time.

[#write31days] Day 15 “There’s No One Else”

Welcome to Day 15 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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It’s the middle of the month and you might say: “Okay, I’ve heard a lot about boundary problems, I know why they are so important. I get it. But why is it still so hard to set boundaries?”
Good question. So let’s have a look at some of the lies in our heads that keep us from setting good boundaries.

Lie #1: There’s No One Else
I like to observe people, especially when they’re in bigger groups. Without even being aware of it, we all fall into specific roles. There are special groups dynamics and scenarios that seem to happen again and again.

Good work ethic and honesty is good. Being there for friends when they’re lonely is good. But there is a point of too much. There’s a point when we fall into the “no one else” trap.

The overly responsible
Imagine a pile of work waiting to be completed and taken away. Maybe even some uncomfortable task. We all stare at each other, hoping someone will break before us and do the job already. We see others walking away pretending not to care (or maybe not pretending at all) and find ourselves left with this pile of work in front of us.
What do we do?
If you’re the overly responsible you will be the one staying late and doing the job. You feel like you can’t let your boss down and somehow the work needs to be done. No one wants to come back on Monday and see that pile of work waiting. And since all the others went home already, you’re the lucky one. It will be just this one time…maybe you’ve said this a lot of times already.

You don’t even have to leave your own house to find these dynamics. Who is the one cleaning the kitchen at night while the others watch TV? Who picks up the vacumer on Saturday because the apartment looks just too messy? Everyone in the family wants to have clean rooms, washed clothes, or food on the table, but not every one really feels responsible for it.
And so you work, and work, and don’t stop because someone has to do it.

We often associate this position with mothers, and mostly it’s true. But it can also relate to everyone else, we take patterns we learn at home with us. Patterns and roles we take on at work, with friends, with ourselves.

And don’t we all have these experiences with friends or family members? “We need to hang out, I haven’t seen you in ages.”
“I need to talk to you because I can’t talk to anyone else.”
“If you don’t hang out with me I am all by myself and feel lonely.”
I can’t deny that I love good conversations, heart-to-heart with friends. I like to be there for friends and catch up after a while. And yes, it does sometimes feel good to be the go-to person for someone. The talk-to person, the good confidante.
But this can easily become a burden when you allow someone to completely rely on you. Instead of taking responsibility for themselves, your friends (or family members) let you carry them.
So you carry and you struggle with someone else’s problems because they have no one else. Apparently. Our extreme responsibility will tie us to others instead of teaching them to be responsible themselves.

The overly self-confident
Sometimes it is also ourselves keeping us from setting boundaries. We can’t let go of something because we think we’re the only ones good at it.

“If I leave now everything will fall apart. All this hard work I did over the years will not continue because no one but me can really do the job.”

This might be true. We are all unique, we’ve all been given unique gifts and talents. We’re all called to serve God and others with them.

Some use their talents more, others less. Some seem to be allrounders and these people are great to have at work or at church. But it can also be really hard because talent can get into your head. “I’m good at something” can also lead to “I’m the best at something”. Once you start using the perfectionist measuring tape no one else can measure up.
I have to admit that I’ve caught myself in these thoughts sometimes. Striving for excellence is a good virtue, judging others from your high horse of perfectionism is not. Not just because it’s not my position to judge, but because I lost sight of the origin. I don’t use my talent anymore to serve others, I draw attention, appreciation and maybe even self-worth from it. This won’t serve anyone but my ego.
I can’t go on forever, there’s a time for everything. So when I leave someone else will take over. And yes, they will do it differently because they are different. Will they be better or worse than me? Not important, it will be different.

What is your attitude? Can you stop working even though there’s still a lot to do? Can you let go of something you’re really good at?

[#write31days] Day 14 Biblical Boundaries

Welcome to Day 14 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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We have talked about boundaries found in nature and in ourselves, but there’s one more source to look for boundary foundations: the Bible speaks a lot about freedom and grace and love for each other – this does not exclude boundaries, however. It actually recommends them.

God and Boundaries
Something that many people really have a hard time wrapping their mind around is God as trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. They are one, and yet they are three. Each of them has unique characteristics and features. The Father as creator and provider. The Son as savior and friend. The Spirit as counselor and encourager. They are all one, and yet there are clear boundaries. Weird concept, I know, but it shows that boundaries are not unfamilar in the spiritual realm.

In fact, God himself has set boundaries in nature. We find it in the creation stories and verses such as these:

Do you not fear me? declares the Lord. Do you not tremble before me? I placed the sand as the boundary for the sea, a perpetual barrier that it cannot pass; though the waves toss, they cannot prevail; though they roar, they cannot pass over it. Jeremiah 5:22

He has inscribed a circle on the face of the waters at the boundary between light and darkness. Job 26:10

We need boundaries in nature, otherwise we would constantly live in darkness (and who wouldn’t want to have these breathtaking sunrises and sunsets!). The land we live on would be swamp and our houses would sit on very shaky ground.
Certain boundaries secure and enable a safe life.

Whenever God sets boundaries he has good intentions for this place. A set apart place is where inheritance falls and prospers.

Thus says the Lord God: “This is the boundary by which you shall divide the land for inheritance among the twelve tribes of Israel. Ezekiel 47:13

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

We will only see inheritance prosper if we set good boundaries. Not to close others off, but to protect our treasures. The treasures God has given us as our inheritance.

Take Care
We often consider ‘inheritance’ a physical thing – a piece of land, money etc. But especially the New Testament uses ‘inheritance’ in a different context. We as believers are promised eternal life with Christ, and parts of it are available now. Life with Christ is a life of abundance, of peace, of joy.
Faith is a gift, new abundant life is a gift. But we still need to use all our awareness and effort to protect it. Take care of that new life that’s been planted inside you.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7

Taking care of our hearts, guarding our minds is not just an option – the bible tells us it’s essential. Keeping the life – the abundance – alive in us will revive everything else; letting it flow out will eventually dry up our strength, our energy, our motivation, our joy, our sense of self.

Take (No) Responsibility
This might sound awfully selfish in some people’s ears – isn’t the main message of Christianity to love others?
Yes, we have been loved from the very beginning, through all our failures, and until the very end. Because of this love we’re called to love others, especially when it’s hard. How does that look like in practice?

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

We can show love very practically by carrying each other. Being there for each other, listening to someone’s stories. Crying with the sad, celebrating with the happy. Lifting each other up in prayer when you’re too weak to pray.
We can help each other out, cooking dinner when someone’s busy working. Moving boxes all around town when you have to change houses. Driving cross-country because someone just needs a friend.
We can only make it all the way if we walk together.

Yet, only three verses later Paul says this:

For each will have to bear his own load. Galatians 6:5

Carrying each other doesn’t mean to simply drop off all our cares with someone else. I can’t just let go because someone else will do everything for me. I can’t take all the blame because a friend refuses to take responsibility for him/herself.
Growing up ultimately is about taking responsibility for yourself and forcing others to do the same. Finding the balance between persevering to the end and allowing others to help might be one of the hardest exercises in the course of life.

Take some time to re-read these pieces of scripture in their contexts. Thank God for setting boundaries in nature and in your life. Allow him to show you where you still need to take care and responsibility of yourself and less of others.

[#write31days] Day 13 Physical Boundaries

Welcome to Day 13 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Nature has not only defined boundaries around us, our bodies are created with boundaries as well. From every hair on our head to our skin to our organs – everything has its specific order and serves a specific purpose. One. purpose. Not anyone else’s.

Early Childhood Development
We mostly complain about a lack of or the wrong kinds of boundaries as adults, but boundary foundations are actually laid at a very early age. Researchers and psychologists have made interesting discoveries when looking at how the relationship between an infant and its mother develops.
The first stage is all about close bonding. Babies know their mother really well; her smell, the sound of her voice, the shape of her face. Whenever she moves away from them they start crying. They feel insecure and lost. Why? Because they have no sense of self yet, they believe that mommy and them is one person (emotional object constancy).

It is essential for infants to experience this close bonding, the love and care of a mother. They learn to feel safe and rooted in a loving and caring environment, an unbeatable foundation for their soul and spirit.

Within the first year of life a change happens; some parents are surprised and shocked by it, when their cute and cuddling baby suddenly rebels and wants to get away from this close bond. Once again, it is important for parents to realize how necessary this step is for a child’s development. Every child needs to gain more independence and autonomy. The only way to do that is to separate and individualize. Mommy and baby are no longer the same, they are actually two independent individuals.

You can’t have “me” until you first have a “not-me”.
Cloud&Townsend. Boundaries.

I find it particular that the journey to your self and who you ARE goes via who you AREN’T. Children who never took that step to separate and explore their individual identity will struggle with setting boundaries as adults. Parents who don’t release their children to a certain extent will have trouble with respecting other people’s boundaries.
Separation and individualization leads to experimentation. Toddlers (and teenagers later on) are driven by energy to explore the world. They often believe: I can do anything! This is perfectly okay because it will allow them to take risks, not shy away from challenges, and ultimately grow. Even as adults we need to experience this feeling once in a while. Nevertheless, the counterpart is just as important. Some have to learn it the hard way: I can’t do everything! And this is okay, too because somewhere along the way we’ll hopefully find our place. We’ll learn to maximize our strengths and say YES to good challenges, but also to accept our weaknesses and say NO to overburdening ourselves with the wrong tasks.

Our Body’s Radar
I find it amazing how our body has been created with a natural sense of boundaries. Just look at your skin. It protects the underlying layers of skin and organs from damage. It serves as a boundary to dirt from the outside and exchange point for bodily fluids. It keeps the good inside and the bad outside.
Without any kind of training we have a sense of space, how close someone else is allowed to get to us. Normally we are not aware of this unless someone violates our personal space. A stranger coming closer than one meter is intimidating. He enters a space he doesn’t belong. It feels like he’s getting hold of us – our body, our soul, our mind – without even touching us. A group of people can be overwhelming at times because our personal space is taken away from us. These instincts most times are no sign of claustrophobia, they are our natural boundaries and protect our body with all its different layers.

These natural boundaries are a gift and we should appreciate them, especially when we think how easily this gift can be taken away. Victims of abuse and rape often suffer from a loss of boundaries. Of course, there’s physical harm, but the emotional damage is even greater: someone has violated your personal space, has overstepped your boundaries without permission, has taken something away without every giving it back.

Our physical boundaries are a gift and we should learn to appreciate and use them well.

Think about your own development for a moment: Have you ever thought about who you ARE and who you AREN’T?
What is your personal space? How close are people allowed to come, what is too close for you?