Category: Writing

[31 Days] Day 29 Roots

 

It’s Day 29 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!
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Roots. 
Short and weak at first, looking for some ground to be planted in, to be nurtured in.
Roots. 
Growing strong and deep with time, digging themselves deep into the ground, spreading out, building a firm foundation underground for whatever is seen above the ground.

Roots being pulled and replanted into a different soil and the whole process begins anew. By the time these roots have found some ground and planted themselves again, they are uprooted again. 


The image of roots and the feeling of rootedness is powerful in a TCK life. 
It can be quite nice to have versatile roots – you don’t cling to unnecessary things or places, you can just move and experience new great things.

It can also be very hard, though. 
Not having firm roots often makes me feel like having no foundation. 
My roots have been planted in so many soils, but do they hold me? 
Whenever I am re-planted people just see what’s above the ground. But they don’t see where I’m coming from, they don’t know my life stories, my childhood dreams, my roots.  Do I belong even though I haven’t always been around?

We’ve talked quite a bit in this space about the feeling of restlessness and rootlessness so many TCKs experience. It’s not just a current research topic, it’s connected to so many personal stories of friends or my own. 
As some of you may have heard, I graduated from university last week. What this was and is like I will be writing about after the end of this series. But now it’s time to enter the next phase of life, which is not as easy at it seems.

After years of moving around, never staying in a place for more than five years I find in myself a desire to stay. 

To not pack my bags in a while but actually decorate my room. 
To set my roots down and see what happens. 
To invest in the people I am surrounded with and experience friendships that don’t depend on Skype and time zones.

I have talked to quite a few TCK friends lately and they said similar things. 
And together we wondered about ourselves and this feeling. 

Because we are not supposed to feel like it. 

A certain restlessness seems to be engraved in our genes and we are driven to move on. So what is this sudden change of heart? 
Are we just getting older? 
Or are we simply discovering a deeper desire to belong inside of us?

We have to understand that our past doesn’t have to dictate our future. 
Enjoying the present doesn’t mean we condemn the past. 
 
So if we discover this longing inside of us, if we decide to take this bold step and put our roots down for a while – it doesn’t mean that we cut off the parts of the root that have been grown in other wonderful places. 
 
These experiences shaped, strengthened and colored our roots – and it might be time to plant a bit of that in this one place for the moment. 
If we allow our roots to settle down for a while we will experience a bit of that rest we’ve been longing for all along. 
Firm roots will allow our flowers to bloom. 

 

[31 Days] Day 28 Expect

It’s Day 28 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!
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I came home from a year in South Africa being in love with the country and its people. The goodbye was incredibly hard and the re-entry to Germany was, too. 
I settled back into life, began university, started making new friends. 
But this deep longing and feeling of homesickness were my constant companion.

A few months later I had my debrief with the mission agency and they told me that for various reasons I would have the chance to go back for a short time. What a game changer! The summer semester couldn’t go by faster as my eyes and heart were set on July 29th, departure for my second home South Africa. 

A week before I left I had dinner with a few friends; we sat outside in the summer night and talked about my trip. And then one friend asked: 

What do you expect of this trip? 

This question stuck with me during my trip, which turned out to be different than I expected. 
Did I go back to cure my homesickness? 
Did I expect I would go back and everything would be alright again? 
Did I expect time would have stopped and I could just continue where I had left things? 


It was a bit of a homecoming. 
Flying into Johannesburg and driving to the farm from the airport felt so familiar. 
I recognized houses, towns, shops. 
Seeing “my” town again made my heart leap. 
And holding dear friends in my arms again felt a bit like healing. 
So yes, a bit of my homesickness was stilled, at least for two months. 

It was also a bit like a revelation. 
A shattering of expectations. 
The bubble of nostalgic idealization burst and I was left with reality. 
Things had changed, people had left and the perfect community we had had a year before did no longer exist. 
The people had made the experience so unique, and without them I couldn’t just simply replicate it. 
Things that had bothered me in the first year were still there, and I wondered how I could’ve idealized them, too. 

So no, my expectations were shattered. But in a positive way. 
When I returned to Germany the second time I knew a little bit better how to handle my homesickness. 
I still missed friends and certain things deeply, and they will always be close to my heart. However, I don’t give in to nostalgic longing for things anymore that are more of a burden than a blessing. 
My expectations were refined. 

For those of you who returned “home”, what were your expectations and experiences? 


[31 Days] Day 27 Visit

It’s Day 27 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!


Today I am very honored to introduce my last guest blogger to you. We have never met in person, but I follow her blog which always encourages me. A TCK herself and mom to TCKs, Marilyn just has so much wisdom and expertise which she knows how to put into touching and powerful words. Marilyn writes at her own blog Communicating Across Boundaries, but I am incredibly blessed to have her over at my small place today. When I read her post for the first time it deeply resonated with me, and I hope you’ll enjoy it, too. Thank you so much, Marilyn, for your wisdom! Please read more about her at the 
end of the post. 
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“So – are you visiting?”

The question took me completely by surprise. 
We had returned to Cairo for our first trip two years after leaving. 
Cairo had been our home for seven years.

photo credit: Marilyn Gardner

It was in Cairo that we had watched three of our five children take their first steps. 
It was in Cairo where our youngest two were born, three years apart. 
It was our community in this city that had loved us and cared for us through pregnancies and sickness; through post-delivery chaos and family crises; and through packing up and leaving when the time came. 
The apartment we lived in still had markings of our children’s measurements on the doorpost. We had seen these just a day before while with our friends.


Cairo had been home for a long time and it broke our hearts to leave. 
We said goodbye to all those things we loved so deeply. 
Rides in huge, wooden boats called feluccas on the Nile River; Egyptian lentils (Kosherie) with the spicy tomato sauce and crispy fried onions to top it off; friendships that had been forged through hours of talking and doing life together; a church that was one of a kind with people from all over the world.

So when the woman asked me the question I didn’t know what to say. 
A lump came into my throat and I willed myself to hold back the tears.
“Yes. Yes – we are visiting.” Pause “We used to live here…..” my voice trailed off.

The words ‘Visit’ and ‘Live’ are worlds apart. 
Visit means stranger, tourist, one who goes and stays in a place for a “short time.” 
The dictionary definition is clear on this. 
It goes on to add “for purposes of sociability, business, politeness, curiousity…”

By contrast, the word live means “to dwell, to stay as a permanent resident.”
It was like being slapped on the face by someone you trust. 
We were no longer permanent residents in Cairo, Egypt. 
Our visas, stamped into our blue passports, no longer gave us legal resident status. Instead, they gave us only temporary permission to be in the country. 
We did not have permission to dwell, to live, to work. 
We only had permission to stay for a short time – to ‘visit.’

The grief that washed over me was acute and I wanted to bury myself in it. 
I wanted to be able to grieve with abandon, to cry the tears I had wanted to cry since leaving two years prior. 
I wanted to cry tears that would water the dusty ground that surrounded me, ground that had not seen water for a long time. 
But I couldn’t. 
Because indulging in the grief at that moment would have taken me away from the place that I loved, the people that I loved.

When a third culture kid suddenly finds himself or herself a stranger, a visitor in a land they once claimed the grief is acute and necessary. 
And there is no way around but through. 
Trying to avoid the reality is not helpful. 

But this I know: More difficult than a visit would have been no visit at all, far harder than facing my current reality would have been dreaming a dream in a country far removed and never getting to experience this beloved place again. 
So I held in the grief until a better time, swallowed hard, and went on my way.

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Marilyn Gardner is an adult third culture kid who grew up in Pakistan and raised her own third culture kids in Cairo, Egypt before moving to the United States. She is author of the recently released book Between Worlds: Essays on Culture and Belonging available now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Powell Books. 

[31 Days] Day 26 Read

 It’s Day 26 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!
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We are almost at the end of the October series, I can’t believe how fast time flew by! 
I am glad we got to share so many features of the TCK life, the blessings and the challenges. You might have read along as a TCK, an ATCK, a TCK parent or caregiver, or just someone who’s interested in this subject. And now your head is spinning with lots of new information and you want to know more on a specific subject or give help.

So I thought I would give you a list of resources that I have come to enjoy and use. Of course there is so much more out there and I would love to hear any additions you have!
Book: Third Culture Kids/Growing Up Among Worlds – Dave Pollock& Ruth van Reken
I had heard so much about this book, many people called it the TCK bible, so I didn’t want to read what everybody read. J It took me eight years after my return to Germany and going to South Africa until I picked up that book and was overwhelmed! It was like someone finally explained myself, I didn’t feel strange and alone anymore. Finally there was a explanation for everything. I have come to appreciate the book so much because it’s a good basis to start more detailed research, it also gives first ideas on how to help. Plus, Ruth is amazing! Met her at a conference last year and she was the sweetest person – so knowledgeable and wise, yet also really funny and with a big heart for people and some good jokes.



Book: Between World/Essays on Culture and Belonging – Marilyn Gardner
Marilyn is the author of the “Communicating Across Boundaries” blog and has a fantastic way to put feelings and concepts into words. You can read some of this on the blog tomorrow! She now has published a collection of her essays in a book; unfortunately, I was so buried in schoolwork that I didn’t have the time to read it yet. But I have only heard the best things about it! So if you’re looking for essays on different TCK issues you might be interested in this book.

Magazine: Among Worlds
This magazine normally features articles on all kinds of TCK issues, from education to family dynamics to furlough to re-entry. It’s a great way to hear different voices on issues and see what’s going on in the TCK world!
Blog: Communicating Across Boundaries
This blog, hosted by Marilyn Gardner, is a fantastic piece of the internet! There are posts on Mariyln’s own TCK journey, issues that TCKs might struggle with, as well as other topics on faith and culture. It is a great place to get in touch with other TCK writers or TCKs who share their experiences, almost every post entails a long discussion. J Come join us!

Blog: A Life Overseas
A collaborative blog with contributors from different countries and backgrounds. Not only for TCKs, but also families, mothers, singles…living abroad.

Website: Euro TCK
Euro TCK is the European umbrella for various TCK organizations in European countries. The website provides resources and general information. It also is the host for the Euro TCK conferences every three years. The next conference is planned for 2017! So if you’re an ATCK or a TCK caregiver wanting to learn more, come and join us!
Website: MK Planet
A website and forum to connect American TCKs. Many topics are US specific, but most of the information can be applied all around the world. I find it always very interesting to meet TCKs and researchers from other countries and see what they’re dealing with at the moment.
Germany Specific: CCK-Net
On our TCK re-entry camps we realized that help has to go so much further than a weekend twice a year. What about all those TCKs that feel they have settled in Germany  (so don’t need the camps anymore), but still want to keep in touch with other TCKs?
This is why we founded CCK-Net. It is a database, which tries to connect TCKs all around Germany (some also in Austria and Switzerland). You can sign up for the database if you’re new in Germany (or move to another city) and want to meet other TCKs. You can also sign up if you need help with specific re-entry issues (like riding the train, understanding German youth culture…). We have all ages and want to provide a bit of community. Would love to see YOU there!

Germany Specific: MK-Care
MK-Care is the umbrella organization for different TCK ministries in Germany. They host the different camps for TCKs, such as re-entry, Kid’s Camp, or retreats for adults. It also provides  TCK literature, or advice on education. MK-Care wants to help TCKs, parents, mission agencies, or churches.
What other resources do you want to add or recommend? Would love to hear from you!

[31 Days] Day 25 Look

It’s Day 25 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

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When I graduated from high school I knew I wanted to go abroad again. 
I wasn’t really sure what to study and somehow the wide world out there seemed to draw me so much more than a German university. 
While I was looking for offers and countries to go I received an email from a friend in Uganda: “We’re short staffed in the rehabilitation center at the moment and could really need some help. We are too stressed out to introduce someone completely new to the work, so it would be great to have someone who knows the culture, the language, the people, and the work. Why don’t you come back?” 

There it was. 
The door I had waited to open for years. 
The door I had been pounding on in dark phases of homesickness, yearning to go back to Uganda.

But now it was different. 
I didn’t want to go back. 
Being so close to going “home” and living the dream all over again seemed scary and overwhelming out of a sudden. 

You want to know why? 
Well, back then I guess I couldn’t really explain it. 
Now I have studied quite a bit, grown a bit older, and wrote my MA thesis on nostalgia. Looking back at past times, homes, friends…and leaving them there. 
Saving a frozen perfect image of the past in your head, holding it close to your heart to warm yourself whenever the seemingly cold present seems to strangle you. 

So when I look back I see the green nature surrounding our house. 
The endless trips we took into the rain forest. 
I hear the laughter of my friends. 
I remember being happy.

Of course I was. 
But my heart seems to leave out the moments of loneliness and despair. 
It doesn’t remember the spiders and roaches, the power cuts, or any other negative memory. 
Nostalgic looking back is filtered. 

Back then I wasn’t ready to let this bubble of perfection I had made up in my mind burst. I wanted to preserve Uganda in the positive way I had put it together.

Now I think a little different. 
I am not saying we should give up nostalgia altogether. 
The missing part and longing for people/places/past emotions might always be there. 
But it shouldn’t shape how we remember and create a fake image of something that could never exist that way. 
We might have to let some of our bubbles burst. 
Maybe visit the place where we grew up to refine our picture and strengthen the good memories. 

This is a topic dear to my heart and I researched quite a bit on it for my MA thesis. 
Some short excerpts and findings you can read here or here. 
If you have any questions, let me know. Would love to hear your thoughts on this! 

[Five Minute Friday] Dare

It’s Friday and I am linking up with Kate Motaung and a great writer’s community. 
It’s Day 24 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!
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TCKs are some of the most adventurous people I know. 
Many of who I met many years ago trying to fit in to Germany again are now back out there. 
Traveling the world, serving God in the hard places. 
Almost every day I get emails from younger TCKs I mentored on our TCK camps and who now go abroad again, following the travel bug. 
TCKs push themselves to new levels, countries, situations and from the outside I can often just smile and see them prosper. 

At our camps we dare them to do quite a lot and it is amazing to see what they make of it. 
The last night is always the best. 
Some sort of loose program, full with what the TCKs have to offer. 
I can only smile at the outbursts of creativity, musical skills, comedic talents. 
A formerly shy girl brings the whole house down with her jokes, and some guys don’t have a problem dancing in front of people they just met.

But it’s not always like this. 
Many TCKs come to our camps with parts of their adventure spirit missing. 
Buried in fear of what awaits them in Germany. 
We want to help them come alive again. 
Challenge them to try new things. 
They start daring to hope again that things will work out in their passport country. 
They dare to trust again. 
Trust that they’ll find new friends at a new place. 
Trust that God is the same, no matter how much they change. 

When did you have to dare yourself to step out? 

[31 Days] Day 23 Free

It’s Day 23 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!
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I had some interesting conversations with my sister and some friends in the last few weeks that got me thinking. 

“I think I am not a TCK anymore.” 

This sounded weird to me at first, harsh even. 
How can you just let go of everything you’ve experienced, not acknowledge your past and the many blessings that came with it? 

But I think this is not what they meant. 
To call yourself a TCK can easily become your excuse. 
Your protective shield. 
Your wall to hide behind. 

No, I won’t settle here because I am bound to move all my life anyway.
No, I won’t meet new people because my best friends live on another continent anyway.
No, I will never fit in here because as a TCK I cannot fit in anywhere. 

If being a TCK leads to hiding and excuses, then you use the wonderful experiences you had as a stumbling block to move on and might keep yourself from many more blessings. 
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting everything else.

As TCKs we should be free of the constant victim and excuse mentality, holding us back from enjoying life, as fragmented and multi-faceted it may be.

So what makes a TCK a TCK? 
I am not quite ready to give up the term yet. 
I am ready to let go of calling myself a victim and rather see myself as benefactor of this life I’ve been given to live. 
Yet, the older I get and the more I enter into new stages of life I feel I cannot NOT be a TCK. 
Here and there, in small and big thoughts, decisions, factors I see how my past shapes my present and my future. 
This is nothing to be scared of or hide behind, but I feel TCKs should be aware of this and embrace the “TCK seeds” that now bear fruits. 

This is an issue I am not done with yet, and I would be really interested to hear from YOU! 
Are you an older TCK and have had similar questions? How do you define yourself as a TCK? How do you have problems with the TCK identity? 

[31 Days] Day 22 Join

It’s Day 22 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here.

Today I am very excited to hear from Rachel Cason, an adult TCK, in her last year of Ph.D studies on the impact of the TCK experience on identity, belonging and place. She has settled in England since her ‘re-entry’ from West Africa at 16, is divorced, a mum to a three year-old drama queen, and engaged to a vicar-to-be. We work together at Euro TCK, and it’s great fun to share TCK knowledge and jokes while planning conferences, strolling through the English countryside, or drying dishes for 100 people.:) 
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I spent a good number of my teenage years haunted by ice-breakers, and other “joining-in” games that enforced “fun”. 
For an introverted girl, worn out and intimidated by the regular meeting of new people, they were a nightmare to be avoided at all cost. 

Yet, when I returned to England at 16, after a childhood of transitioning between the mission community in West Africa and my “home” city in England, my strategy of “sitting it out” started to wear thin. 
Up until this point, furlough years in England were defined by minimal engagement with my passport peers, with me “joining in” only as much as was necessary to disguise the disinterest I had in their “parochial” lives. 
After all, we were from different worlds, and our collisions tended to feel like year-long ice-breaker scenarios, ended only by relieved goodbyes and plane journeys.

Upon arrival in England at 16 however, the return was more permanent, and no planes beckoned me towards an exit sign.


It was an English teacher who unwittingly issued the challenge to “join in”.
Chatting in class after a long dry summer, she bemoaned the death of a much loved fig tree from her garden due to the “drought”. 

At her words, and thoughtless misapplication of the word “drought”, I was rendered mute by my outrage.
Somewhere in the eye of the storm of my own emotions, a little voice whispered, “You can’t stay angry forever at people for simply not having had your experiences. If you are going to survive this, you are going to have to learn to like these people.”

I suddenly realised I had grown up appreciating the cross-cultural ability of learning to value the worldviews of people from various tribes in the Sahara, yet somehow assumed that I could dismiss the cultural worlds of middle England.


My doctoral research interviewing over 60 teenage and adult Third Culture Kids suggest that the struggle to “join in” is fairly universal. For those with highly mobile histories, investment on a local, or even national level is a challenge.
 There may even circulate the assumption that doing so would suggest stagnation; that “joining in” locally implies a loss of a global imagination and narrowing of cultural interests. 


I want to suggest, however, the restlessness and rootlessness experienced by many TCKs could be most effectively countered through local investment.
After all roots are organic, they can be developed and deepened through practise, if we only have the imagination and will to “join in”. 

How did you experience “joining in” when coming back to your passport country?

[31 Days] Day 21 Go

It’s Day 21 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here.

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It seems like my last week in the US was the best (Here‘s the whole story). 
Full of crazy adventures, late night talks over coffee, eating through every type of food. Simply enjoying the time we could have as friends. 
Saying goodbye to little things and places. 


As difficult as every beginning in a new country is – the leaving part is even harder. 

Connected to the moving is the going and saying goodbye. 
May it be that people on your base are leaving. 
May it be that it’s time for you and your family to move on. 
Going is part of a TCK’s life and no matter how often you do it, it doesn’t really get any easier.

So how then can we make the going at least bearable? 
Jesus gave us a perfect example when he left this earth. 
He reconciled things and didn’t leave anything unsettled. 
He spent time with his disciples and affirmed the relationship they had. 
He threw a farewell party the night before. 
And he spent a lot of time telling his friends where he would go and what they could expect. 
His example shows us how we can build a 

R-reconciliation: don’t leave unsettled relationships, open questions, or grudges behind
A- affirmation: celebrate friendships, lives you shared together, and the many blessings
F- farewell: say goodbye to things and people that matter to you
T- thinking ahead: what are you looking forward to at the next destination?

It won’t change everything but it will help us transition into the next phase.


How did you experience transition in your life so far?

[31 Days] Day 20 Bug

It’s Day 20 of the 31 Days in the Life of a TCK series! Welcome! You can find more info on the series here. Don’t forget to subscribe!

Today you can read the second part of a series done by Wera. 
We have known each other for years through the TCK camps we attended together. But only recently we talked and found this strange desire of rest inside of us. Are we allowed to rest or do we seem to have this bug inside of us that just makes us move all the time?
I am very happy that Wera shares her thoughts here with us! Here’s Part 1, in case you missed it!
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Of course I know that part of that longing can never be satisfied by any earthly thing or person, and that there is a spiritual dimension to rest which is not dependent on life circumstances. 
It is an intrinsic part of the human experience to carry a longing inside of us that we cannot quite define and that will never be fulfilled, but that nevertheless keeps driving us to look for something else in life – and I think TCKs feels this more acutely.
 

 

And yet my (albeit limited) experience of living in the same place for a bit longer has also taught me that there is a certain rest that comes with knowing your way around a place, knowing how people tick, and knowing who you are in relation to that particular place. And there is even more rest in deep friendships in which we are intimately known, and feel safe, understood and loved. 

 

But it takes time for this kind of intimacy and trust to grow. 

 

And yes, in the time that it takes to build strong relationships, routine also settles in and life can get dry and repetitive, and with that come the itchy feet. 

 

And yet there is something very beautiful in connecting more deeply with a place and its people over a longer period of time, and although it sometimes sucks, it’s an experience that’s worth sticking around for. 
I’ve noticed that for me, less adventure and less change often seem to bring more rest for my soul and personal growth of a different type – the type that strengthens my roots rather than my wings.
 
And the older I get, the more my soul seems to long for rest over adventure. 
At the moment I oscillate between feeling thirsty for adventure and full of excitement and energy for all the things I could do with my life now that I’ve finished university, and between feeling overwhelmed at the vastness of options in front of me and apprehensive about a lack of stability in the next few years. 
Most people at my stage in life have at least some basic variables in place (they tend to have some fairly set ideas about where to live, who with, and/or what they want to do), but I seem to lack any sort of parameters in my life. 
 
And whilst part of me is excited and grateful to be so free and independent and not tied to any particular place, person or profession, part of me is also envious of friends who are already much more settled or heading in a clear direction in life. 
I’m beginning to accept that my attitude towards moving has become more complex and somewhat paradoxical, and that it’s okay to be confused about what I want. 
We’ll see which of these contrasting feelings and desires end up dominating my life. 
But for now, I’m going to acknowledge, and welcome, the fact that alongside my continuous longing for change and adventure, a new longing for rest and stability has also crept up – and it seems to be growing.
 
How do you deal with your feeling of restlessness? Is the strange desire for rest familiar to you?