Katha von Dessien

[#write31days] Day 6 Work to Live – Live to Work?

Welcome to Day 6 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Debates about work hours. Simply too much to do in too little time. Demonstrations for more pay. Always too little holidays. When most people think of work, they associate something negative with it.
Yet, even though we often complain about our work it is actually a good invention. Work was created for a good purpose.

I am not saying we should stop working all together or work 24-7. But maybe we should think a little bit about what work actually is and what makes it so ‘dangerous’ in our lives.
When you talk to older people who have been retired for a while, you can sometimes hear, “I miss it.” I’m sure they don’t mean the long working hours, the bad pay, or the rude boss. They miss the sense of getting up in the morning, having a destination to go to. The feeling of being needed somewhere. The satisfaction that comes from a day’ work with obvious results.
People who don’t do anything anymore are not at peace or completely rested. They feel lost. Without a purpose. At the verge of losing themselves.

What we do is a big part of who we are. We express our identity and personality through our movement, our emotions, our hands’ work.
But what we do should not define who we are. Otherwise you’ll lose yourself as soon as you stop doing what you’re doing.

In a world that revolves around busy schedules, timetables, meetings, and revenues, work seems to be the greatest virtue. A good worker is an eager, productive, and always-available worker.
How about that co-worker asking you for help on a project? You certainly can’t turn him down because you like your job and you don’t to disappoint your co-worker.
How about your boss asking you to stay longer because you’re simply the best for the job? Of course you’ll do it. Come on, it’s your boss and you can’t refuse. Being the best at something is quite the reputation you don’t want to risk losing. And trust me, it does feel good to be the go-to person, to see your name on pamphlets and invitations, to hear others talk about you with that certain ‘awe’.
We work because we want to please others. We don’t stop working because our reputation, our identity, our self is on the line. Our work is who we are.

In a world of linked devices, cloud accounts, and constant connection it’s almost impossible to escape work. You might leave the office, but you don’t leave work. There’s always something you can do from home, always an email you can answer from your smartphone on your way to something else. Work consumes our time, our thoughts, our hearts.
Yes, the thought of rest, the wish to just walk away from it all comes up once in a while, but is brushed away by fear of losing touch.

Articles on characteristics of Generation Y mention that while people are always on the move and have more choices than ever before, they are mostly driven by fear. Fear of losing, of missing out. The Guardian even called it an addiction: FOMA (fear of missing out). Whether it’s people’s attention and love, whether it’s better pay or a conference, or just a brilliant opportunity – we are driven by fear and insecurity. We don’t rest in who we are but try to compensate this void with work. Instead of finding ourselves we allow others to define who we are and what we’re supposed to do.

We can go on like this for a while without seeing any problems, we can work like crazy and chase our dreams. But the increasing numbers of burned-out workers, emotional breakdowns and people with no resilience indicate that this is not the life we’re supposed to live forever. If we don’t establish healthy boundaries when we’re young we won’t reap any fruits when we’re old.

Think about your work: How many hours per day are you busy for your job? How are the relationships to your boss and co-workers?
How often do you take off from work – switch off computer, phone etc.?

[#write31days] Day 5 Family Ties

Welcome to Day 5 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Ending up completely exhausted and at the verge of burnout does not happen out of the blue or from one day to the next. It is a process with a lot of missing boundaries or missed opportunities to set them. So let’s take a closer look at what kind of boundary issues we can have in our lives.

The people we meet at the earliest stage of our lives is our family. They are closest to us, they love us, but they can also cause us a lot of hurt. Whether it is our parents who call all the time, our siblings who depend on us, or our own inability to let go. Of course, family also includes the extended family and their influence, but for now, let’s focus on the closest family members.

The Parents
Your mom and dad are the ones who welcome you into this world, they raise you into adulthood, they observe as you take your first steps into your own life – whether you want it or not, you can’t not have parents.
Yet, the relationship is not always ideal.
I guess we all have some image in our minds when we think of the term ‘overbearing mother’ (or maybe smother?). A mom who won’t let her favorite kid go anywhere, who won’t take any risks. A dad who makes all the decisions simply because “he knows best”. Parents who have a really hard time seeing their kid off to university; an own apartment seems to be the same as cutting them off from their lives. As a child (or rather young adult) it’s really hard to explore your new life because you still feel bound and controlled by your home.
This feeling does not necessarily end after a few years or when you have your own family. The ties of frantic parents calling after you and offering advice on everything and anything can reach way into your adulthood.

While some may complain about too much interference, others might actually appreciate a bit more family in their lives. Family bonds in a child’s life are formed from day one, and they are essential for a healthy emotional and spiritual development. A lack thereof will have longlasting effects on a child that are often underestimated.
Some will grow numb and close themselves off from their families. They set up boundaries to protect themselves from getting hurt – maybe even so far that they really struggle to trust anyone with a deeper relationship. I have talked to quite a few friends about this and it pains me to hear about their broken relationships with their families.
Some will continue to chase the attention they might never get. They change and conform and perform, without any luck. Every attempt will just leave them empty, disappointment, and hopeless.

The Siblings
Unless you’re an only child, you were automatically born into a hierarchy. Oldest child. The one(s) in the middle. The baby. And surprisingly, without ever really choosing it, each position comes with a certain role to fill. The more I think about my own position and talk to others about theirs, the more I am amazed how this is an unspoken fact and people just fall into place!
I am the firstborn in my family with two younger siblings. I have never officially claimed that position, but it does come with responsibilities. When we were younger I was the one to watch my brother and sister when the parents were out. I had to look after the money whenever we went out by ourselves. Until today I am the go-to person for advice or help.
Firstborns are the ones with responsibility, the middle ones are the wild and crazy ones, the youngest are the spoiled babies. So goes the saying.
What does this have to do with boundaries?

There is a time for children to be close to their parents and their siblings. There is a time to stay within the home and maintain that close community. However, there is also a time to leave and build a home of your own. This can get difficult if you’re too attached to your role in the hierarchy without ever setting any boundaries.
Firstborns will always feel responsible for their siblings and never really leave (I don’t mean you should stop caring, but you need to cut a few ties when you move out). Instead of building a life of their own and making new friends they come home often. Instead of stepping onto new grounds they rather hide in the comforts of the familiar.
Younger siblings will never take responsibility for themselves because they’ll always rely on some family member to fix it. They don’t feel confident nor challenge themselves to unleash their potential because they feel smothered by the ‘perfect’ older brothers and sisters.

If you never step outside the role you occupy within your family, you’ll never discover new facets and depths that are still hidden in your self.

Think about your own family: How is your relationship to your parents? What position do you have in your family? What does your role look like in your family?

[#write31days] Day 4 Sabbath

Welcome to Day 4 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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Setting healthy boundaries also means taking care of yourself. This also includes taking time off, making time for the things you enjoy. Things that restore your soul.
Luckily, God has set an entire day aside just for us. A whole day with lots of time to spend with Him, refresh our spirits in His presence, relax and restore. Restoration looks different for everyone; it’s just important that you find something that gives you energy, joy, and peace.
One thing that restores me is cooking. During the week it’s mostly just quick and simple, but on Sabbath I actually take time to find a cool recipe (or tweek with an old one), invest time in the kitchen, and have people around me to enjoy it with. So the Sundays of October will be filled with recipes – and if you enjoy cooking, too you might want to cook along! And if not, just give it a try, you might actually like it!

Carrott Coconut Ginger Soup
It’s October, so the days are shorter and the evenings become longer. This means it’s time to bring out the socks and the candles…and new soup recipes. Nothing can battle a rainy Sunday evening like a bowl of soup and a good movie. 🙂

Ingredients for four people:
1kg carrotts
150 ml coconut milk
500 ml chicken or vegetable stock
1 onion
1 clove of garlic
1 piece of ginger
olive oil
salt

Cut the onion, the garlic and the ginger into small pieces pieces. Frie them in a bit of olive oil.
Peel the carrotts, cut them into slices, and add them to the pot.
Add the chicken or vegetable stock and let it simmer until the carrotts are soft.

Add the coconut milk and let it boil for a short while.
Take the pot off the stove and blend the soup with a hand blender until it’s creamy.
Add salt if you like.

You can modify the soup with adding a bit of white wine or potatoes before you blend the soup.
Serve with baguette or croutons.

[#write31days] Day 3 The Breakdown

Welcome to Day 3 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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I was doing too much, my back and my wrists had been telling me for months. Studying, preparing congresses and camps, typing thousands of words per day. Sleeping too little and eating at unhealthy times.
Thinking I could do it all.

When I look back I sometimes marvel how I managed to do as much as I did. I guess a good portion of adrenaline and a great amount of God’s grace strengthened and saw me through.
When I look back I always knew it all had to come to an end some day. Sooner or later.

Over New Year’s I could see the congress I’d been working on for a year come to life – what an experience! Despite a lack of sleep and constant running I got to know the sweetest people who blessed me with their work, their jokes, and their encouragement. I was worn out, but I was happy.
Right after I had to get back to my books and study for my finals. Five years of studies came to an end with written and oral exams in February and April. I couldn’t complain about the results.
I was done. The stress was over. I could get back to my life.
Really?

A week after finals I went to lead a TCK camp. No matter how exhausted or busy I was, these camps had always been a time to refresh and have fun. These people were my second family.
But this time it was different. I came completely empty, not ready to give anything. Nothing.

When it was time to meet and have fun, I wanted to run and be alone. When it was time to dig into the Word and talk about it, I wondered if all of this even made sense. I had my facade ready to show off, but behind it there was emptiness. Nothing.
I started leading worship, trying to brush over it with music, but I couldn’t.
Instead of adoration there was disgust.

Instead of love there was hatred. For the people in front of me, for the musicians next to me, for the words of the songs that meant nothing to me at the moment.

I had to get out.

So I did. I cut the song short, got up from the piano and ran.
In tears. Horrified by who I was at that moment. That stranger in my skin I didn’t know anymore.

I lost it that day.
The strength to go any further.
The passion for what I love to do.
The love and emotional energy to give to others.
The ability to let others pour into me.
The eyes to see how wonderful the world is.
The heart that seeks the Lord in good and bad times.

Yet, I somehow mustered up the courage to tell a friend about it. It was good to hear, “You’re not alone in this. It’s time to stop and rest. It’s time to change.”
She was right. Something had to change.

Have you ever felt like you ‘lost’ it? In what circumstances was it more difficult for you to feel passion and energy for God, other people, or your job?

[#write31days] Day 2 Family

Welcome to Day 2 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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It’s also Friday today, so I am linking up with my friends at Five Minute Friday.

When I hear family I used to think of the four other people who know me best.
Memories of my childhood coming to life before my inner eye.
Long debates and arguments. Of closing my door and hoping they would start fighting soon. Feelings of loneliness and despair.

Happy memories. Having breakfast together on a Saturday morning and talking until lunchtime.
Sitting crammed into one hotel room in the middle of nowhere in South Africa eating toast and peanut butter. We are exhausted from the long drive, but yet we break into a laugh because the whole thing is just too hilarious.
Lying on the floor holding my aching tummy. My sister next to me, in the same condition. My brother next to us, telling us more and more jokes in funny accents which makes us laugh even harder.

These people are my family. It was us five against the world.

A few months ago, this image has changed.

Friends of mine had a baby. They had been through a few rough patches before and seeing this baby for the first time was a miracle.
A few weeks later there was a card in my mailbox, asking “Will you be his Godmother?”
I was incredibly happy but also very much surprised.
Why did you pick me? Isn’t that normally something that family does?
The answer came back loud and clear.
“You are family, didn’t you know that?”

Well, now I do.
When I think of family now I see a much larger group of people.
Family is wherever people are willing to share their lives, with all its joys and messiness. Where we are allowed to just be and don’t have to clean up.
Where we are allowed to ask questions and don’t always have to answer, a place where we can think out loud.

Dealing with family and friends is often hard and sometimes we need to set boundaries. This is what the series is all about.
But before we dig deeper, take a moment and think about your family.
Who are the people God has placed around you? Your brothers and sisters, your friends? Where is the place that allows you to be yourself? Before you start complaining, be grateful for them.

[#write31days] Day 1 Welcome to My Life

Welcome to Day 1 of #write31days!
For more information check out the series’ page.
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A day sometime in August 2013.
My alarm clock rings at 6.30 am. Before I get out of bed my mind is wide awake, making mental notes of everything I have to do today.
I make myself a cup of coffee and by 7am I am at my desk, ready to work. The early morning hours are the only time of day I am somewhat productive. I finish writing a paper for my professor, then move on to my daily reading chores for my master’s thesis. The amount of notes grows and grows and in the back of mind I worry a bit how I will ever fit all of this in comprehensive sentences.
By 10 am I take a breakfast break and rub my wrists which slowly start to itch. This pain has become my companion in the last few busy months. Your state board exams with a double degree sure don’t come easy.

The afternoon is reserved for responding to emails. Despite my full university schedule I joined a team to organize a Europe-wide youth congress over New Year’s. This meant about 50 emails to respond to per day. Most of them with good questions or encouragements. Some of them with complaints and impossible requests.
My hands are in pain by now, my back begs me to stop, but I keep going.

Concentration is harder to maintain now, so I keep getting distracted by social media. As I scroll down the page I see pictures of the perfect wedding, the perfect first baby, the perfect date, the perfect vacation in paradise.
I sigh. What am I doing here? Sitting and working, while others are living their lives.

The phone rings. A guy from church asks if I could lead worship in church on Sunday. I say yes because there’s no one else who could do it.

I get back to my emails. I am responsible for a TCK camp in October and haven’t prepared anything yet. Another busy weekend, but spending time with TCKs is like being with family, so I agreed to do it.

A friend texts me and asks if I want to meet up tonight, but I say no. I am just too busy. As much as I miss the company of people in the midst of busyness, I am way too exhausted to even see someone else.

Around 8 pm I start packing because I’ll visit my family tomorrow. Haven’t seen them in a while, so it’s time. There seems to be trouble at home, and I should come to ‘fix it.’

I check my phone, but there are no new messages or emails. A day without human interaction. My depressed self thinks, “No one really cares.” My angry self thinks, “Why doesn’t anyone respond when I need them the most?” My sad self leaves disappointed.

At 10 pm I start cooking and have dinner while watching an episode of some show I don’t even remember the name of. My wrists are covered in ice packs, the only way to deal with the pain.

All I want is to sleep and get ready to do it all over again tomorrow.

How does a ‘normal’ day in your life look like? How much do you do for others? What do you for yourself and for pleasure?

[Disclaimer: Some of the following might sound a bit exaggerated. But all of this is true. Even though not of all this took place on one single day, it serves as an example of what a life without boundaries might look like.]

31 Days of Setting Healthy Boundaries

Welcome to #write31days 2015!

Every year in October writers all across the globe gather to write. You pick a topic and write about it every day.
It is a challenge, yes. But it’s also an immense blessing. It’s like a bootcamp for your writing, your words become sharper, more precise, more powerful.
Writing a post a day gives you the opportunity to really dig into a topic, explore different features, and ask some of the hard questions.

My topic this year is “Setting Healthy Boundaries.”

I guess we all know what it means to just get caught up in life. We feel like on a rollercoaster, going up and down without a possibility to escape. We work, we do household chores. We engage in relationships. We give and we take. And sometimes we feel like we’re all burned out. Like we’ve got nothing left to give.
In the midst of this craziness Jesus says:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
John 10:10 (ESV)

This is some hard truth! Life often doesn’t seem to be abundant – it feels more like existing. Dragging yourself along, from one day to the next, from one vacation to the next. It’s functioning, but it’s not the abundance Jesus has promised us.
How do we find more abundance in our lives?
How can we set boundaries to protect our souls from drying up and to preserve the good that’s already there?

The last two years have been my personal struggle with boundaries. As I transitioned (and still do) out of college and into working life, as I mature into adulthood, as I learn more and more on my faith journey, I have to discover who I am. And more importantly, who I am not. I have to develop the courage to say NO to the wrong things in order to find the freedom to say YES to the right things.

Setting boundaries is not just a topic for people in leadership or a certain age group. It’s a habit we all need to establish and practice. The more we do that, the more we’ll experience life – real, abundant life – coming back to us.
So I invite you to come along for this journey. Let’s learn what boundaries are and why it is so important to set them. Let’s let go of some lies we believe about setting boundaries and take first steps towards more abundance in our lives.
The easiest way to tag along is by subscribing and you’ll get every new post straight to your inbox!

I am no professional psychologist and will mostly share from my own experiences and reading. This series should not just be about me talking, so I encourage you to get involved by asking questions, commenting, or sharing your own stories!

Some resources that might help you along the journey:
Food for your soul:
Cloud&Townsend. Boundaries.
Buchanan. The Rest of God.
Shelley Miller. Sabbath Society.

Food for your body:
Sorted Food. Delicious recipes with a side of videos and British humor!
OneIngredientChef. Vegetarian and vegan food you can’t resist to cook yourself!

[Five Minute Friday] Doubt

I must confess I doubt. A lot.
It seems that doubt is normally associated with negative terms, something you’re not supposed to do, especially as a Christian.
And yet I doubt. I ask questions. I wonder.
I doubt that the day will be sunny when the morning looks really dark and cloudy.
I doubt that a friendship will get back on track.
I doubt people’s genuineness sometimes.
I doubt my own abilities when tasks just seem too demanding and overwhelming.
I doubt that dire situations will ever come to an end.
I see friends and family struggle, yes even battle with life, and all I can ask is Why?
I wonder about things going on in this world – war, loss, flight, hunger, poverty – and I can’t help but doubt that there is a good, big plan behind it.
I doubt if all of this will work out in the end.

I guess we all carry doubts with us.
These unanswered questions lingering in the back of our minds, creeping up once in a while.

I think it’s okay to doubt.
We grow when we wonder, when we ask questions.
When we don’t just accept things as given, but always strive to go deeper.

In the end its all about what we do with our doubts.
If we just settle in the status quo of unanswered questions or if we take action.
If we take our questions and doubts somewhere.
To someone.
The realist says, “I doubt this will work so I won’t attempt it.”
The fideist says,”I have doubts, yes. But I also have faith in someone bigger and stronger, and more omniscient than I could ever be. Someone who says ‘with me nothing is impossible’. So let’s try.”

What are some of your doubts and what do you do with them?

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It’s Friday and I am writing with many other writers over at Five Minute Friday. Come and join us?

Thoughts of a Traveling Mind

After some remodeling and moving posts from there to here I am glad you’re here. Welcome to the blog!
Welcome to “thoughts of a traveling mind”.
In case you didn’t know: I like to travel. Looking up airplane tickets and complaining about prices is one of my hobbies. I am immensly blessed by all the travels I was already allowed to take and all the amazing people I got to meet. Strangers who have become friends. The feeling of home in unexpected places with friends who have become family.
Some stories of my travels and the many lessons I learned from places and people along the way you will find here.

What I’ve learned in the last year especially is that you don’t have to go far to learn something new and unfamiliar. My mind travels to all kinds of places. Sometimes these thoughts can be unprocessed and messy. Sometimes they are more questions than answers. Sometimes they are raw and brutally honest. They are part of life with all its bright and dark days.

Life is a constant journey, people are the true adventure – and writing about it is my way of making sense of it. I am immensly surprised and glad whenever it speaks to you as well.
Thanks for coming along for the ride!

[Five Minute Friday] Celebrate

It is Friday. Finally. This has definitely been a long week.

A week of firsts.

The first time I walked into a room of students and introduced myself as their teacher. Not the intern, the teacher.

The first time I made my own rules and people actually listened.

The first time I walked out of a bad lesson and had no other teacher to blame but me.

One day was particularly frustrating and I carried that negative undertone with me all day. What had happened? Nothing much actually, but I had allowed minor things or the minority of a really good class to get to me.

It’s so easy to let one dark spot overshadow the bright whole, isn’t it?

And yet it’s so human.

We tend to look for mistakes instead of success.

We tend to linger on our weaknesses instead of maximizing our strengths.

We tend to complain about our lack instead of enjoying the abundance we already live in. We tend to mourn instead of celebrating.

Over the last year I’ve gone back again and again to a song called “The Art of Celebration”.

It really is an art.

To celebrate no matter the circumstances.

And I am not talking about making merry and singing cheerful songs when all you want to do is cry. I am talking about singing after all, no matter how feeble the sound.

Your voice might quiver and break, but you keep on singing.

Your eyes might tear up, but you keep on looking out for the little blessings all around you. The good potential in everyone that sometimes takes a bit more time to uncover.

The energy and strength that comes from simple activities like a restful Sunday, a cup of good coffee, a few pages of a good book, a chat with a friend.

The belief that the sun is still there even though you can’t see it through the thick dark clouds.

Celebration is an art. Let’s practice it a bit more every day.

Celebrating with writing friends at Five Minute Friday today.